Recent results of Mayor's new plan

By Hardy Astrom

Byron Brown’s Snow Removal Plan was met with icy glares and lukewarm response from council members last week.  In an effort to stem the blizzard of criticism he’s received in the days since unveiling the plan, the mayor hopes further explanation of the original plan and fresh ideas are met with approval.

The mayor held a press conference in the Removal Plan’s new Command Center in Raleigh, North Carolina.  “Here at the Command Center we can address the problems a winter storm can bring without losing valuable time trying to navigate the dangerous streets of Buffalo”, the mayor said.  “You can see then, how the GPS system, while very expensive, is necessary to help us to find the accumulating snow from a safe distance.”  Brown explained that swirling snow poses a significant problem for city plow drivers.  “It’s all over the place.  We need satellite assistance to determine where the snow finally lands, and then direct our drivers accordingly.  From here in Raleigh”.

Mayor announces new snow removal plan outside Raleigh Command Center

Brown also clarified these debatable points in his original plan:

–Utilize personnel from other departments to aide in the removal of snow.

“We have folks from the Arts Commission who just found their new medium.  I’d like to think the Michelangelo of snow sculpture is right here in Buffalo.  Well, right there in Buffalo.”

–Implement corporate emergency access system.

“Our white collar, corporate workers need a clear and dry route to do their important work on their mahogany desks.  So part of the city’s strategic plan would be to make sure the suburbs are plowed first so these folks can get to work.”

–Adjust alternate parking regulations.

“In the future, cars would need to be moved every 7 minutes.  Illegally parked cars would be towed at the owner’s expense, and fines would be taxed and used to improve the Command Center’s air-conditioning system, so we might better meet the snow removal needs in the city of Buffalo, which I hear is having a hell of a time with snow right now”.

Brown also introduced a few additions to his original plan.

**Replace asphalt with salt.

“Our streets are costing us millions to maintain due to the damage that rickety, jagged plows and salt unleash every winter.  Replacing the asphalt with streets of salt will allow us to watch snow melt as soon as it hits, and to repair streets with something we all have on our kitchen table.”  When questioned on the ecological impact the salt would have on Lake Erie, Brown saw another opportunity.  “In a few short years we could be talking about Erie Ocean.  The quaint little seaside city of Buffalo has a nice little ring to it.”

First shipment of experimental Asph-salt road material is unloaded

**Designate all vehicles as illegal assault weapons.

“Within the context of vehicular manslaughter, every car owner is technically carrying a poorly concealed weapon.  If we can get these weapons off the streets, our plow drivers will have little difficulty clearing the streets for increased foot traffic.”

Brown is expected back at City Hall in April to further discuss snow removal strategies.

By Ronn Chesmonde

And you live in Lackawanna: You’ve already shown your willful disregard for human life by choosing to raise your family in Lackawanna so pay the bill no matter what incorrect amount is listed.  But let’s be honest:  if the number at the bottom of the bill is for more than $13.00 you won’t have the cash until your cousin Ronnie gets back into town.  Buy a twelve pack instead.

And you live in Elma/Aurora: Hey, how’s the air up there, snootface?  Remember: volunteering one morning each year to drive a 12-pound-turkey into the Food Bank on Thanksgiving makes you a better person than your trillionaire neighbor.  Add $1000 to the bill you receive and don’t forget to call your kids, who anxiously await your untimely death (and their inheritance) while frittering away their empty lives at the out-of-state boarding school you force them to attend.

And you live in Derby: Admit it, you were too busy trying to impress your neighbor’s teenage daughter to notice that there was an error in your bill.

And you live in Clarence: Frame your tax bill in gold and place it conspicuously on your Corian countertop so that the neighbors notice your house is worth more than theirs when they come over for your monthly Republican strategy meetings.  By the way, Jesus loves Clarence residents more than he does lepers, cancer victims and alcoholics.  That’s why you’re all leading such rich, meaningful lives.

And you live in Buffalo: Double the amount shown on the bill you received and send the whole shot to the Buffalo Teachers Federation.  Those poor saps haven’t had a raise in six years and, judging by the fact that you still live in the city, your obvious stupidity qualifies you for the “special” tax rate under Chris Collin’s new “moron” equalization plan.

