By Rug Burner

Ruse Washington Correspondent

A King is crowned.

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter shocked the beltway, the nation and the world this week when he announced his defection from the Republican Party.

“I know that this decision will disappoint some of my constituents,” said Specter, the top ranking Senator from Pennsylvania who was swept into office along with President Ronald Reagan in 1980, “but as I near the end of my long and illustrious political career I just want the same thing that every single gangsta rapper in the United States wants and that is to get paid.”

Democrats, who stand to gain a possible filibuster-proof majority in the Senate and already control the House and the Presidency, lured Specter to their party by offering him lifetime season tickets to the Philadelphia Eagles as well as total control over the state of Wyoming.

Moments before Specter’s shocking Tuesday announcement made it official, President Barack Obama emerged from a White House meeting among Washington’s political elite to announce that he had signed off on legislation giving Specter the title “King of Wyoming.”

“This is no time for celebration,” said Obama, flanked on either side by pom-pom waving cheerleaders who sported jerseys emblazoned with the number “60″ on the front and “Fili-Bust-This!” on the back.

“My sole focus is to deal with the serious problems that I inherited from my predecessor and I look forward to working with Senator Specter no matter what his political affiliation,” said the President, who noted that Wyoming has supported just two democratic presidential candidates for president since 1952 and was deemed “expendable” by his top advisors.

“I have no problem with anyone who hails from the great state of Wyoming and who must, as of today, refer to Senator Specter as ‘My liege’ or face criminal prosecution and imprisonment at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,” said Obama, who would neither confirm or deny reports that half of the state could become a repository for the nation’s spent nuclear fuel cells.

Specter announced that his first two acts as King would be to permanently banish former Vice President and current Wyoming resident Dick Cheney to the Black Hills followed by the forced integration of Wyoming Public Schools with “normal people.”

Porcine appearance is tell-tale symptom

By Wad Rotson

Erie County Health Department officials grimly announced yesterday that Buffalo had its first confirmed cases of the swine flu.

Swine flu victim.

“Just look around and you’ll see the victims everywhere,” said Health Department Commissioner Anthony Billittier.  “They’re pouring out of area Tim Horton’s, Louie’s Hot Dogs and the Anchor Bar at epidemic rates. The symptoms are consistent: excessively large behinds, multiple chins and fat deposits that basically protrude from nearly every orifice of the victim’s body.”

Billittier explained that the virus is called the swine flu because victims spend years satisfying the urge to gorge themselves on high-calorie meals to the point where they physically resemble pigs.

“Swine flu is highly contagious and spreads through the sharing of milkshakes, nacho cheese and 1/2-pound burgers from Gabriel’s Gate,” warned the Commissioner.

Billittier said that WNY has actually suffered from the swine flu for over 57 years but that his department kept a “lid on the problem,” fearing negative publicity for the Queen City.

“I’m actually thrilled that the current outbreak came from Mexico,” said Billittier, who explained that Buffalo’s version of the swine flu is a little different from Mexico’s in that years of joblessness and apathy preceded the onset of the flu in Mexican victims.

Another victim.

“In Buffalo, the victims were able to hold down minimum wage jobs for years while they quadrupled in size after the initial infection set in.”

Billittier announced that the only cure for swine flu is to “take a look in the mirror and decide if you can stand your disgusting appearance for even one more second.”

By Caroline Hack

Editor’s Note: Caroline Hack has been removed from her position as our advice columnist. Ms. Hack inadvertently advised a 9-year-old boy to “bash in” the legs of a classmate with a “baseball bat.” While we stand by Ms. Hack’s out-of-the-box approach to problem solving, we have been advised that Ms. Hack is “on probation” and is not legally free to “interact” with people in an advisory position. Ms. Hack recently completed Anti-Social Rehabilitation and has recently been named our “City Watch” editor. She will be reporting her unique observations of the people and places that make up our fine city in a column called “Hack Saw.”

