Says proposal would discriminate against unpopular, inefficient legislators like herself

By Wad Rotson

Erie County Legislator Betty Jean Grant came out swinging yesterday at a news conference designed to block support for a proposal that would allow voters the opportunity to reduce the Legislature from fifteen members to eleven.

Grant: "Huh?"

“I actually think we need more legislators,” said Grant.

She asked those in the audience to imagine how they would feel “if your job was in the hands of ignorant and uninformed voters who have no idea what I have done for them over the years.”

Grant, referring to her previous election-day losses on both Buffalo’s Common Council and the School Board said she doesn’t need a “third opportunity” for voters to prove to her that “they don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to electing officials to lead them.”

Grant says that the frustration she hears from her constituents indicates they will “downsize anything” if they think it will lower their taxes.  Grant is working on her own ballot initiative for November that asks voters to downsize something other than the Legislature, where she has been employed since 2006.

“Downsize the DMV,” said Grant.  “Or the Holding Center.  Let someone else besides me get voted out of their job for once.”

Grant explained that asking the voters to downsize the Legislature should be illegal because “in reality they are being forced to discriminate against people like me.”  The former operator of an East Side delicatessen, Grant maintained that she is strongly opposed to “discrimination of any kind against Betty Jean Grant and everyone else who is segregated from their elected positions by uneducated voters.”

She said the electorate deserves some credit, however.

“I think Americans have already had their say on discrimination and segregation,” said Grant.  “Which is why I should never be voted out of this office.  It should be considered an illegal act.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, Grant tried to lead her interns in a chant of “Attica, Attica” before realizing that most of them were too young to know what she was referring to.

By Jerry Mulligan

I play in a 9-hole golf league every week at a local public course in Grand Island and have met some interesting characters over the years.

Get there.

It is the oldest golf league still running in WNY, having been founded sometime in the late 60’s. It’s primarily a men’s league although the bylaws (a book the size of a Websters dictionary) state that it is open to everyone.

All participants must play from the men’s tees so if women want to play they must tee off about 100 yards back from the typical women’s tee.  You would think this would discourage women from playing.  However, we have 2 women in the league this year: one resembles Herman Munster and the other looks like Elton John on steroids.

The first week about 8 groups of us were on the tee watching the two women tee off - we all assumed they were decent golfers as they would be playing with the men.

We were wrong.  Horribly wrong.

Elton hit her 4th shot from the parking lot while Herman was still searching for her ball. Needless to say, we teed off at 5:30pm and finished in time to catch Jay Leno.

The players come from manufacturing and industrial companies in Western New York and we have some interesting players - I’ll do my best to describe some of them:

Buddy Lee - wears jeans every week no matter how hot or cold it is.

Master Thespian - Unaccomplished actor by night, crappy golfer by day. Very demonstrative after every shot, throws clubs in disgust and talks to himself.  Smokes a pipe. Enjoys the company of men.

Spruce Bruce - Very large man, walks slower than a Prime Rib moving through my lower intestine.

Angry Bob - Swell guy until his game goes south, when turns into a swearing, crusty, ‘Get out of my line’ hothead.

Mr. Friendly - Says hello to everyone, always smiling. Makes a point of using your name 3 times in a 4 second conversation: “Nice day Mike, how did you do Mike?…”

Mr. Serious Golfer - Holds his stance for 12 seconds after every slightly better than average shot. Thinks he’s close to making the tour.

The Janitor - Wears his keys on his belt loop like Schneider from One Day at a Time.

Joe Pipes - Wears a shirt 2 sizes too small: Sun’s out, Gun’s out.

Mr. Rulebook - knows all the rules but somehow none of them apply to him.

When we finish golfing, we sojourn to a little hole in the wall that should have been condemned the day after it opened. The beer is cold and so are the wings.

The finishing touch is the next morning - the food has completed its fermenting stage in my stomach - I could go through a keyhole from 50 paces.

By Frank Brutus

An embarrassed Erie County Fiscal Stability Authority apologized profusely tonight after going soft following four consecutive years of rock solid performance.

