Mayor:  “Someday this is eventually going to be awesome at some point in the future.”

By Hardy Astrom

The City of Buffalo has announced that it has obtained an agreement in principle with Bass Pro to construct a new bridge replacing the outdated Peace Bridge. Bass Pro officials, who have yet to break ground on a superstore at the site of the recently deconstructed Memorial Auditorium, are excited about the prospect of building a signature bridge.
Mark Cornwall, spokesman for Bass Pro, made the announcement Tuesday. “We’re pleased to announce a letter of intent indicating our probable intention to build ‘Bass Pro’s Ugly Stik Spinning Rod Bridge’.” The bridge, named for Bass Pro’s top selling ultra lite fishing rod, has yet to be designed.
Mayor Byron Brown, speaking from his International Bridge Resource Center in Raleigh, North Carolina, expressed his excitement, and welcomed the outdoor giant’s fresh ideas.
“We have decided to dismiss all of the previous designs for structures that might have someday joined Canada and the U.S.” he said in a telephone interview. “In our dealings with Bass Pro, we have come to expect great expectations. And the City expects to anticipate a great plan that Buffalo and Fort Erie can look forward to expecting to enjoy looking ahead to in the years to come.”
Opponents to the joint business enterprise between the City and Bass Pro needed only to reflect on the lack of progress with the pair’s first unfinished venture.
“Unstarted, actually,” commented Dominic Fragale, founder of ‘ResponsAccounailiTy”, or RAT, a local political watchdog group. “At our most recent organizational meeting, which was called in response to this announcement, we spent the first 45 minutes in silence. A group of over 150 activists were literally speechless, if you can believe that.” Fragale added that his group would begin organizing protests immediately, perhaps even beating Bass Pro to the punch. “One suggestion was to see if we could build our own bridge before Bass Pro gets started. We could probably build it using the bodies of citizens who have died since Bass Pro first promised us a store.”
Mayor Brown strongly disagrees with Fragale’s group. “Logistically speaking I have serious doubts as to whether Buffalo based corpses would make for a structurally sound bridge. I’m no expert, but just considering decomposition….I mean….I don’t think that would work at all. Though if Bass Pro presented us with a carcass signature bridge I would certainly sign on. In the context of Bass Pro at the helm of a dead body bridge, I find it rather exciting.”

By Ronn Chesmonde

Mr. and Mrs. Randall Paul of Orchard Park are proud to announce the engagement of their son Don Paul to long-time WIVB co-worker and fellow weatherman Mike Cejka.

This happy couple has weathered many storms.

Mr. Paul has been employed since 1982 as the Senior weatherman at the local CBS affiliate where he has blathered on for years about wind speed, hyper-cyclonic cloud cover and the possibility for intense wind shear.  He met Mr. Cjeka when they were paired together in the late 1980’s for a Channel 4 special report on lake effect snow that was pounding the Southtowns.  “We did some pounding of our own later that night,” recalls Mr. Paul.

Mr. Cjeka, who is employed as the junior weather man at WIVB, has become very comfortable delivering the news.  However, he was less enthusiastic to discover what it is like to be on the other side of a news story when he trespassed on private property in Niagara County and then ran a stop sign while fleeing from police, who drew their weapons and handcuffed him.

Cjeka maintains that he finds it “romantic, not illegal” to use the light of the moon to look under the tarped, private property of others and he claims that “jealous police have been out to get me for years.”

Although no wedding date has been set, local news fans predict that this relationship has a “70% chance of torrential storms with unusually high levels of liquid precipitation.”

By Bob Loblaw

A Niagara County Sheriff’s deputy pulled his gun and handcuffed Mike Cejka in an unusual incident last week.

Cejka reportedly sped from the scene in his 1987 Jeep Cherokee moments after pulling up the tarp covering a moped parked in a driveway on Old Beattie Road.

The incident happened at 4am, sparking concerns that Cejka has “gone ‘Barry Lillis’ on us,” according to WIVB producer James Lennon.  “You see, Barry would do the 11pm weather forecast and then get bombed up on Black Velvet and try to lift anything resembling a skirt. Of course he would start with the crew and female staffers at the station but would eventually lift anything that resembled a fabric covering.”  Lennon continued, “He once lifted a painters tarp and was attempting to mount a tool box after a newscast in ‘79.”

Cejka tried to use his enormous popularity when apprehended by screaming, “Don’t You Know Who I Am, I’m Mike Cejka!” He then lifted up both hands, clenched them into fists and began swinging them wildly. He then said, “This is thunder, and this is lightning, you want to get caught up in this storm?”

The officer responded by aggressively taking down Cejka and tossing him in the back of the squad car.

Cejka’s last comments were, “Cloudy with 100% chance of your back seat getting soiled.”

Attempts to reach the Cejka residence were not successful.  Actually, we didn’t really try.

