Mayor to replace Lukasiewicz with “Jay Walker Abatement Program”

By Wad Rotson

Mayor Byron Brown released a statement to the media yesterday saying that he has accepted the resignation of Corporation Council Alisa Lukasiewicz effective immediately.  The Mayor said that the departure of Lukasiewicz will not affect the day to day workings of Buffalo’s government “because our City no longer has any Corporations that need anyone’s counsel.”

"No regrets."

Lukasiewicz said that she is voluntarily leaving the Mayor’s team on good terms and that “the time is right for me to take advantage of new opportunities.”   Her only regret is that she “stayed on the sinking ship that is this Administration for as long as I did.  I hate everyone here.”   Aides to Lukasiewicz said that her working relationship with the Mayor quickly deteriorated after he pressured her to indict a snow storm that hit the city last January.

In a related cost-saving announcement, Brown said that he will use the $100,000 salary assigned to Lukasiewicz’s vacated position to fund a revolutionary “Jay Walker Abatement Program” that the Mayor claims “will make the city of Buffalo safer and at the same time will penalize jay walking pedestrians who needlessly risk their own lives and the lives of others by recklessly hurling themselves into busy streets at non-designated crossing areas.”

According to Brown, the fines generated by the Jay Walker Abatement Program will be used to build a Mayoral Command Fortress on Buffalo’s East Side that Deputy Mayor Steve Casey described as being “impenetrable on all sides.”

“The primary goal of my administration is to protect at all costs the safety of my visionary leadership, which is critical at this important time in the history of the City of Buffalo,” said Brown.  Added Casey, “The fortress will be impervious even to the Commercial Slip-generated stench that blankets the East Side after heavy rains.”

Mickey Kearns, the South District Councilman who will challenge Brown in the Mayoral primary this September, was sad to hear about the departure of Lukasiewicz.  “She was really, really, really smart,” said Kearns.  “Her ability to read complicated words and phrases was unmatched at City Hall.  She wrote stuff down.  She used words when she talked at meetings.  Alisa was the real deal.”

Kearns said that Brown’s plan to replace her with a revenue-producing jay-walking fine program is “stupid” and that even if the Mayor actually needed an impenetrable Command Fortress he should build it on “whatever side is the opposite of Buffalo’s East Side.”