By Frank Brutus

Buffalo native Newell Nussbaumer was apprehended in Los Angeles yesterday after he and his dog, Censor, went on a cross-country killing and vandalism spree that authorities are calling “one of the most violent and cold-blooded attempts to undermine every major newspaper in America” that they have ever seen.

The founder and editor of BuffaloRising.com, a hard-hitting online newsmagazine that features unbiased restaurant reviews and stories written by reporters who ask the tough questions, Nussbaumer was observed by LAPD officer Frank Poncharello placing stickers on Los Angeles Times newspaper boxes that said “Why Waste Your $ On The LA Times When You Can Get All Of Your Real News For Free At BuffaloRising.com?”  Witnesses say that when Poncharello asked Nussbaumer what he was doing, the haggard-looking assailant pulled out a Magnum .357 and pointed it at the officer, shouting, “I’m saving the world from bad journalism!”  Before Nussbaumer had time to fire his gun, Poncharello’s partner, 32-year LAPD veteran Theo Kojak, wrestled the suspect violently to the ground and subdued him.

Officers responding to the scene were horrified to discover 7 dead bodies stuffed into the trunk of Nussbaumer’s Chevrolet Cracker.  Six of the victims were managing editors of prominent U.S. newspapers and the seventh body was identified as Geoffrey Kelly, a contributor to a little-known weekly alternative newspaper in Buffalo called ArtVoice.  Also recovered were thousands of BuffaloRising.com stickers that police say Nussbaumer planned to affix to “every paper box from New York to San Francisco” in hopes of increasing the web traffic to his hard-hitting on-line news site that Nussbaumer had claimed receives “over 1 million hits per day” in literature distributed to his advertisers.

The family of slain New York Times managing editor Jill Abramson, one of the first of Nussbaumer’s victims, issued a statement calling Nussbaumer “a coward who, because he couldn’t stand well-written and concise articles that competed with his own skewed world-view, has stolen our beloved Jill from us and from the rest of the world.”

As of late this morning, authorities in Los Angeles were still trying to determine why Buffalo native Kelly was included as a target on Nussbaumer’s list of prominent American editors.