Alan Linament, Ruse On-Air Reporter

Ellen Maxwell

Cost cutting measures have taken place at Buffalo’s top rated newsstation, WIVB-Channel 4. While other staffers received holiday bonus checks, reporter Ellen Maxwell and morning anchor Lisa Scott received termination notices.

The firings shocked some staff; others seemed ambivalent to the release of the two popular employees. Don Postles offered this comment as he stood in the station parking lot lighting his cigar with a flaming 100 dollar bill: “Life’s tough these days. No one is indispensible and we should all be happy we have jobs. Read the rest of this entry »

By Ronn Chesmonde

NIAGARA FALLS — Thousands of dollars in damage was reported on city property after someone tore out the copper wiring and junction boxes from the conduit between the old Wintergarden and Teletech overnight on First Street in Niagara Falls. Read the rest of this entry »

Lindy Ruff

Coach’s edict sporadically motivating team.

The Buffalo Sabres were a team flailing its arms, hoping to catch wind or bounce off a rock, as they plummeted toward the bottom of the NHL standings. Lindy Ruff seized the opportunity like only a veteran coach can, and he gave the team a new mantra. A new creed. A new law. Its beauty was in its simplicity: ‘Forget that you suck’.

Suck indeed. The Sabres had lost 9 of 11. Ruff tried to employ the tried and true method of skating them so hard in practice that their eyes bled and many were unable to walk for several days after. STILL, they hobbled out on the ice and lost games.

And just before the game in Florida against a mediocre Panthers team, Ruff saw his opportunity. “I basically told them that we were starting fresh. Forget the past”, the sage said. Read the rest of this entry »

Mayor Duped in Scam

By Bob Loblaw

Mayor Byron Brown, in an effort to boost the budget lost millions in tax payer dollars when he invested in a Fonzi scheme over the past several months. He thought he was investing in a Ponzi or Pyramid scheme but it was not the case.

“I was trying to boost the bottom line and create a surplus heading into next year” said the Mayor. Hearing about windfall profits involving Ponzi schemes, he invested the garbage collection fees with a man he met while golfing at Delaware Park. The man who identified himself as John Cochtoastin talked the Mayor into investing in his Fonzi scheme claiming he would be at the top of the pyramid. Investigator’s revealed that the man actually was planning on selling thousands of iron on transfers of Arthur Fonzarelli (The Fonz) he acquired while garbage picking. He needed seed capital to finance the operation. “I don’t have any of the money left but I will give up some of the transfers” said Mr. Cochtoastin.

When asked why he did it the Mayor said, “I wasn’t really sure what the investment entailed but I figured if it involved The Fonz, it was a winner.”

By Frank Brutus

Buffalo Sabres managing partner Larry Quinn met the media during the first intermission of the Sabres recent victory over Tampa Bay and issued an emphatic denial that owner B. Thomas Golisano is actively shopping the team.

“When I walked into the Board of Governors room, everybody was laughing,” Quinn said. “They said, ‘We know you’re not selling. Who’s the idiot that leaked this story?’ ”

Quinn went on to say that any wealthy businessman or deep-pocketed Corporate giant who has heard the sale rumor should call him immediately so that he can personally dispel the idea that the team is for sale. “Day or night, even on the weekend, please call me on my cell phone or at home,” said Quinn. “So that I can refute this made-up myth, I would like to hear from each and every organization that thinks for one brief moment that Mr. Golisano would ever consider selling the Sabres. I would like to tell them all that this is a ridiculous sham and I would like to tell them by early next week, if that is possible.”

Golisano, the current owner of the team, echoed Quinn’s comments. “I’m never going to sell this team,” he told reporters while holding up a piece of paper that had the message “Act now! Prices this low won’t last!” scrawled across it. “I’m not shopping the Sabres. I haven’t hired an investment banker. I haven’t hired a lawyer,” claimed the Rochester billionaire. “I haven’t pored over the fine print that would appear in any type of complicated contract that would have to be signed by any potential buyer. In fact, we haven’t done any of the 42 specific actions that someone would do to if they wanted to sell the team.”