For Collins, soft-on = big bucks.

“This has never happened to me before,” said the ashamed Control Board before hurrying into the bathroom and closing the door.

Numerous attempts to get the Control Board to come out of the bathroom were unsuccessful.

Ron Churchill, a medical doctor employed at ECMC, said that it is not unusual for Control Boards to experience softness as they mature.  “Four years is a long time to remain hard,” said Churchill.  “A Control Board that remains hard for longer than that may actually cause more problems than one that starts to get soft.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

None of Churchill’s words made the Control Board feel any better and it continued to fret to itself in the bathroom.  “Maybe it’s the allergy medication I started taking recently,” it wondered.  “Or the longer hours I have been keeping since Collins got elected?”

Erie County Executive Chris Collins was expected to hold a press conference to gloat about the failure of the Control Board to remain hard.  Collins famously promised in his campaign for County Executive that he would take a monthly salary of $1 for as long as the Control Board remained hard.

Said an aide to Collins, “It’s not often that a failure to maintain hardness ends up earning a politician more than $100,000.”

Comment overheard in cafeteria leads to 770 counts of attempted murder

By Frank Brutus

Telling her sister she “hated” her.  Not letting a classmate sit beside her in the cafeteria.  Pushing, shoving and skipping in the line at dismissal.  Talking back once to her art teacher.

Chief: "We need more body bags."

These are just some of the so-called “gateway” behaviors that Town of Tonawanda Police Chief William K. Charmin says were ignored by Tonawanda Middle School officials, where a 10-year-old was charged yesterday with 770 counts of attempted murder after she was overheard telling a classmate during lunch that she wished “a tornado would come and destroy this stupid school.”

This incident follows Thursday’s domestic terror charges lodged against an 11-year-old who compiled a “hit list” on a school computer.

Chief Charmin, standing beside Tonawanda Middle School Principal Del Griffith at a grim afternoon press briefing, called the cases “some of the most shocking examples of immaturity and thoughtlessness that I have seen in my thirty-two years on the force.”

“Let me put this in bold terms,” said Charmin.  “Our Police Department has about 10 body bags at our disposal.  If this 5th grader’s wishes were carried out, we’d have been looking for almost 760 more bags from neighboring police agencies to deal with all the victims.”

“Kids are not the same today as when I was growing up,” lamented Charmin, who used an abacus when he was in school and still struggles to find the power button that activates his Dell computer at Police Headquarters.  “Today’s kids are violent, self-centered, insolent and rude.  I think we prevented a true tragedy at the Middle School by acting as swiftly as we did to apprehend these violent students.”

The Chief, who learned about his Department-issued cell phone’s ability to send a text message at a staff development meeting last month, set up a series of “sting operations” in January after Principal Griffith called to alert him that “a lot” of Middle School students were being observed by teachers and cafeteria monitors as acting “immature, mean and just plain nasty.”

According to a school official who requested to remain anonymous, the 10-year-old student, whose name is being withheld by police, has not yet  learned to harness the destructive power of tornadoes but police and school officials said they could not afford to wait any longer.

“It’s the same old story,” said the administrator.  “If the parents of these kids weren’t agitating and intellectually limited, we’d have been forced to find different scapegoats to send a message to our students that wishing for school-wide destruction and the death of your meanest teachers is not OK.”

Griffith, who has been a Principal at the Middle School since 1990, acknowledged that since the 770 attempted murder charges were placed against the student on Friday, “dozens and dozens” of classmates have come forward with additional reports of unacceptable behaviors exhibited by their peers.

“We have a problem brewing right under our noses and we need to find a way to deal with these issues,” said Griffith.  “When I was in middle school no one ever wished ill will toward their classmates or teachers.  We wished for the death and destruction of Russians and North Vietnamese instead.”

Griffith said that a school-wide assembly will be held Monday starring Jiggles the Clown to remind students about the importance of telling police about the inappropriate comments made by “weird, socially awkward kids before it’s too late and everyone in Tonawanda Middle School gets slaughtered.”

