Citizens Respond To Worldwide Power Struggles

Elections were held in Russia, Pakistan, Thailand, and Zimbabwe, as the people used the power to vote in record numbers. As lives hung in the balance, millions of starving people, many who survived genocidal governmental interference, crawled to lines that were miles long to exercise their right to vote. All however, were riveted to the events in America. Thousands of people got out of their recliners to vote in record numbers, because the price of gas suddenly became more morally relevant than abortion.

China Headlines The World’s Stage

Chinese workers, women, children, students, farmers, dissidents, religious, and visually unappealing asked to stay indoors during the Olympics. Western media headlines are limited to, “China government completely ignores human rights BUT DID YOU SEE THE OPENING CEREMONY?!?!?!” for two weeks. Michael Phelps wins 8 medals wearing a bathing suit constructed by the nimble fingers of Lily Ling; China’s most talented 7-year-old factory seamstress.

Americans Respond Strongly To Year 5 Of The War In Iraq

In response to the continued toll on American soldiers in Iraq, American citizens demand to know, “What the hell is going on with my 401k?!?” The War becomes more times than any other factor as swing voters justify voting against their beliefs in ousting Republicans who screwed up life savings.

An Historic Election

Americans decide that in regards to race, the only color that matters when deciding our next President is greenbacks. Rewarded for their open mindedness, Americans saw gas prices drop by $2 a gallon in the months following the Republican’s loss.

Youth, Middle, and Old Age Cause Deaths in Hollywood

Researchers confirm that young people in Hollywood are equally likely to die as their middle and old aged peers. Heath Ledger, Brad Renfro, Bernie Mac, Tim Russert, Paul Newman and Estelle Getty all died in ‘08, representing the 3 major adult age groups equally. Willie Nelson and Robin Williams begin Age Aide, a country-music/sketch-comedy concert in the tradition of ‘Hee Haw!’ to fund research to help find a cure for age.

The Year In Sports: Men Behaving Barely

The Super Bowl and the World Series were the big sports stories outside of China this year. Hundreds of millions of Americans watched players standing around in the grass for three hours at a time, taking up to 6 seconds at a time to run around. An NFL team won the Super Bowl and one of the Major League Baseball teams captured the World Series title. In hockey, 99.98% of the American population failed to notice that the Detroit Red Wings beat the Pittsburgh Penguins for the Stanley Cup

Chinese Effort To Protect Cows is Judged Harshly by World Health Community

Chinese dairy farmers say that they added melamine, a fire retardant, to their cows diet in an effort to protect the cows from starting on fire or exploding. They were accused by dozens of health ministries of watering down the milk supply with melamine for profit. The Chinese dairy industry denies any wrongdoing, saying that if they were to water down the milk supply, they would likely use water, or lead.