Quinn also said the team has no plans to play a portion of its games in Hamilton, Ont. “That would be like the Bills playing a home game somewhere other than at Ralph Wilson Staudium. Absolutely ridiculous, it just isn’t going to happen,” said Quinn, adding, “Not on my watch. Call me, Hamilton, so I can explain to you directly how three Sabres home games in your arena are just not going to happen next year

Mr. Claus

By Frank Brutus

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Unfortunately, however, even he is not immune from the stunning collapse of the world’s financial networks.

But every cloud has a silver lining: the poor outlook for Santa’s investment portfolio means good news for Buffalonians as Claus announced yesterday at a press conference that he is relocating his base of operations to Class D office space on Buffalo’s Fillmore Avenue. Read the rest of this entry »

It's Icy --- Zowie

“You gotta be freakin’ kidding me”– Mike Dirr, Riverside.

Residents in eastern New York and parts of New England are still complaining about a weekend ice storm that has caused power outages for over 1,000,000 residents. Though it’s been only two days since the storm, some people have complained that they are not able to live as comfortably as they are used to.

“I still don’t have power. I can’t shower, I can’t cook, I can’t do much of anything,” said Debbie Lucan of New Hampshire. “My plan is to go home and see how long I can stand it. If the power isn’t back on by tonight I’ll come back here to the fire hall. It’s so cold I can only stand it for so long.” Read the rest of this entry »

Chesley - Before the incident

Meteorologist/inventor misses with 11 blade spinning razor apparatus.

Hoping to turn the tide of luck in his favor, Chesley McNeil inadvertently jeopardized his position with an Atlanta news station. McNeil invented a ‘green’ men’s razor device in an effort to use common weather instruments to help perform common daily tasks. The result was a loss of 7 pints of blood and facial damage that may keep him from taking a position with station WXIA in Atlanta. He’s resting comfortably in the care of plastic surgeon Dominic Fragale at ECMC.

The accident occurred when McNeil put his “Shaving’s A Breeze” wind shaver to the test on his own face. McNeil recorded the incident, which he hoped to turn into a commercial promoting the shaver. Eleven blades spun as the instrument sat on McNeil’s windowsill, and the local weatherman lowered his face into position. Blood and specks of skin could be seen flying in the video. McNeil, barely able to maintain his trademark smile, was heard to say, “My face is as smooth as Lake Erie on a calm day…” before he fainted into a pool of blood.

WXIA station manager Ellen Cooke said only, “Chesley was our first choice for a new weather anchor, but we’re beginning to question some of his personal choices. We’ll be talking with him about his position with the station when doctors remove the stitches from his lips.”

By Frank Brutus

Ruse Staff Writer

Calling the idea of a signature bridge linking Buffalo and Fort Erie “outdated, outmoded and a menace to our precious migratory bird population,” a safety-tethered Mayor Byron Brown of Buffalo and Fort Erie’s Honorable Wayne Redekop held a joint news conference today to announce the planned construction of an underground “signature” tunnel linking their respective countries. Read the rest of this entry »

By Frank Brutus

John M. Gurtler, a former voice of the Buffalo Sabres and public address announcer for the Buffalo Bills, has pleaded guilty to nearly 700 counts of reckless torture that took place at regular intervals over the past fifteen years, the Erie County District Attorney’s Office said today. “What John Gurtler did to the hearts, minds and, specifically, to the ears of the thousands of Sabres and Bills fans in this town is unforgivable and cannot be undone,” said District Attorney Frank Clark. “Our hope is that by prosecuting Gurtler to the fullest extent allowed by law we might dissuade the next ‘wanna be’ sports announcer who plans to torture our law-abiding citizens from following through on such a destructive career choice.” Read the rest of this entry »