I walked out of Bry-Lin Hospital after twenty-eight days of electroshock therapy treatment and had three things on my mind:  1. Sparks, 2. I kind of like the look of having shaved temples, and 3. if my car doesn’t start, I’m taking the one next to it.

I was pissed when my car started but I’m supposed to be practicing ways to tolerate intolerable people so I took it down to Spot Coffee on Elmwood. This worked out well because on my way, my editor (and the probable father of a kid I gave up for adoption), Murray Lite, called me on my cell and told me I wasn’t writing advice columnist anymore.

Whatever.

Now my job is to “creep around the city and tell us what you see. And don’t get arrested.”

Possible.

So I get down to Spot, hand over $3 to a homeless lady and am happy to see that it appears to be “Lesbian Night” at Spot.The place was crawling with them, so I settled into a chair that smelled like my grandfather’s back pocket and started to look for a low-browed girl with thick legs.

I didn’t find one but I did learn this: a ‘virgin mocha’ does not refer to an inexperienced black chick, ‘on wheels’ doesn’t refer to someone on crystal meth, and neck tattoos don’t go with acne.

I got distracted by the woman many people call ‘Screamin’ Jean,’ a lady who carries bags up and down Elmwood and talks to herself. She was lurking at the entrance by the patio and staring at me. She approached and I was about to punch her in the neck when she offered me money. It occurred to me that I must look worse than I thought if Screamin’ Jean is giving me money, but she explained that I had given her the handout outside and that she didn’t need it.

She smelled like rancid onions but I grabbed the money back instead of suggesting soap. She had her chance.

Because she reminded me of my mother before things went bad, I ended up at that little hot dog place on Elmwood with Jean for a late dinner of fries with salt and pepper. I learned a lot more about Jean than I learned about myself after my high voltage staycation in rehab.

Jean has experienced loss that does not allow her to move on. She hears too many voices and can’t filter out the ones that work against her. Jean is proud of a lot of her history, but is angry and bitter about the rest. Her family is mostly gone, and she misses her sister very much. And Jean wanted me to take to her Canada, to the only friend she has who understands.

Then it occurred to me: Screamin’ Jean IS Buffalo New York.

Stuck for the voices that argue in her head and keep her who she is. Stuck because the past is gone and the damage is done. Stuck because her loved ones have moved on and they haven’t looked back. Stuck for what is not, and unable to use what is. Stuck for all of the people who pass her by and can’t take the time to listen for one goddamn minute, as if her appearance isn’t enough of a cry for help.

And all things considered, she’d rather be in Canada.

Jean is not screaming, she’s just trying to work things out. And from where I sit, she does it with a lot more grace than the people you voted for.

So next time you see her, don’t be an asshole: give her what she needs and ask her if she wants to share some fries.

By Ronn Chesmonde
In an emotional plea to the Hamburg town board, Eric Chmiel demanded recognition for his “God-given right as an American to swim this summer in the [expletive deleted]-strewn waters of Lake Erie near Woodlawn Beach.”

Chmiel addresses Town Board

Applause erupted as Chmiel spoke from the public podium and a number of town board members could be seen nervously discussing the Woodlawn resident’s request.

“We’ve never had a resident invoke his rights as an American so eloquently in a matter as contentious as this,” said Hamburg Town Supervisor Jennifer Thompson.

Chmiel, who was born and raised in Woodlawn, said that swimming in human feces and raw sewage is “second nature” to him and all the other residents who have grown up in the shadow of the Sewage Treatment plant adjacent to the beach.

“It wouldn’t be Woodlawn Beach if it didn’t smell like crap,” he insisted, adding that if he wanted to swim in “[expletive deleted]-free water, I’d drive to Canada.”

Woodlawn Beach is closed 95% of the time during the summer months due to what the Health Department claims are “unsafe levels of inorganic waste” that permeate the water.