And you live in Ebenezer: What?  Ebenezer still exists?? This must be some sort of mistake.  If there is anyone in Erie County who is courageous enough to admit they support the additional taxes required to keep the hamlet of Ebenezer on the tax rolls, please pay your incorrect bill promptly and report immediately to the back of Bill Flanagan’s barn where you will be shot dead.  It’s curtains for you, Ebenezer.

Metal Detector - unable to detect idiot board members

“To get to the heart of the matter, we need grumpy detectors.”-Board of Ed member, Lou Petrucci

A motion to install metal detectors was overwhelmingly defeated at the Buffalo Board of Education meeting Monday night.  The special meeting was called by Chris Jacobs and Catherine Collins who supported the measure, but were outvoted 7-2.  Jacobs hoped the detectors would help stem a recent trend in school violence.

“It’s important to give the kids in our district a safe environment in which to learn”, Jacobs said after the meeting.  His opponents however, had differing views as to the severity of the problem.  Superintendent James Williams, who mistakenly referred to the ‘right to bear arms’ as a part of the district’s student handbook,  reassured parents attending the meeting that no shots have been fired by students.  “Let’s face it folks, guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people.”

“I am not here to split hairs with you as to what weapons are or are not allowed in a given teacher’s classroom.  If teachers don’t want guns in their class then they should make sure there is a sign posting a rule that says as much.  I’d like to install big fat baby detectors, but there’s not a teacher that would pass through.”

Buffalo Teachers Federation president Phil Rumore is unhappy with the current climate in city schools.  “I’ve got reports of teachers being hit, kicked, slapped and chewed on.   The BTF has pending lawsuits against several families, the district, shoes, and dentists.”  He is advising his constituency to take appropriate measures if there isn’t an agreement on the metal detectors by Friday.  “If the district won’t take measures to get weapons out of the classroom, my teachers will have no choice but to carry knives.”

Lou Petrucci, Park district Board member feels that the Board needs to consider more proactive tactics.  “All metal detectors detect is metal.  They don’t detect the underlying problems.  Why aren’t these students feeling safe in class?”  Petrucci went on to suggest other options.  “A Grumpy Detector would allow us to give these kids a hug before they pick up a gun.  Problem solved.”  He also suggested passing out gummi bears and ‘Random Act of Kindness’ certificates to students who don’t threaten, beat, or impregnate other students.

Williams became agitated at the suggestion, and had to be restrained by Buffalo Police officers.  At one point, Jacobs screamed, “He’s got a gun!” and the room was cleared for several minutes.  Board members were patted down before the meeting resumed.

New Walmart Location

By Frank Brutus

In a daring proposal submitted to the Common Council yesterday by developer James Pitts, Buffalo’s historic H.H. Richardson towers will be modified to form a giant “W” as plans for the world’s first Romanesque-styled WalMart were unveiled at a public hearing held in the Administration building of the one-time State Insane Asylum.

Pitts, sensitive to the firestorm of criticism that erupted over his last proposal “The Jim Pitts’ Fast Food Waterfront Experience,” spared no adjectives in describing his latest project.  “The esteemed councilmen and women who are seated so intelligently before me tonight would have to be crazier than scat-house rats not to leap at this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity,” said Pitts, speaking with Mayor Byron Brown at his side.  “You’re talking about one of America’s largest corporations, one with the best name-brand recognition in the world, taking over a dilapidated, dumpy dungeon of dampness and transforming it into a stellar center that will superbly serve the needs of shoppers from South Buffalo to Sloan.”

Mr. Pitts stands near some of his thriving developments

Pitts, pointing to a colorful rendering of the huge “W” that would grace the skies above Forest Avenue, brushed aside concerns that a gigantic WalMart wouldn’t fit into the vision created by the 1876 collaboration between renowned architect Henry Hobson Richardson and landscape engineer Frederick Law Olmstead.  “Listen to me Buffalo,” pleaded Pitts.  “If Fred Olmstead or Hank Richardson needed drawing pencils today, where do you think they would buy them?” he asked.  “At WalMart.  Because WalMart offers price rollbacks on thousands of items everyday, including 10 % discounts on all art supplies and medina sandstone.”

