Recent results of Mayor's new plan

By Hardy Astrom

Byron Brown’s Snow Removal Plan was met with icy glares and lukewarm response from council members last week.  In an effort to stem the blizzard of criticism he’s received in the days since unveiling the plan, the mayor hopes further explanation of the original plan and fresh ideas are met with approval.

The mayor held a press conference in the Removal Plan’s new Command Center in Raleigh, North Carolina.  “Here at the Command Center we can address the problems a winter storm can bring without losing valuable time trying to navigate the dangerous streets of Buffalo”, the mayor said.  “You can see then, how the GPS system, while very expensive, is necessary to help us to find the accumulating snow from a safe distance.”  Brown explained that swirling snow poses a significant problem for city plow drivers.  “It’s all over the place.  We need satellite assistance to determine where the snow finally lands, and then direct our drivers accordingly.  From here in Raleigh”.

Mayor announces new snow removal plan outside Raleigh Command Center

Brown also clarified these debatable points in his original plan:

–Utilize personnel from other departments to aide in the removal of snow.

“We have folks from the Arts Commission who just found their new medium.  I’d like to think the Michelangelo of snow sculpture is right here in Buffalo.  Well, right there in Buffalo.”

–Implement corporate emergency access system.

“Our white collar, corporate workers need a clear and dry route to do their important work on their mahogany desks.  So part of the city’s strategic plan would be to make sure the suburbs are plowed first so these folks can get to work.”

–Adjust alternate parking regulations.

“In the future, cars would need to be moved every 7 minutes.  Illegally parked cars would be towed at the owner’s expense, and fines would be taxed and used to improve the Command Center’s air-conditioning system, so we might better meet the snow removal needs in the city of Buffalo, which I hear is having a hell of a time with snow right now”.

Brown also introduced a few additions to his original plan.

**Replace asphalt with salt.

“Our streets are costing us millions to maintain due to the damage that rickety, jagged plows and salt unleash every winter.  Replacing the asphalt with streets of salt will allow us to watch snow melt as soon as it hits, and to repair streets with something we all have on our kitchen table.”  When questioned on the ecological impact the salt would have on Lake Erie, Brown saw another opportunity.  “In a few short years we could be talking about Erie Ocean.  The quaint little seaside city of Buffalo has a nice little ring to it.”

First shipment of experimental Asph-salt road material is unloaded

**Designate all vehicles as illegal assault weapons.

“Within the context of vehicular manslaughter, every car owner is technically carrying a poorly concealed weapon.  If we can get these weapons off the streets, our plow drivers will have little difficulty clearing the streets for increased foot traffic.”

Brown is expected back at City Hall in April to further discuss snow removal strategies.