“I’ve got the best dried corn collection in the Southtowns thanks to what washes up on that shore after a good storm,” claimed Chmiel, who noted that he has been depressed ever since the pedestrian bridge to the Ford plant was demolished two months ago.

“Please.  I’m begging you,” he said.  “Leave us in peace to enjoy our feces-infested Woodlawn Beach.”

By Wad Rotson

Dick Kessel: "Blow me."

New York State Power Authority Richard “Big Dick” Kessel made a dramatic appearance yesterday on Buffalo’s breezy waterfront to tout his proposal for the construction of a massive “wind farm” on the shore of Lake Erie that would generate billions of dollars in revenue for the bloated Authority that he oversees.

Kessel, who asked an aide to remind him exactly what part of New York he was in before he began to speak, thanked “whoever your Mayor is” before he launched into the “simply brilliant” plan he has crafted in his spare time at the Power Authority’s private country club in lower Manhattan.

“We will construct the massive turbines with tax dollars generated by the citizens of this proud village,” said Kessel.  “The hot air that blows across this large body of water behind me in July and August will be converted into electricity, which will be redirected downstate in order to power popular New York City attractions like Times Square and the Empire State Building floodlights.”

Kessel proudly added that not all of the electricity will leave Buffalo.  “The slot machines at the proposed Buffalo Creek Casino will be powered by the wind farm,” he noted proudly, “which should add extra incentive for the world’s Seneca Indians, electrical engineers and Don Quixote fans to bypass Las Vegas and head directly to this thriving hamlet instead.”

Mayor Byron Brown, who planned to publicly thank the Power Authority chairman for visiting Buffalo, was violently tackled and handcuffed by Kessel’s security detail when he approached the podium without “the proper identification badge,” according to Kessel spokesperson Alicia Campbell.

Kessel, who appeared unhurt, was rushed to Millard Fillmore Suburban Hospital as a precaution.

At least this politician admits to having brain damage

By Frank Brutus

Buffalo boxer “Baby” Joe Mesi knows what it’s like to be punched repeatedly in the face, head and neck area.

Mesi: loves built-in sharpener.

That’s why the boxer-turned politician is so excited about his new job as the man in charge of the State Democratic Majority Leader’s upstate office, located in downtown Buffalo.

Mesi, who retired from boxing three years ago after violent punches to his head caused bleeding on his brain, spoke to reporters from the steps of Buffalo’s City Hall yesterday.

“I like crayons,” said Mesi.

Mesi, a Democrat, was unsuccessful in his bid last year for the State Senate seat now held by Republican Michael Ranzenhofer.

Some criticized Mesi’s preparation for that failed campaign when he spoke almost exclusively about “pictures of the big boats” that frequented Buffalo’s harbor in its grain-milling heyday.

During the mid-afternoon press conference Mesi, whose boxing and political careers have both been expertly managed by his father, focused on the high regard he has for crayons of all shapes and sizes.

“Purple ones are my favorite,” said the undefeated pugilist who graduated from Sweet Home High School.

But Mesi the political-appointee has not lost the moves he formerly demonstrated as a practitioner of the sweet science.  Bobbing and weaving around a reporter’s question about his qualifications to run an upstate political office where he will be in charge of ten full-time employees, Mesi instead rattled off a list of other things that he likes besides crayons.

“I like shoe polish.  And carrots.”

The press conference ended prematurely when Mesi, pointing to the sun that had suddenly emerged from behind the billowing clouds above Lake Erie, ran from the steps of City Hall screaming “Fire!”

‘Yes’ To Slaughterhouses, ‘No’ to Urban Farming, ‘Probably’ to Strip Mining.

By Hardy Astrom and Frank Brutus

Mayor: "Dig this."

Answering questions from his Tampa Bay ‘Situation Room,’ Brown defended recent decisions that have left many of the city’s citizens dumbfounded.