Council President David Franczyk, while acknowledging the thoroughness of Pitts’ proposal, wondered aloud if there might not be better ideas for using the historic building and surrounding grounds.  “I’ve often thought that Buffalo needs a world-class luge run, a gothic-themed aquarium or, at the very least, a sprawling water park that would serve as a sanctuary for pigeons and squirrels during the hot summer months,” said Franczyk, who recalled that his great-great grandparents met and married when they were both patients at the State Hospital in the late 1880s.  The acting Common Council President agreed with Pitts when he stated that there is “no better place to discuss all of these ideas than on the very site where literally thousands of unfortunate souls were condemned to live out their final, insanity-fueled days.”

The Council eventually tabled a motion to accept Pitts’ WalMart proposal and sent the proposal to committee.  The lawmakers did manage to pass one resolution, however, when Masten District representative Demone Smith sponsored a moratorium on the development of all boutique hotels and green spaces in the City of Buffalo until further notice.

Vanek reports, shows support for teammates by staying off scoresheet entirely.

–Hardy Astrom

The Buffalo Sabres’ players made a strong statement Sunday, refusing to report to the All Star game in Montreal, hoping to draw attention to issues still largely undefined.  Thomas Vanek reported to the game as the lone team representative, wearing a black armband of solidarity under his uniform.  He played without registering a goal or an assist in a game which featured 23 goals, another show of support to his teammates.

Sources close to the team have learned that the players are still steaming at the lack of respect Ryan Miller has been receiving, but will not reveal who the object of their ire is.

Among those mentioned as targets of the boycott are the league itself, referees, coach Lindy Ruff, opposing forwards, fans (away), Gary Bettman, fans(home), and pucks.

“It’s not fair”, said Derek Roy, who was watching the game at Dave and Buster’s in Williamsville.  “Ryan has been dealing with a lot this year and we just felt it was time to make a stand.”

“His feelings have been really hurt”, added Tim Connelly, who is nursing a strained pancreas and will likely miss 6 weeks.  “I’d rather get hurt physically than deal with what he’s been dealing with.  It’s just totally uncalled for.”  No Sabre would come out and specifically identify the offending entity, so the effectiveness of the protest may very well fall the way of their power play in recent weeks.

Vanek would only say that Miller has been a target, and he couldn’t stand by any longer without making a statement.

“I went to the all star game for a reason.  No goals, no assists, minus 3 and one shot on net.  I sent my message loud and clear, and the people we’re trying to reach better take note.”  Based on Vanek’s methods, Jochen Hecht may be protesting now and for the past 4 months.  With 5 goals and 9 assists, he might be considered the leader of the movement.

“Well, I wouldn’t say that”, he said, responding to the implication.  “But I do support Ryan.”

Larry Flesler - Commentary

-I enjoy the NHL All-Star game. Van and I watched it together this year at the Scotch and Sirloin. The third period was interupted when Van was caught streaking through the bar. I grabbed him and held him tight for a long while.

-I watched some of the Australian Open yesterday, says here that the William’s sisters could crack a coconut between those massive thighs.

-Bruce is a sure bet for the Hall of Fame, he is the best defensive end to play the game - he told me so.

-I had a wardrobe malfunction at Church yesterday, odd the Priest never said anything.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of James Woods.

-Clarke MacArthur is the second coming of Jason Dawe or Paul Cyr or Sean McKenna or Vaclav Varada or Wayne Primeau or Taylor Pyatt or Bob Corkum.

-I can’t wear v-neck tee shirts anymore, I have way too much cleavage.

-Godspeed James Woods

By Frank Brutus

What could have been one of the darkest days in the history of the City of Buffalo was heroically averted yesterday by South District Common Councilman Michael “Mickey” Kearns. Combining his expert political training with an 8th-grade public school education, Kearns calmly enacted a “double-bird” strike to bring down a hot-air proposal that threatened to devastate Buffalo’s waterfront for generations to come.