State Commission takes issue with escapes, assaults, torture, theme nights

By Ronn Chesmonde

Sheriff Timothy Howard announced yesterday that he is “rethinking” the way he has managed the Erie County Holding Center and vowed a “top to bottom” review of the “One Sigma” Quality Assurance Program that he implemented two years ago.

Commission: Sheriff's 'Tranny Night' Led To Violence.

His announcement follows yet another critical report issued by the State Corrections Commission that found the management of the Holding Center to be “completely devoid of competence, planning or supervisory ability at any level.”

The Commission also took exception to the Holding Center’s “Theme Nights” that Sheriff Howard implemented to “boost morale and help the inmates bond with the staff.”  One of the themes, ‘Dress Like A Tranny Night,’ was cited in the report as “contributing to forced acts of aggression between Holding Center inmates and staff.”

Howard defended himself against the allegations of incompetence.

“These critical reports are a small price to pay for my commendable attempt to save money for the taxpayers,” said Howard, referring to the “deep discounts” he received by utilizing a cheaper, more affordable version of Erie County Executive Chris Collins’ “Six Sigma” Management program.

Howard wouldn’t comment on the criticism of the Theme Night program, other than to ask “What guy doesn’t like to dress up like a woman every once in a while?”

Under Howard’s implementation of “One Sigma” at the Holding Center, inmates were left guessing about meal times, showers were turned off to conserve water and visits from relatives were approved only if prisoners agreed to participate in a talent show called “Sheriff Howard Presents Dancing With The Cons.”

According to the Sheriff, running the Holding Center “like an inmate’s worst nightmare” may be the best incentive for prisoners to make better decisions upon their release.

“Otherwise,” said Howard,  “the months or years they spend at the Holding Center feel more like a vacation.  And who wouldn’t like a vacation right about now?”

Brown To Citizens:  “Can you spell MISL?”

By Hardy Astrom

Though the City was left holding the tab for over $160,000 in bad loans to a local entrepreneur, Mayor Brown revealed that they aren’t shy to gamble with taxpayers money again.

“Buffalonians don’t give up,” a smiling Brown said at a press conference yesterday.  “They get up and fight again.  No matter how bad the beating, no matter how degrading the humiliation, how risky the potential for blunt force trauma or staph infections.  This is a message to the world, ‘Bring it on…we can take more!’”

May be. May be not.

More surprising than the Mayor’s optimism in the wake of such a misguided failure was the face of the next risk.  Joining him at the podium was former Buffalo Stallion goalie Jim May.

“I am very proud to announce that the City of Buffalo will manage the formation of the Major Indoor Soccer League!  And after an exhaustive search, the City of Buffalo has been chosen for the League’s headquarters!”  Brown held the hand of May and held it up high in victory.

“League offices will generate over 11 jobs, and though several of those will be filled through a national search, there will be close to 4 jobs that will go to local citizens,”  Brown said.  He added that the investment opportunity came up when he learned that the league went bankrupt in both 1992 and 2008.

“I spoke with Mr. May about the possibility of resurrecting the league when he told me such a league existed at one time, excuse me, two times.  It seemed too good to be true.”

The mayor added that by funneling funds from initiatives such as the federal anti-poverty plan and the WIC social service program, league offices could be operational by January, 2010.

The Mayor then introduced Jim May as the Commissioner of the league, and May immediately donned the jersey of the league’s first franchise:  The Buffalo Windows.

The team has secured sponsership from Pella Windows.

“The Buffalo Windows,” May declared, “promise to be a fast-paced, high-scoring and exciting team.  And like any window, somewhat reflective.”  May clarified, stating that the team, “will always look at what it can do to be competitive.”

Brown assured City residents that City Hall will be closely monitoring spending and expenses.

“Experienced management  is the key and we are looking at several individuals to run the Windows as a model of sports franchise success.”  Potential candidates include former NHL referee Bruce Hood, retired WNED donation consultant Goldie Gardner, and the late comedian Paul Lynd.

“Not Lynd, of course,” Brown said.  “The executor of his estate.”

