JANUARY:

LARGEST CROWD IN NHL HISTORY WITNESSES FOOTLESS SINGER CAST ‘SUCK’ SPELL ON BUFFALO SABRES

Over 78,000 hockey fans packed Ralph Wilson Stadium on New Year’s Day to participate in the NHL’s Winter Classic outdoor game between the Buffalo Sabres and the Pittsburgh Penguins. Buffalo’s home team played under the weight of Ronan Tynan’s ’suck’ spell, delivered in the form of the singer’s bizarre incantation disguised as “God Bless America.” The Sabres are winless in 14 attempts when Tynan sings his improvised anthem before Buffalo hockey games. Larry Quinn announced after the loss that Tynan’s informal contract with the Sabres will not be renewed.

FEBRUARY:

MAYOR BROWN: ‘OJ SIMPSON SUSPECTED IN THEFT OF MY SUV’

The late night theft of an SUV parked in front of a home in a quiet Canisius College neighborhood wouldn’t normally make the news. But when the SUV belongs to Mayor Byron Brown and the prime suspect in the theft is none other then OJ Simpson the story takes on ‘ruse’worthy status. “I want to be clear on this,” said Brown, standing before reporters the morning after the SUV theft was reported to police. “OJ Simpson stole my car. My son, who was sitting by his bedroom window for the entire night, observed the former Buffalo Bill as he made his getaway in our family car. OJ perpetrated this vicious crime and now, finally, he will pay a price for his misdeeds.” It was unclear at the time the story went to press what the former Bills running back and acquitted killer of Nicole Brown Simpson was doing in Buffalo or why he stole the Mayor’s SUV.

MARCH:

BUFFALO PUBLIC SCHOOL BOARD AMENDS CURRICULUM, ADDS: ‘FONDLING CERTAIN DISABLED CHILDREN OK’…’HETEROSEXUAL BASKETBALL COACHES CAN SLEEP WITH CONSENTING MINORS’…’CITY HONORS ENTRANCE EXAM NARROWED TO 1 QUESTION: ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH CHRIS JACOBS?’

The Buffalo Public Schools Board of Education, in an attempt to deflect the constant criticism of bumbling School Superintendent James Williams, enacted their own series of bungled reforms that made them the laughingstock of elementary school classes across the city. In addition to the actions listed above, The Board botched an investigation of Crystal Barton, the outspoken principal of McKinley High School, who had suspended the senior star of the girls’ basketball team for 3 months because, as Barton claimed, “she was on the verge of thinking about looking at me in a disrespectful manner.” School Board member Ralph Hernandez promised that the worst is yet to come. “Wait until you see how we totally screw up in 2009,” promised Hernandez, who vowed to finally oust Williams from his post and replace him with the now-exonerated Barton.

SCHOOL CHIEF WILLIAMS DISCARDS CERTIFIED LETTER FROM ED MCMAHON, FORFEITS PUBLISHERS CLEARINGHOUSE MILLIONS

Anxious to prove that he never opens his own mail, Buffalo School Superintendent James Williams tore up a certified letter from Ed McMahon that named Williams as the sole winner of the 2008 Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes (estimated to be worth more than $23 million after taxes). An unfazed Williams, speaking to reporters from the steps of a Buffalo courthouse (where he is participating in a multi-million dollar defamation lawsuit he filed against union chief Phil Rumore, who has repeatedly referred to Williams as a “retarded pansy wolf in sheep’s clothing”) said that he “only would have donated the money to the needy children of Buffalo anyway.”

JULY:

DOWNTOWN CASINO PLANS IN JEOPARDY: PENNY SLOTS DEEMED ‘TOO PRICEY’ BY FRUGAL CITY OFFICIAL

Mayoral spokesman Peter Cutler, calling penny slot machines “more appropriate for a wealthy city like Hoboken,” proposed his own gambling scenario to the Seneca Tribal leaders who are overseeing the construction of the Buffalo Creek Casino located downtown. “In my version of the slots, city residents get 5 pulls for a penny,” said Cutler. “The sheer fun experienced by the giddy gambler who stands joyously before the one-armed bandit will be extended fivefold. The Senecas eventually get their penny. And the word that spreads across our country that Buffalo is the premier destination for penny slot enthusiasts everywhere makes my proposal a win-win-win scenario.” Seneca elders had no comment.