“It’s really a matter of zoning laws,” he said. “Citizens are not free to engage in the seeding of Buffalo soil. You can cultivate, you can harvest, you just can’t seed. You could, however, slit the throat of a cow, for meat processing or for sport.” Brown referenced the zoning law, which he found in City Hall Archives.

“A gentleman by the name of Griffin put it on the books in the 1980’s,” Brown chuckled. The law apparently was put into place to discourage citizens who grew rutabaga, a vegetable the late Jimmy Griffin despised. The Ruse investigated the legitimacy of the claim, and found a quote from Griffin at the signing of the zoning law.

“They smell like the south end of a north bound goat.” Griffin said. “They won’t be growing in my town.” The same day, Griffin also signed a law limiting artworks commissioned by the City to shapes that, “don’t resemble a honeymoon do-jigger.”

“Strange but true,” said Brown. “So my hands are tied in this regard, but like my friend Larry Quinn over at HSBC taught me, you don’t go changing things just because you’re mired in mediocrity. You work within the system, and you hope for something magical to happen.”

And according to Brown, that magic might be right under our feet.

“We hope to begin excavating vacant lots throughout the city, to harvest the resources we have been ignoring for centuries.” Brown said the City’s strip mining potential was brought to his attention by Councilman Brian Davis, who recently returned from a Back to Work seminar in Zimbabwe.

“Mr. Davis saw thousands of citizens who had previously been unemployed, working diligently under the supervision of diamond surveyors.” the Mayor said. “Young and old, many of them handicapped and amputees, all of them, working.”

Brown said that while Buffalo can’t boast gems like diamonds, there are other possibilities.

“There’s definitely rock. At least I hit many when I garden.” Brown added that gypsum was once mined in the area, and that he wouldn’t mind a surprise or two.

“You won’t catch me complaining if we happen across a little bling or gypsum.”

Davis concurred. “I’d give my right hand for a little of what they were digging up in Africa. That’s a lucky group of worker bees.”

Quinn announces other changes

By Lucky Geason
RUSE SPORTS REPORTER

This past week was spent learning about Darcy Regier and Lindy Ruff.

Larry Quinn and his fellow owners of the Buffalo Sabres already know some things about them but found out they don’t know everything. Regier and Ruff have been with the team since 1997. Quinn wanted to know what makes them tick, what keeps them motivated, what gets their juices flowing and do they still have the fire within to once again bring the Sabres to the brink of the playoffs.

-I am a Greatness

“We found out quite a bit about both of them, things we never discovered even after knowing them for 12 years,” said Quinn. “For instance, we never knew that Lindy cuts his own hair, enjoys competitive kite flying and makes his own shoes. Darcy enjoys painting still life images of his feet and has the world’s largest collection of sock garter belts.  I have a new found respect for these two individuals,” he said.

Quinn said that he has confidence in the duo and even offers his help every day whether it’s asked for or not. “Darcy had a problem with the lock on his office door, it was always locked when he was in there.  I had the door knob removed so I can visit him at will.”

When asked about lagging ticket sales Quinn announced that the team will be following the Bills lead and will play at least 2 games in Toronto next year. “We know that there are some fans of professional hockey in the greater Toronto area and we would like to expand our reach by playing at least 2 games there next year.”

He also announced the team will be re-naming the HSBC Arena to ‘Larry Quinn Rink.’

Quinn announced more changes including:
• Ronan Tynan will be joined by Susan Boyle for a series of national anthem duets dubbed ‘Ronan and the Barbarian’.
• The ‘Kiss-Cam’ will be replaced by the ‘Heavy-Petting-and-Groping-Cam.’
• Beer will be sold by the gallon.
• Conehead the beer vendor will be replaced by Skinhead the White Supremacist.
• Every Friday will be Larry Quinn night: fans will receive an autographed picture of Quinn along with a lock of his hair.
• Tuesday’s will be Rene Robert Piñata night.