The Windows uniform colors will be white and translucent with clear numbers.

By Frank Brutus

Mayoral hopeful Mickey Kearns took a break from his busy protest schedule this week to place a phone call to Yiu Zhao Fong, the mayor of Chongqing, one of China’s largest cities.

Coming soon to Buffalo?

With the assistance of a translator, Kearns described to Mayor Fong how sorry he was that China’s ‘Love Land Sex and Amusement Park’ had been torn down after opposition from the country’s conservative leaders.

He also surprised the mayor with an historic offer.

“We’ll pay you $100,000 American dollars to bring Love Land to downtown Buffalo,” Kearns told the Chongqing mayor, who appeared to have a difficult time understanding the South District Councilman and asked Kearns repeatedly if he was a “lerative of Wart Disney.”

Kearns took time to explain to Mayor Fong that his given name is actually Michael and that “Mickey” is what his friends call him.

Kearns, who noted that the Chinese would have to include free laborers to make the deal work, said he plans to ask the Common Council to direct the revenue from Mayor Brown’s Red Light Camera initiative to fund the relocation and operation of Love Land at Niagara Square.

“As everyone who listens to 103.3 The Edge knows already, I strongly oppose the Red Light cameras,” said Kearns, who will face Byron Brown in September’s primary and has touted his own Green Light camera initiative.  “But what I don’t oppose is using the exorbitant revenue that the City will earn from Red Light cameras to fund Love Land At Niagara Square, Buffalo’s first red-light-district theme park.”

Kearns, described Niagara Square as the “perfect place for Love Land because it already has the two biggest phallic symbols I’ve ever seen, the McKinley Monument and City Hall.”

Kearns added that he hopes to buy back Billy Lawless’ controversial “Green Lightning” sculpture from Chicago to add a “dancing doggie bones style” to Love Land’s sex-themed installations.  Said Kearns: “I think Buffalonians will appreciate the Sex Park as a healthy distraction from the pain and suffering they have endured under the misguided leadership of Byron Brown’s tyrannical rule over the last four years.”

Mayor Brown offered no comment on Kearns’ plan other than to say that he has personally seen phalluses “a lot bigger” than City Hall and the McKinley monument.

Mayor to replace Lukasiewicz with “Jay Walker Abatement Program”

By Wad Rotson

Mayor Byron Brown released a statement to the media yesterday saying that he has accepted the resignation of Corporation Council Alisa Lukasiewicz effective immediately.  The Mayor said that the departure of Lukasiewicz will not affect the day to day workings of Buffalo’s government “because our City no longer has any Corporations that need anyone’s counsel.”

"No regrets."

Lukasiewicz said that she is voluntarily leaving the Mayor’s team on good terms and that “the time is right for me to take advantage of new opportunities.”   Her only regret is that she “stayed on the sinking ship that is this Administration for as long as I did.  I hate everyone here.”   Aides to Lukasiewicz said that her working relationship with the Mayor quickly deteriorated after he pressured her to indict a snow storm that hit the city last January.

In a related cost-saving announcement, Brown said that he will use the $100,000 salary assigned to Lukasiewicz’s vacated position to fund a revolutionary “Jay Walker Abatement Program” that the Mayor claims “will make the city of Buffalo safer and at the same time will penalize jay walking pedestrians who needlessly risk their own lives and the lives of others by recklessly hurling themselves into busy streets at non-designated crossing areas.”

According to Brown, the fines generated by the Jay Walker Abatement Program will be used to build a Mayoral Command Fortress on Buffalo’s East Side that Deputy Mayor Steve Casey described as being “impenetrable on all sides.”

“The primary goal of my administration is to protect at all costs the safety of my visionary leadership, which is critical at this important time in the history of the City of Buffalo,” said Brown.  Added Casey, “The fortress will be impervious even to the Commercial Slip-generated stench that blankets the East Side after heavy rains.”