AUGUST:

SAM HOYT INTERN APPLICATIONS AVAILABLE THIS SATURDAY AT ERIE COUNTY AFFAIR GROUNDS IN HAMBURG

Applicants are asked to bring proof of citizenship, a birth certificate, a tight-fitting swim suit and a 6-pack of Genesee beer. Interviews are not expected to last longer than 2 minutes for each candidate.

SEPTEMBER:

EFFORTS TO RENAME BALL PARK AFTER GRIFFIN FALL SHORT; COMPROMISE REACHED AS BISONS UNVEIL THE ‘JIMMY GRIFFIN MEMORIAL MEN’S ROOM’

“It’s both touching and appropriate,” said Griffin’s emotional widow, speaking at the dedication, “that men young and old will think of the late, great Mayor each time they need to relieve themselves at a Bisons game.”

OCTOBER:

MAYOR TOUTS FEWER CITIZEN COMPLAINTS; CRITICS CITE REAL REASON: MAYOR’S COMPLAINT LINE NOW AN ‘UNLISTED’ NUMBER

While Mayor Byron Brown pointed to a graph that vividly illustrated a dramatic reduction in calls to the the Mayor’s Complaint Line (falling from a high of 264 in January to 0 last month), critics complained loudly during the public session of the monthly CitiStat meeting that the phone number had been changed and is now unlisted. “Citizens of this city are smart enough to figure out how to make a call to the complaint line regardless of the availability of a working number,” retorted an angry Mayor Brown. “You are maligning the fine people of Buffalo by airing publicly this irrelevant argument about an allegedly unlisted phone number.” The Mayor encouraged the dissenters to meet with him at the conclusion of the meeting in his newly-relocated office, which can now be found at 123 Sesame Street in the City’s Vegetable Alley neighborhood.

NOVEMBER:

MAYOR’S SON SUSPECT IN 1993 MURDER OF NICOLE BROWN SIMPSON; OJ: ‘I TOLD YOU I WOULD FIND HER KILLER’

A distraught Mayor Byron Brown announced at an emotional press conference that his son had been implicated in a murder that happened over 16 years ago in Brentwood, California. The Mayor provided no details, nor did he take any questions after announcing that his son would be sentenced in January, 2009 for the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson in 1993, the same year that the Mayor’s son was born. “Told you,” read the simple statement released by OJ’s attorney AC Cowlings.

MAYOR ATTEMPTS COUP ON NORTH BUFFALO’S COMMON COUNCIL SEAT; LOCURTO REBUFFS TAKEOVER BY MAKING AN OFFER MAYOR CAN’T UNDERSTAND: ‘LET’S WORK TOGETHER TO IMPROVE THE CITY’

Setting aside his grief over the recent arrest of his son on a murder charge, Mayor Brown attempted a hostile takeover of the office of Delaware District Councilman Michael LoCurto. The Mayor’s coup attempt followed a failed “food blockade” that Mayor Brown had hoped would infuriate North Buffalo residents long enough for them to call for LoCurto’s resignation. An unfazed LoCurto, reminding the Mayor that he had grown up in this “great neighborhood whose residents “put the ‘hert’ in ‘Hertel,’” issued a directive to the Mayor to return to his office in City Hall so that “he might get something done in the interest of the citizens of Buffalo.” A deflated Mayor Brown left LoCurto’s office with an ominous warning: “I hope you like to shovel, Mike, because North Buffalo just lost its winter snow plow privileges.”

