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The Buffalo Ruse Reopens at New Headquarters

The Buffalo Ruse Reopens at New Headquarters

By Ronn Chesmonde, Ruse Lazarus Correspondent The Buffalo Ruse completed its scheduled move to its new home on the web a full two days ahead of schedule.  Correspondents are acclimating to the new environs and preparing to cover the Republican National Convention.  More details soon to follow.
Citing Environment, Poloncarz Announces Plan For County-wide Ban Of Toilet Paper

Citing Environment, Poloncarz Announces Plan For County-wide Ban Of Toilet Paper

by Mandra Tan, Ruse Toilet Bureau Attendees of the 2016 State of the County Address received a gift that may well keep on giving: a roll of reusable toilet paper. On Thursday afternoon, an emboldened County Executive Mark C. Poloncarz emphatically told guests that he intends to make Erie County the first...
Bishop Admonishes Catholics Distracted By Refugees, Reminds Them Of Threat Of “Jesus Had 2 Dads” Signs

Bishop Admonishes Catholics Distracted By Refugees, Reminds Them Of Threat Of “Jesus Had 2 Dads” Signs

By Fill Hairbanks, Ruse Diocese and Funny Sign Reporter With the world still reeling from terror attacks in Paris, and with politicians around the nation and region focused on an emotional debate over whether to welcome thousands of Syrian refugees escaping a humanitarian crisis, Buffalo’s preeminent spiritual leader, Bishop Richard Malone, remains focused...
Ewe Have Know Idea About Patrick Cane Is Innocent Just Weight

Ewe Have Know Idea About Patrick Cane Is Innocent Just Weight

by Paul Cambria, Special to the Ruse Mr. Cambria, seen here appearing on local news after being bitten by a spider, represents Patrick Kane in an ongoing rape investigation. People should really stop talking about my client Patrick crane who is an ascend until proven guilty it is all starting too...
Rock Fans Confused, Disappointed by Eden Corn Festival

Rock Fans Confused, Disappointed by Eden Corn Festival

By Tin O’Sheit, Ruse Correspondent for Homophone Issues  Rock fans Ed Pitowski and Rachel Nemont say the Eden Corn Festival has come with “more tractor-pulling, and less vomit-dodging” than the event they were expecting. Several attendees to the Eden Corn Festival, a family-friendly 4-day celebration of the “season of corn,” found themselves...
Local Couple Unsure How To Address Young Son’s Plan to Wear Kane Jersey All Weekend

Local Couple Unsure How To Address Young Son’s Plan to Wear Kane Jersey All Weekend

By Wad Rotson, Ruse Correspondent for Birds, Bees, Flowers, Trees, & Lakefront Mansions Scott and Tess Yeardly have not yet discussed how to broach the topic of their son’s tendency to yell “Kane puts it in!” after scoring goals. A West Seneca couple are not counting on getting much sleep Friday night, as they...
Nerdy Lackawanna Teen Dismayed by Alleged ISIS Recruiter’s Disinterest

Nerdy Lackawanna Teen Dismayed by Alleged ISIS Recruiter’s Disinterest

By Gil Phuntanks, Ruse Terrorism / Dorkism Bureau  Even for a group that recruits extremely alienated youths, Hamed was apparently deemed too bizzare. A local teenager is very upset about the arrest of accused terrorist conspirator Arafat Nagi in his Lackwanna neighborhood this morning,  complaining that even though he had been “right...
Teammates Attribute Brady’s Destroyed Phone to “Embarrasing” Scores on Words with Friends

Teammates Attribute Brady’s Destroyed Phone to “Embarrasing” Scores on Words with Friends

By Mucky Cleatson, Ruse Social Media Correspondent and Grammar Fascist  A large percentage New England residents have destroyed their smartphones in solidarity with Brady, leading to notable nationwide decreases in the rates of racist Tweeting and Dunkin’ Donuts Mobile Perk Points redeeming. The destroyed cell phone that served as the basis of...
Rocco Termini Urges City To Ban Residents From Consuming Food Outside Of His Restaurants