Mickey Kearns, the South District Councilman who will challenge Brown in the Mayoral primary this September, was sad to hear about the departure of Lukasiewicz.  “She was really, really, really smart,” said Kearns.  “Her ability to read complicated words and phrases was unmatched at City Hall.  She wrote stuff down.  She used words when she talked at meetings.  Alisa was the real deal.”

Kearns said that Brown’s plan to replace her with a revenue-producing jay-walking fine program is “stupid” and that even if the Mayor actually needed an impenetrable Command Fortress he should build it on “whatever side is the opposite of Buffalo’s East Side.”

By Rug Burner, Ruse Washington Correspondent

Tens of thousands of inner city gang members streamed out of the exits of the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone and other historic open spaces today after the United States Congress cleared the way for approval of a law allowing Americans to carry registered firearms into national parks.

NRA President Zenofobe "thrilled" with new gun law.

The gun amendment was hailed by National Rifle Association president Stephen Zenofobe.

“For the past fifty years jack-booted thugs have systematically terrorized innocent tourists who only wanted to get a glimpse of America’s most treasured real estate,” said Zenofobe.  “Today, Congress has turned the tables on these miscreants.  And as soon as President Obama signs this bill I predict that justice will be fired at the faces of these domestic criminals in the form of lead pellets, bird shot and rock salt.  True Americans are the real victors today.”

For decades, the nation’s park system was off limits to loaded firearms and, not surprisingly, had become the last bastion of mayhem and anarchy for the nation’s worst gang members and repeat criminal offenders.

Crips controlled most of the park territory in the Plains states while members of the Bloods and MS-13 shared an uneasy peace while targeting tourists in the National Parks of California, Utah and Oregon.

In recent years, unprovoked murders and muggings were almost hourly occurrences in the Grand Canyon village, where tourists would snap up all available body armor by 11 am at the Village’s Fred Harvey Gift Shop.

Crip member Sproule: heading North.

Jermaine Sproule, a Crip who had moved to the Grand Canyon from Los Angeles twelve years ago said this was a sad day for gang members across the country.  “Congress let me down today, dog.  If the Grand Canyon can’t be gun free then what’s left, yo?”

Sproule said he knows from experience that it is much more difficult to commit a strong-arm robbery when the victim has a handgun in his possession.  “The scar right here over my ear reminds me of that on a daily basis,” said Sproule, who described being shot by an elderly woman whose purse he was attempting to snatch when he was a teenager.  “That’s why I moved here, to what was until about five minutes ago a loaded-gun-free National Park.”

“I’ll probably have to mug people in Canada now,” said a dejected Sproule.

By Larry Flesler

-I’ve decided to get back into shape since adding about 70 pounds to my 4′ 6″ frame since retiring. I purchased a thigh master and a 2.5 lb. dumbbell, lookout ladies.

-My old pal Van and I are training for our first marathon. We get up at 7am and get moving at the Boulevard Mall with the other mall- walkers. I normally wear skin tight bike shorts while Van wears his trademark cut-off dungarees, work boots and white v-neck tee shirt. We do a few laps and then it’s off to Perkins for a Deli-Ham and Lotsa- Cheese Omelet.

-The Sabres signing of 6′ 8″ Tyler Myers is a good sign.  I wonder if his shaft is as big as Adam Creighton’s.

-I had my first french pedicure. I wasn’t sure if I’d like it but Van did a wonderful job, he has the hands of a slender lady and the demeanor of a trucker.

-I had an unusual experience while  purchasing a new pair of shoes last week at Sears.  The shoe salesman acted a little odd as he fitted me and actually threw up as he laced up the third pair I tried on. As I think back, my marble bag could have been hanging out of my track shorts.

-I had 3 ShamWow’s sewn into underwear. I can now drink 12 Dirty Martini’s without trekking to the Men’s room.

-I miss Lady Di.

-I lost my virginity at Disney World in 1989. I was with a fellow reporter who was known as a wanton trollop. We were enjoying the Country Bear Jamboree and things got a little randy.

-I like to lift weights in my driveway whenever my neighbor is out walking her dog. She can’t keep her eyes off my sweat glistened pipes.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Abe Vigoda, he was one of the good ones.