GOV. PATERSON PROPOSES THANKSGIVING DAY TAX ON ALL NEW YORKERS, EXEMPTS INDIANS: ‘I LIKE MY SCALP, THANK YOU’

“I’m no dummy,” claimed the New York Governor as he proposed a Thanksgiving Day tax on the consumption of turkeys across the state. “Not only do I like the idea of keeping my hair attached to my skull but I think the Indians probably don’t have that much to be thankful for on this holiday, anyway. Has anyone actually seen their reservations, lately?”

DECEMBER:

GOVERNOR PATERSON ANNOUNCES NEW TAXES ON UPSTATE NY: ‘YOU’RE FIFTY-YEAR FREE RIDE ON NYC’S BACK IS OVER’

Comparing Buffalo, Rochester and Syracuse to “predatory molesters who return to the scene of their unspeakable crimes again and again and again,” Governor David Paterson announced that the “gravy train” that the upstate cities have ridden on for years is “off the tracks” and that additional taxes will be levied on Upstate citizens so that the residents of New York City can finally get their “just dessert.” Added the Governor, “Especially the unemployed hedge fund managers, bond managers and investment bankers who have slaved away for years so that cities like Buffalo and Niagara Falls could become so wealthy at their expense.”

CAROLINE KENNEDY VISITS BUFFALO, MEETS PEOPLE SHE WILL NEVER HAVE TO SUFFER THE COMPANY OF EVER AGAIN.

The woman who hopes to inherit Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat spent a painful 2 days in Buffalo listening to “moaners, whiners and homeless shelter clients who, if I understood their mumbling correctly, want a better selection of food.” The daughter of the late president assured her hosts that, if appointed, she has no intention of ever visiting Buffalo again. “Real New Yorkers are not aware that there is anything west of the Adirondacks in this great state,” said Kennedy. “And I aim to keep it that way.”

SANTA SKIPS CHRISTMAS EVE VISIT TO QUEEN CITY, CITES ‘SHODDY CONDITION’ OF UNPLOWED STREETS; KIDS APATHETIC: ‘HE ONLY BROUGHT US CRAP ANYWAY’

Thousands of Buffalo children awoke Christmas morning to find that their mantels held untouched glasses of milk, uneaten cookies and unread letters to Santa. For Paderewski Street resident Patreus Gibbs, discovering a barren space beneath his Christmas trees was “icing on the lame-ass cake I call Christmas in Buffalo.” Santa, who recently relocated his entire North Pole operation to Buffalo’s East Side, took a pass on his annual visit to the Queen City and he was not hesitant to tell reporters why. “The streets were a wreck. The snow plow plan really sucked this year and I just didn’t want to deal with the slushy mess,” Claus said from his offices on Fillmore Avenue. “I called your Mayor and told him ‘You’re doin’ a heck of a job, Brownie, a heck of a job. He thought I was actually complimenting him until he realized I wasn’t joking about skipping my Buffalo visit this year and his streets crew was the reason.” Claus had no comment on rumors that he would relocate to Cleveland if the Empire Zone tax incentive program is discontinued this Spring.

ARTVOICE EDITOR GEOFF KELLY CHARGED WITH PROMOTING FAKE NEWS; PLEADS INNOCENT: ‘I’M A JOURNALIST, NOT A POLITICIAN.’

Artvoice editor and journalist Geoff Kelly was arrested by Federal Bureau of Investigation representtives and transported last night to the US-operated military prison for terrorists located at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. During what authorities described as his “legal rendering,” Kelly was charged with “aiding and abetting Distributors of outrageous lies that aim to undermine the domination of the world by Warren Buffet and his agents, the Buffalo News and the United States of America.” A hooded and bound Kelly, who claimed before he was dragged from the offices of Artvoice on Main Street that he is “a journalist, not a politician,” has no legal rights under the crimes he is charged with and will likely never be heard from again. Candidates interested in applying for the editor’s opening posted immediately on the Artvoice website are asked to submit their resumes to the attention of Tom Golisano.