By Ronn Chesmonde

Elders of the Seneca Creek Indian tribe filed a lawsuit in Federal court this week seeking the demolition of every major structure in the city of Buffalo. In the lawsuit, the Elders cite that the bylaws enacted in 1794 by the Seneca Nation Preservation Board have been violated repeatedly by the “denigrations that have risen from the dirt in the last 150 years” in the metropolitan region encompassed by the Queen City.

“We’ve been around a long time,” said Seneca Preservation Board spokesman Stevie Ray Jimerson. “And we’ve remained patient for well over 200 years. But enough is enough.” Jimerson, standing at the downtown intersection of Court Street and Franklin, motioned to the buildings that surrounded him. “Say goodbye to these eyesores, Buffalo, and prepare yourselves for the return of the green, grassy plains that nature intended in the first place.”

Members of the Buffalo Historic Preservation Board reacted with disbelief when they heard about the lawsuit. “Don’t the Senecas have their beautiful reservation and casinos to historically protect?” asked a distraught BHPB chairman Dick Whiteman. “Just this morning I got a call that a 100-year-old brick fell off the facade of Eddie Brady’s bar on Genesee. Who is going to preserve that brick for the future generations of Buffalo? The Senecas? Give me a break.”

Lawyers familiar with U.S. Federal court rulings in the last 50 years say the Senecas have a rock-solid case against the city. Jay K. Smuckers, an attorney with the prestigious William Mattar firm on Delaware, says he is confident that the judge hearing the case will rule in favor of the tribe. “First the bulldozers will knock down every building in the city, preserving a few shanty-town type shacks and cabins to accurately reflect the type of architecture that was present in the late 1700s,” said Smuckers. “A couple of citizens will be allowed to remain to work as fur trappers and tanners. But the vast majority of the people living in the city of Buffalo will be forced to relocate to Rochester or Cleveland.”

Jimerson also took the opportunity to announce that, effective immediately, the Senecas will no longer sell tax-free cigarettes in New York State. Instead, the tribe will allow customers to trade in their used automobile tires for cartons of premium cigarettes. “Unless and until Governor Paterson decides to tax the free exchange of old rubber tires, the Seneca Nation intends to be the preferred destination for tire recyclers across the entire country,” said Jimerson. The governor’s office issued a one sentence response to Jimerson’s statement, stating only that “Governor Paterson didn’t see this coming.”