“We just don’t have anything in common anymore”

Hardy Astrom

In a move that only some would find surprising, two thriving areas within city limits have asked to leave. Citing differences in “economic trends, urban planning, political philosophy, and opinion,” Elmwood Village and Hertel Avenue (between Delaware and Parkside) filed legal paperwork that would allow them to withdraw from the City of Buffalo.

Kathleen Stiffler, spokeswoman for ‘Elmwoodtopia,’ explained why the group she represents would like to move on. “It’s not that we think we’re better than the city of Buffalo. We believe in Buffalo and its potential, and we are grateful for its rich history. We just think the City of Buffalo is less good than we are in several key areas.”

According to research presented by Stiffler, those key areas include economic viability, cultural depth, social outreach, cleanliness, racial tolerance, the coffee experience, commercial diversity, small business development, religious harmony, summer babe hotness, and “everything else.”

Byron Brown, current mayor of the City of Buffalo, fired off an immediate response to the claims. “Ms. Stiffler is wrong on many counts. Our downtown business babes are a delight. Many areas in our fine city are home to Starbucks and Tim Horton’s coffee houses.” He appeared especially angered at Stiffler’s claim of greater racial tolerance. “To say that the City of Buffalo is racist is like saying all Polish people are stupid. In many cases that’s simply not true.” Brown dismisses the research as unsubstantiated. “And by presenting it,” Brown said, “Ms. Stiffler proves herself to be a stupid white lesbian.”

James Gnozzo, President of ‘Hertalia,’ was more direct with his group’s reasons for claiming independence. “Buffalo sucks. For most of the residents of Hertalia there is no reason to leave. If we run into a shortage of gorgeous women who are attracted to arrogance, we’ll just go downtown and take ‘em.”

Brown failed to see any reason for secession. “That’s pretty much what they do anyway isn’t it?”

Both Stiffler and Gnozzo stated that theirs would be an open community.
“It’s not like we’d become a gated community,” Stiffler said. “Though there would be armed guards at the perimeter.”

Brown did say that he was open to negotiations that might produce an appealing scenario for all groups involved. “If Hertalia takes Riverside and Blackrock, and Elmwoodtopia agrees to include the lower West Side in its charter, than I think we might be able to come to an agreement.” Gnozzo was unimpressed with the mayor’s addendum to his original plan. “That’s like going on vacation and packing a suitcase full of crap. It’s not going to happen.”

Stiffler was less blunt. “Elmwoodtopia would love to include an area as diverse and exciting as the lower West Side. But residents of Elmwoodtopia would have to relieve themselves of weapons in our ‘Guns-For-Pastels’ art based exchange program. And all drugs that aren’t a shade of green would be collected and burned in a cleansing ceremony. We’d also ask that children under the age of 7 be fully clothed and off of Elmwoodtopia streets by 11 pm. Ten if it’s a school night.”

Brown continued to challenge both spokespeople. “How about lakeness? How’s your lakeness, folks?”