Rocco Termini Urges City To Ban Residents From Consuming Food Outside Of His Restaurants

by Ronn Chesmonde, Rocco Termini Aura Reporter Local developer and restaurateur Rocco Termini has taken his battle to protect brick and mortar restaurants one step further. After publicly denouncing the City of Buffalo for allowing food trucks to operate on private property near his restaurant Dog é Style, the city real...
With New Draft Class, Bills Hope To Finally Be Among NFL’s Elite Wifebeaters, Rapists

With New Draft Class, Bills Hope To Finally Be Among NFL’s Elite Wifebeaters, Rapists

By Jay Turdski, Ruse Bills and “Please, Please Not Another Swirlie, Richie” Correspondent   Seeking to build on the offseason momentum gained with the signing of maligned locker room bully Richie Icognito, Buffalo Bills management recently expressed hope that even without a first round pick, the 2015 Bills draft class may finally move...
Babcock Coaching Decision Looms; Sabres Fans Giddily Brainstorm Vulgar Sign Ideas

Babcock Coaching Decision Looms; Sabres Fans Giddily Brainstorm Vulgar Sign Ideas

By Mike Hairytounge, The Ruse’s Hirsute Harbinger of Hockey According to NHL sources, the Sabres and their fans will know by tomorrow morning whether or not Mike Babcock has decided to take his talents to Buffalo. The veteran coach will make a final decision after consulting with family this evening. Though it remains...
After Appeal, NFL Reduces Brady Suspension to 4 Weekends in Buffalo Area Hotels

After Appeal, NFL Reduces Brady Suspension to 4 Weekends in Buffalo Area Hotels

By Bic Spagucci, Ruse Hospitality Correspondent The league has reportedly not yet settled on the specific motels where Brady will be required to stay, but plan to use a complex algorithm involving 911 calls and bodily fluid levels to determine the final locations. Just hours after the NFL Players Association...
Where Are They Now? The Ruse Catches Up with Formerly Famous Western New Yorkers

Where Are They Now? The Ruse Catches Up with Formerly Famous Western New Yorkers

By Gil Phultanks, Frivolous Nostalgia Correspondent In the current age of the 24-hour news cycle, stories and celebrities come and go so quickly that it can be easy to forget them with the passage of time. Even our own local celebrities, whose stories we followed closely in their glory days, drift further...
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The Buffalo Ruse Reopens at New Headquarters

The Buffalo Ruse Reopens at New Headquarters

By Ronn Chesmonde, Ruse Lazarus Correspondent The Buffalo Ruse completed its scheduled move to its new home on the web a full two days ahead of schedule.  Correspondents are acclimating to the new environs and preparing to cover the Republican National Convention.  More details soon to follow.
Citing Environment, Poloncarz Announces Plan For County-wide Ban Of Toilet Paper

Citing Environment, Poloncarz Announces Plan For County-wide Ban Of Toilet Paper

by Mandra Tan, Ruse Toilet Bureau Attendees of the 2016 State of the County Address received a gift that may well keep on giving: a roll of reusable toilet paper. On Thursday afternoon, an emboldened County Executive Mark C. Poloncarz emphatically told guests that he intends to make Erie County the first county in the nation to...
Bishop Admonishes Catholics Distracted By Refugees, Reminds Them Of Threat Of “Jesus Had 2 Dads” Signs

Bishop Admonishes Catholics Distracted By Refugees, Reminds Them Of Threat Of “Jesus Had 2 Dads” Signs

By Fill Hairbanks, Ruse Diocese and Funny Sign Reporter With the world still reeling from terror attacks in Paris, and with politicians around the nation and region focused on an emotional debate over whether to welcome thousands of Syrian refugees escaping a humanitarian crisis, Buffalo’s preeminent spiritual leader, Bishop Richard Malone, remains focused on a decidedly more existential...
Ewe Have Know Idea About Patrick Cane Is Innocent Just Weight

Ewe Have Know Idea About Patrick Cane Is Innocent Just Weight

by Paul Cambria, Special to the Ruse Mr. Cambria, seen here appearing on local news after being bitten by a spider, represents Patrick Kane in an ongoing rape investigation. People should really stop talking about my client Patrick crane who is an ascend until proven guilty it is all starting too be a brunch of babble....
Rock Fans Confused, Disappointed by Eden Corn Festival

