City “totally forgot” retailers request to leave Memorial Auditorium standing.

By Hardy Astrom

Bass Pro and City of Buffalo officials were equally stunned on Friday when Bass Pro construction crews arrived at 140 Main Street with blueprints in-hand, ready to renovate Buffalo’s beloved Memorial Auditorium.  They came expecting a hero’s welcome.  Instead, they were greeted with a scene of mass destruction.

In what Mayor Brown’s office is calling a “minor oversight with somewhat larger implications,” the City approved the demolition of the Aud, even though Bass Pro had full intentions of using the beloved structure as a home for their retail outlet.

Rocco Distillo, a spokesman for Bass Pro, was dumbfounded.  “The last conversation we had with the Mayor’s office was to confirm a start date on the re-do,” said Distillo.  “Today’s the day, our crew is here to work.  But it looks like the City hired Al-Qaeda to do this job instead.”

Mayor Brown offered a weak explanation for the mistake.  “You have to understand that there is a hierarchy of approval here, a set of checks and balances and layers of…”  Brown momentarily trailed off.  After several minutes, he went on, his voice cracking with anxiety.  “I forgot,” he whispered feebly.

Bass Pro Officials Had Hoped To Preserve Aud

A cursory look at the site convinced Distillo that there was no salvaging the plan.  “I can only describe the work that has been done on this site as demolition with extreme malice,” he said bluntly.  Distillo added that the destruction done to the Aud amounts to “self-mutilation.”

Brown admitted that he now remembers his discussions with Bass Pro about using the existing Aud building.  “I had been trying to get a commitment from Bass Pro for months.  When I read this proposal the first time I honestly thought they were teasing me.  They’ve teased me so much.”

He also stated that he was “super busy” sifting through waterfront proposals from James Pitts.  “He wanted to dye the Inner Harbor brown and set up ‘The Willie Wonkalo Hotel & Theme Park’.  It was going to be a chocolate-themed attraction.”

Representatives at Bass Pro headquarters were quick to respond.  “This deal’s off,” said Mike Kelly, head of Bass Pro’s expansion operations.  “From the outset our relationship with Buffalo has been shaky.  This ship has sunk.”

Mayor Brown scrambled to shore up some optimism.  “I’ll be putting together a committee of fishermen and carnival workers to see if we can spearhead our own outdoor retail center.”

In a phone interview with reporters, James Pitts announced that a press conference will be held later this week to introduce several initial plans for the site.  “You see a pile of rubble, and I see a heap of opportunity.  You see thousands of memories reduced to dust, and I see a load of fun.”  Pitts revealed what he called his most exciting idea:  “Heaps & Piles Playplace.”