Caroline Hack

Playing (Big) House

1. Dear Caroline: My 14-year-old daughter, “Sally,” is bisexual. Most girls her age have sleepovers, and I’d be happy to allow it, but my husband says that any girl Sally likes should be considered the same as a boyfriend, so it is not appropriate for her to spend the night. I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same — mainly because Sally won’t end up getting pregnant after spending the night with a girl. What do you think? --Alice, Tonawanda

A. I just had a sleepover. Six sleepovers actually, in a row. And there were 4-12 other girls there depending on which night we’re talking about. It was at the Erie County Holding Center, and while I don’t remember why I was there, I did enjoy some horizontal quality time with some of my ‘roommates’. I don’t consider myself gay, but on any given day I might find myself making-out with a chick. Whatever. Some people find themselves lost in a good book; I emerge from blackouts kissing tall girls with big backyards. It’s how I’m wired. But rather than focus on the fact that you and your husband are trying to win separate arguments (he’s questioning the appropriateness of the sleeping arrangement and you’re trying to prove that no pregnancy can occur), I’d actually like to spotlight something more stunning in your letter. Your daughter has two parents who accept her bisexuality at the age of 14. Be happy that you have decreased the likelihood of her having sleepovers at the Holding Center by a factor of about a billion. Let her have the sleepover, and pretend you don’t hear anything from her room.

Q. Dear Caroline: My wife and I get together with other couples for date nights and even vacations. Some of us are in a better financial situation than the others. If I throw out an e-mail to everybody, should I exclude the people who probably can’t afford a given activity? I don’t want to leave anybody out, but I don’t want to make people upset at the higher priced ideas.

–Patrick, Lovejoy

A. You don’t want to leave people out? Yes you do. Specifically, you’d like to keep people in a lower economic demographic away, because you prefer certain activities over their company. This is how we keep my Uncle Haywood from attending Thanksgiving. We send him an invitation announcing that we’ll be celebrating in outrageously expensive locales. Last year we told him to meet us in a hot air balloon over the Grand Canyon, and then sighed in relief when he said he had other plans. We all knew his ‘other plan’ was licking pork fat from tin foil behind the Country Buffet, but at least we wouldn’t have to watch him mouth- breathe all night and make us uncomfortable by carting his dialysis machine around with him so he can “hook up”. Gross.

If you really want to make things easier for yourself, start inviting your poor friends to things they can afford but might find distasteful. My sisters and I invited my mother to ‘movie nights’, and then showed nothing but ‘Mommy Dearest’. She lasted 4 weeks before drinking herself to a brain that, if not wet, is considerably moist. Send out invites to things like dog fighting, seal beating, and musicals. If they show up you can say you were kidding and that you can’t be friends with bastards like them.