By Frank Brutus

Common Council President David Franczyk released the controversial questionnaire that has been given to the five candidates who are currently interviewing for the seat vacated by disgraced Ellicott District Councilman Brian Davis.

At least one of the candidates has called the questionnaire “patently unfair and offensive.”  What do you think?

Question 1: In your opinion, is the damage done to the City of Buffalo in the last four years by our incompetent Mayor Byron Brown at all reversible?

Question 2: What one fact about the One Sunset restaurant scandal convinced you that the whole thing was perpetrated by our shameful Mayor Byron Brown?

Question 3: If you were the FBI, what other guilty members of the Brown Administration would you investigate and why?

Question 4: What percentage of the block grant money that normally goes to the Ellicott District would you be willing to re-direct toward the Broadway Market?  The Botanical Gardens?  The Delaware Park Golf Course?

Question 5: Over the next four years, how hard will you campaign for a Polish-American Common Council member who runs for the office of Mayor of Buffalo?

Question 6: Why is it that the poorest neighborhoods in Buffalo are comprised of mainly jobless minorities and their kids?

Question 7: Which sounds better: Governor of NY David Franczyk or President Of The United States of America David Franczyk?

Question 8: Enough about you.  What do you think about the job done so far by the hard-working Common Council majority?

Question 9: Can you keep a secret?

Question 10: What fearless Buffalo political leader has a name that rhymes with “Lavid Pronzak?”

By Murray Lite, Editors Choice

I get Christmas cards and letters every year from family and friends and have decided to share some of the letters with you. Most people just send cards, but some actually  take the time to write a family newsletter detailing everything that happened to them throughout the year.

Enjoy and Happy Holidays!

1. From Larry Flesler

Well another year has passed and I’m still vertical so chalk one up to the big guy. I enjoyed a terrific year with family and friends.

The year started out on a positive note when  I was able to convince my old pal Van to lance the golfball size boil that’s been affixed to my forehead for the past 8 months.  Good friends are priceless.  I was able to start an exercise program and plan to resume it this January. Not sure about the results as I’m 46 pounds heavier than last year but it sure is nice checking out the dames at ‘Curves.’

Springtime came and we adopted a Great Dane-Chow mix from the SPCA and have finally adjusted to life with a dog.  My daughter insisted on naming her ‘Climax.’  My charming Wife and ever-present daughter claim they have allergic reactions to dog feces and thus I clean up the Buick-sized turds left in the yard every day.  I was never a dog person but am trying my best to become one.  One thing I learned so far is that you can’t feed a dog chicken bones.  I made the mistake of feeding him a leftover drumstick and plate of half-eaten wings and boy was I sorry.  I spent the next three days following him around with a pair of pliers trying to dislodge the bones from his backside.  Climax sleeps in my bed with me every night which suits me fine as my Wife normally sleeps in the guest room.  She sometimes has sleepovers with a rather husky-looking friend she met while taking a class on general carpentry at the local Home Depot.

I was introduced to the world of cellular telephones as my daughter gave me a cell phone with the ability to send a message by typing into the keyboard of the phone.  They call it text messaging. It took me awhile to get used to the cryptic abbreviations but it’s a great way to keep in touch with friends and family.  My daughter sends me messages like u r a fat slob,  i h8 u and lol at u f@tty.

My pal Van has one too and says he sends “textual” messages to dames all the time.  I’m not sure what that means but Van has been dropping penicillin pills like M&M’s lately.

We went on a family vacation to New York City over the summer.  My Wife and daughter spent most of the trip on Broadway watching a show called “The Thunder Down Under” about some fellas from Australia.  They even visited some of the cast in their hotel after the performance. They spent most of their time in the Hotel with them as I wandered around the streets of NY by myself.  I did run into them at an outdoor cafe and overheard one of them say to my wife that he had a monster in his pants that does a little dance.  Interesting.

Fall and the start of winter were uneventful and my Wife and Daughter didn’t come back with me from New York.  I have sequestered myself in my home with just a box of Cheetoh’s and barbecue sauce awaiting their return.  Bye ’til next year!

2. From Margaret Sullivan

Murray, where did you put the stapler?

Best Regards,

Maggie Sullivan

3. From Mayor Byron Brown

Dear Voter,

Thank you in advance for donating to my campaign.

Sincerely,

Byron

3. From Former Common Councilman Brian Davis

Happy Holidays Murray! I have enclosed a check for you to spend as you see fit.  Enjoy!

Brian

4. From Steve Pigeon

To Whom it May Concern,

Cease and desist writing inflammatory comments about me.  I own this town.

Steve

By Frank Brutus

Williams: Agenda Goes For The Money Shot

Here is the agenda for the next Buffalo Board of Education meeting, released this morning by Superintendent James Williams.