Hundreds of witnesses told their story to reporters who flocked to the scene of what some are referring to as the ‘Miracle on Lake Erie.’ “I was watching as Jim Pitts’ waterfront hotel plan was slowly being lifted into the air, higher and higher, by a few council members who supported it,” said Buffalo resident and eyewitness Carl “Jimbo” Brandt. “Then, all of a sudden, from out of nowhere, both of Mr. Kearns’ middle fingers shot straight up. There was a loud ‘bang’ and the proposal burst into flames, black smoke billowing from it’s edges. The last I saw, the flaming proposal was in the hands of Mr. Kearns as he ran in the direction of the Chamber exit.” Another witness recounts what happened next. Rebecca Simons, who operates a cheese cart outside of City Hall, watched as Kearns rushed by her with the fiery proposal in his bare hands. “He looked composed, he wasn’t shouting or screaming,” said Simons, who added, “He actually said to me as he rushed by that he would be back to try some of the gouda. The man is an angel sent straight from Heaven.”

Emergency rescue teams, still assembled at the Buffalo shoreline late last night, were incredulous that the incident was resolved with no reported deaths or serious injuries. “What Mickey Kearns pulled off here today is nothing short of a miracle,” said Buffalo Fire Department chief Michael Lombardo “We’re not a city equipped to deal with the sort of disaster that was looming in that proposal. If it hadn’t been safely thrown into the ice-covered lake, there’s no telling how many people might have been victimized for years to come.”

Kearns, reported by neighbors to be at home with his wife and children, declined to speak to reporters. Raised on the streets on South Buffalo, Kearns learned the power of a double-bird strike while he worked as an aide to the late Mayor James D. Griffin. Family members, who claimed that Kearns never imagined he would ever need to use his bird strike training, were effusive in their praise. “Mickey never asked to be a hero,” said his cousin Molly McGuinness. “But on the precipice of Buffalo’s darkest hour, he calmly carried out the duties that he has spent a lifetime learning.” McGuinness’ sister Maureen quickly added, “And every Buffalo resident owes him more than their gratitude. They need to vote for him when he runs for Mayor later this year.”

Mayor Brown downplayed the Councilman’s heroism. “I like to think that we are all heroes in Buffalo. Plow-drivers, police officers, taxpayers,” said the Mayor. “And I’d like to remind everyone that Mr. Kearns, in throwing the flaming waterfront proposal into Lake Erie, may have created a separate environmental problem that will take generations to correct.” Brown declined to clarify exactly what he meant by that.

Obama waves to the common man

Balls, parades, unprecedented security costs are enough to buy heat, food for millions.

By Hardy Astrom

Describing a core belief in “the future of our children and grandchildren,” Barak Obama boldly asked Americans face the grave economic crisis with the fortitude and determination that helped make our country great. In the most watched inauguration in history, Obama spoke passionately of the people who came before us, and sacrificed for the luxuries of our freedom.

“Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. Time and again they worked for minimum wage but still paid their taxes, and because of people like them, I was able to enjoy the most wonderful prime rib, at a formal ball, off of a plate which has gold–real gold– in the shape of an eagle. Only in a country as great as ours, can I lick gravy off of gold.”

In a call to Americans who have lost hope, who fear the worst in the direction of the U.S. economy, Obama had words of encouragement and perseverance.

“Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America. I will be picking myself up off of sheets that likely cost more than your house. I will watch workers dust off my shoes, so that I may put them on, and have my next four years of meals formally catered. I will work to remake America, and, God willing, I will be successful, by simply not being George Bush.”

Obama also reached out to the global community, in an effort to repair relations that have become strained in recent years. While not referencing the Bush foreign policy legacy specifically, the President pledged the support of the United States to countries that need assistance.

“To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. My mind is currently stuffed. Crème Brule at 11 in the morning will do that to a guy, and when we, as Americans, clean up after this $150,000,000 concert/ball/parade/party, we will be sufficiently able to figure out how to best help you to farm your rocky barren land, and how to strain sewage from your drinking water.”

The President also referenced the spiritual component necessary to the rebuilding of America. A faith that we will succeed.

“This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.”

A similar statement was found tied to a rock that was hurled at the motorcade bringing Obama to the inauguration, and was traced to a man with ties to the Taliban.