Rock Fans Confused, Disappointed by Eden Corn Festival

By Tin O’Sheit, Ruse Correspondent for Homophone Issues  Rock fans Ed Pitowski and Rachel Nemont say the Eden Corn Festival has come with “more tractor-pulling, and less vomit-dodging” than the event they were expecting. Several attendees to the Eden Corn Festival, a family-friendly 4-day celebration of the “season of corn,” found themselves wishing they had more carefully...
Local Couple Unsure How To Address Young Son’s Plan to Wear Kane Jersey All Weekend

Local Couple Unsure How To Address Young Son’s Plan to Wear Kane Jersey All Weekend

By Wad Rotson, Ruse Correspondent for Birds, Bees, Flowers, Trees, & Lakefront Mansions Scott and Tess Yeardly have not yet discussed how to broach the topic of their son’s tendency to yell “Kane puts it in!” after scoring goals. A West Seneca couple are not counting on getting much sleep Friday night, as they instead plan to spend several...
Nerdy Lackawanna Teen Dismayed by Alleged ISIS Recruiter’s Disinterest

Nerdy Lackawanna Teen Dismayed by Alleged ISIS Recruiter’s Disinterest

By Gil Phuntanks, Ruse Terrorism / Dorkism Bureau  Even for a group that recruits extremely alienated youths, Hamed was apparently deemed too bizzare. A local teenager is very upset about the arrest of accused terrorist conspirator Arafat Nagi in his Lackwanna neighborhood this morning,  complaining that even though he had been “right here all along,” the alleged...
Teammates Attribute Brady’s Destroyed Phone to “Embarrasing” Scores on Words with Friends

Teammates Attribute Brady’s Destroyed Phone to “Embarrasing” Scores on Words with Friends

By Mucky Cleatson, Ruse Social Media Correspondent and Grammar Fascist  A large percentage New England residents have destroyed their smartphones in solidarity with Brady, leading to notable nationwide decreases in the rates of racist Tweeting and Dunkin’ Donuts Mobile Perk Points redeeming. The destroyed cell phone that served as the basis of NFL’s decision to uphold Tom...
Rocco Termini Urges City To Ban Residents From Consuming Food Outside Of His Restaurants

Rocco Termini Urges City To Ban Residents From Consuming Food Outside Of His Restaurants

by Ronn Chesmonde, Rocco Termini Aura Reporter Local developer and restaurateur Rocco Termini has taken his battle to protect brick and mortar restaurants one step further. After publicly denouncing the City of Buffalo for allowing food trucks to operate on private property near his restaurant Dog é Style, the city real estate mogul pushed the city...
With New Draft Class, Bills Hope To Finally Be Among NFL’s Elite Wifebeaters, Rapists

With New Draft Class, Bills Hope To Finally Be Among NFL’s Elite Wifebeaters, Rapists

By Jay Turdski, Ruse Bills and “Please, Please Not Another Swirlie, Richie” Correspondent   Seeking to build on the offseason momentum gained with the signing of maligned locker room bully Richie Icognito, Buffalo Bills management recently expressed hope that even without a first round pick, the 2015 Bills draft class may finally move the team into the pantheon...

67 Years of Urban Decay Caused By Construction of Kensington Justified With “Awesome” 4 Minute TMNT Scene

By Wad Rotson, Ruse Urban Erosion & Amphibian Affairs Corespondent  Neighbors of the Kensington Expressway know that when life deals you poor planning, recession, segregation, and asthma, you’ve just gotta yell “Cowabunga!” When it comes to the Kensington Expressway, city officials, mass transit experts, and East Side residents all seem to agree: nearly 7 decades since...
Babcock Coaching Decision Looms; Sabres Fans Giddily Brainstorm Vulgar Sign Ideas

Babcock Coaching Decision Looms; Sabres Fans Giddily Brainstorm Vulgar Sign Ideas

By Mike Hairytounge, The Ruse’s Hirsute Harbinger of Hockey According to NHL sources, the Sabres and their fans will know by tomorrow morning whether or not Mike Babcock has decided to take his talents to Buffalo. The veteran coach will make a final decision after consulting with family this evening. Though it remains unclear in which direction he...