1. Welcome, Pledge of Allegiance
2. Old Business:
A. Open Letter, Read Into The Record By Superintendent James Williams: Remember When You All Tried To Run Me Out Of Town Last Year?
3. New Business:
A. Definition of On-line Pornography (to be read aloud).
B. Legal Discussion: Can pornography download itself onto the computers used by members of this Board? Answer: No.
C. Legal Discussion: Is it against the law to use Board-authorized computers for personal or political gain?  Answer: Yes.
D. Open Letter To Members Of The Board of Education From Superintendent James Williams: I Think I Just Gained Two More Supporters On This Board.
4. General Session Topic: Who’s Laughing Now?
5. Executive Session Topic: Superintendent James Williams, That’s Who.
6. Complimentary foot massages performed by Board Members Hernandez and Panepinto for whoever wants one.
7. What Time Is It?  It’s James Williams Time!
8. Motion To Adjourn.

By Larry Flesler

-I feel sorry for Tiger Woods, I had a similar problem back in the late 70’s with six of the copy girls at the Courier.  I couldn’t keep them straight, kept calling them by each others name. It was fun, we’d go to Ray Flynns for a few pops during lunch and then make whoopie in the slop closet.  Good times.

-I’ve been eating a lot of cheese lately.

-The first snowfall of the year is a time for celebration. Van has a ritual where he drinks a shot of Dewar’s for every snowflake on his front window.  He doesn’t care what time of day it is either, he’ll just sit there and get sauced. He then goes out and offers to shovel his neighbors driveway.  She’s a 60-something sultry dame with a great caboose.  She turns him down every year but Van’s no quitter.  Last year he fell asleep on her front porch wearing just his bathrobe.

-I’m getting huge.  I’ll be starting my Get Fit routine after the Holidays are over.  I normally eat my weight in spiral Ham between Thanksgiving and New Years so it will be a challenge.

-I love Christmas.  There’s something about going into debt for the next 9 months to buy gifts, getting the guilt trip for buying gifts that are too cheap and getting bombed and passing out under the Tree every year that says ‘Happy Birthday Jesus!’

-One of my favorite movies is ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’  Van comes over every year to watch it with me and he always ends up weeping when Mr. Gower gets blasted with the seltzer - he says it’s because he always wanted to be a pharmacist.

-I’m thinking about getting a spray tan.  My daughter has hinted that I would look better with a tan.  I overheard her talking to my Wife calling me a big white bag of pus.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Fred Savage.  I loved him in ‘Saved by The Bell.’

-I recently spent $14.00 at McDonalds on the dollar meal double-cheeseburgers.

-Godspeed Screech.

By Bob Loblaw on Special Assignment

The Buffalo Ruse has obtained audio of Tiger Woods leaving a voice mail message for mistress Jaimee Grubbs, click link ->  tiger

Tiger with alleged lovers

He also alledgedly has been with plus size super model twins on multiple occasions, we have obtained a photo of him with said beauties.

More details as they come in, and if Murray pays my expense report.

By Bob Loblaw, On Assignment

A South Florida bowling alley maintenance worker and a Georgia toll booth worker claim to be Tiger’s 11th and 12th conquests.

Sally-Tiger's #11

Sally Rottencroch of Dania, Florida claims that she had a fling with TIger while he was walking from the 9th green to the 10th tee at Doral Country Club at the Ford Doral tournament last year. “He was a terrific lover with an insatiable sex drive, a gentle touch and was so well endowed that he used his driver head cover as a condom.”  Miss Rottencroch also claims Tiger texted her 400 times during the last nine holes and even received  a racy “sext” message of a nude Tiger straddling his golf bag.

Madge Austin was working at her job collecting tolls when she claims a Cadillac Escalade pulled up.  She then began a torrid affair with Mr. Woods, which backed up traffic of the far right lane for more than 15 minutes. “I shoulda put the red light on signaling my booth was closed like I do when I’m reading the paper,” said Mrs Austin. “I was handing him his receipt when he grabbed my hand and licked it.  I was instantly smitten,” Austin continued.  “I then received 398 text messages over the course of the next 15 minutes. He wanted me to text him nude photos but I accidentally sent them to my supervisor.”

Madge - #12

Both Women claim they will be producing the evidence of their respective affairs over the coming weeks.

By Bob Loblaw (on Special Assignment)

While vacationing in Disney World, my boss Murray called and told me to go directly to Windermere Florida to investigate the Tiger Woods accident.

I was able to talk to a neighbor who claimed that Mr. Woods had indeed been chased down the driveway by his Wife as she was striking the SUV with a golf club. He became distracted and crashed his SUV.

His face was allegedly scratched by his non-alleged hot wife while discussing with her that his alleged affair with a NYC party planner was about to become public.

Disfigured Woods after the 'Accident'

I then obtained the following image showing the disfigured Woods right after the accident.

More details as the story unfolds.