Position with bank not bringing notoriety promised at DeVry

Like many graduates from actual colleges, Rick Zastrom graduated from DeVry ‘University’ in 1999 with the promise of a 6-digit income and an exciting career in the field of his choice. Deciding on the Information Security was easy for Zastrom, but the fast paced high paying lifestyle has eluded him so far. “In college I spent a tremendous amount of time developing a relationship with my computer. So after I finished I was ready to hook up with some people. Girls, specifically.” He still awaits the promise of a new life to be fulfilled.

“First of all, I didn’t realize that the 6 digits would include a decimal point,” he laments. “And the people in the commercial always work at NASA or NASCAR. It’s cool that I work at a place with initials, but it’s not really getting me digits when I’m out clubbing.” Zastrom explained that ‘digits’ are the phone numbers of women he would like to date, and that ‘clubbing’ is alternating between Applebee’s and Friday’s near the Boulevard Mall.

Though adding the word ‘Specialist’ on his laminated Information Security employee ID badge has added a sense of importance to his job, at least to himself, Zastrom has decided to insist on a title with a little more clout.

“My last name is pretty unique in that it starts with a Z,” he explains. “I was called last in every roll-call from kindergarten on up. I put in my time and now it’s time to cash in.” By using the letter Z creatively, Zastrom feels he can change his image, which by all appearances is presently pasty and tiresome, and become more exciting to his coworkers.

“I’m deciding on a new title. I’m thinking about things like, ‘Z-Diddy’ or ‘Z-Licious’.” Zastrom said proudly. “When the boys in IT catch on it’ll start a buzz in the office. The ladies will want to know what the ‘dealio’ is.”

Not surprisingly, some coworkers also have suggestions for Zastrom’s new moniker.

“How about ‘Z-Tarded’?” suggested Dave Meyers, from the bank’s mortgage department.

“A lot of people think he’s pretty ‘Z-Diculous’ for giving himself a nickname,” added Mark Perna from Home Equity Loans. Other ideas from the office include ‘Z-Ranged,’ ‘Z-Sgusting,’ and ‘Z-Dick.’

Zastrom, who is quietly known at M&T as ‘Patches,’ in reference to his attempt at growing a goatee, is optimistic about his new ‘handle’, and ready for the attention coming his way.

“It’s like a rebirth. Like I went into a cocoon shortly after my original birth, and now I’m ready to emerge a new person. I think it will be Z-Tastic.”

Paul Delano angered over new tax law

Ronn Chesmonde

Martin Kennedy is not a popular figure in Buffalo these days. The man responsible for assessing the annual value of each and every home in Buffalo, Kennedy has been on the hot seat in recent weeks after thousands of Buffalo homeowners expressed their displeasure with his revaluation of their 2009 home values.

But Martin says he is only doing his job. Which, as he defines it, is “to raise as much money as I can for the tax coffers in this, the third-poorest city in America.” He recently sponsored a law, approved by the Buffalo Common Council, which gives green grass “endangered wildflower” status. “People don’t realize how much value the endangered grass that surrounds your home actually adds to your property’s worth,” claims Martin. “And if you have crickets or worms in that lawn, it may be even more valuable, especially considering those creatures are considered ‘exotic wildlife on the verge of extinction’ by the Urban Tax Scientists of America, an organization I hold in the highest regard.”

Homeless Buffalo resident Paul Delano doesn’t care about the newly recognized “endangered” status of the grass or the worms because he doesn’t have either near the refrigerator box that he calls home. Still, under Kennedy’s leadership, Delano will receive a tax bill this year. “I can’t afford to live in this city anymore,” stated Delano, while huddling beneath the 33 ramp at Oak Street. “I was told that I have to pay taxes because my empty cardboard box is located near a prime downtown development zone, whatever the hell that means.” Delano, a vagrant who earns money by recycling empty beverage cans and stealing car stereos, says he will probably move to Cheektowaga or Lackawanna, municipalities that don’t tax the homeless.

Martin understands the ire of the people he is charged with assessing. “I don’t like raising anyone’s property taxes,” he claimed while watching his personal assistant polish his BMW through the picture window of his posh City Hall office. “But without Buffalonians paying higher and higher taxes, I’d probably have to find a real job somewhere in a part of this country that is actually economically viable.”