Quinn also said he would be making all hockey personnel decisions and will continue to fit all players for protective cups.

Buffalo Also Gets “Satisfaction Of Not Dealing Anymore With Peters’

By Jerry Mulligan

The Buffalo Bills announced moments ago that they have traded left tackle Jason Peters to the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Bills were forced to throw in a 1st round 2010 draft pick at the last minute when General Manager Marv Levy hit what he described as “the mother of all roadblocks in trying to move Peters out of Buffalo.”

In return, the Bills receive nothing from Philadelphia except “the sweet satisfaction of knowing we don’t have to deal with the hassle of trying to ink Peters to a complicated and legalistic contract to play in Buffalo,” said Levy.  “To seal the deal, the Eagles did send me a beautiful colostomy bag with my initials engraved in gold lettering on the side.”

“We think we came out way ahead today,” added Levy, the former coach of the Bills and the league’s only octogenarian who can claim the title of NFL General Manager.

“Philly doesn’t know what they just got themselves into,” lamented Levy.  “When I was younger, players would sign with a team by shaking hands with the manager,” he said tearfully.  “The game of football was played for pride and honor, not for money, for bling or to impress the ladies who saunter around the sidelines like retarded gypsy moths hovering around an open flame.”

A doddering Levy mumbled as he began to doze off, “Today’s NFL contracts have so many confusing words and clauses that I just doesn’t understand them anymore.”

Economic Czar Sought Cheap Labor To Offset Expanding Healthcare, Retirement Costs

By Ronn Chesmonde

In a shocking investigative report that you’ll read only in The Buffalo Ruse, City of Buffalo economic development officials used federal grant money intended for the prevention of poverty to purchase 120 enslaved teenage “relief workers” from Kazakhstan.

Kazakh slaves arrive in Depew.

“On paper this seemed like a good idea,” said Brian Reilly, Buffalo’s czar of Economic Development.  “Obviously, it turns out not to have been so great once the plan was put into action.”

Looking to improve efficiency in all levels of city government, Reilly bought the enslaved Kazakhs by placing what turned out to be the winning bid for their services on the website www.cheaplabor.org.

In a pilot program that Reilly designed, the majority of the displaced teenagers were to be deployed as affordable replacements for Buffalo’s worst public school teachers, its aging NFTA bus drivers and the city’s least competent police and fire officials.

“No health care costs, no pensions and, thanks to all of the vacant property on the East Side, extremely low overhead in terms of housing the slaves,” said Reilly.  “I thought I had found the panacea to all of Buffalo’s ills.”

What Reilly found, however, was much more than he bargained for.

“I don’t care what line of work you’re in: you take 120 teenagers from Eastern Europe who have been entered into a life of servitude and try to tell them what their expected duties will be after they’ve arrived in Buffalo…I’ll just say that not all of them were thrilled to be here,” said Reilly, who lamented the fact that raising children of his own did not adequately prepare him for the hostility he faced when he met the slaves at the Amtrak station in Depew last Friday.

“I think we were close to making this work,” said Reilly.  “It all came down to a few bad apples who ruined it for the majority of the slaves who were excited to see how far Buffalo has come with its waterfront development,” said Reilly.

Mayor Byron Brown was quick to point out that the enslaved workers were not “chained, beaten or coerced physically” before being brought to Buffalo.  “Make no mistake,” said the Mayor.  “The modern slave trade is much more humane than the legacy of inhuman suffering that permeated the pre-Civil War era of the United States.”

Mayor Brown admitted that he freed the Kazakhs “immediately after being contacted by officials in the Justice Department who informed me that slavery is not a permissible use of the anti-poverty funds generated by the federal government.”

The Kazakh teenagers have been placed in the custody of the Erie County Department of Social Services and have each been assigned a legal guardian, deluxe accommodations at the Mansion on Delaware and unlimited use of mid-size Chevrolets, courtesy of Billy Fucillo.