By Jerry Mulligan

I play in a 9-hole golf league every week at a local public course in Grand Island and have met some interesting characters over the years.

Get there.

It is the oldest golf league still running in WNY, having been founded sometime in the late 60’s. It’s primarily a men’s league although the bylaws (a book the size of a Websters dictionary) state that it is open to everyone.

All participants must play from the men’s tees so if women want to play they must tee off about 100 yards back from the typical women’s tee.  You would think this would discourage women from playing.  However, we have 2 women in the league this year: one resembles Herman Munster and the other looks like Elton John on steroids.

The first week about 8 groups of us were on the tee watching the two women tee off - we all assumed they were decent golfers as they would be playing with the men.

We were wrong.  Horribly wrong.

Elton hit her 4th shot from the parking lot while Herman was still searching for her ball. Needless to say, we teed off at 5:30pm and finished in time to catch Jay Leno.

The players come from manufacturing and industrial companies in Western New York and we have some interesting players - I’ll do my best to describe some of them:

Buddy Lee - wears jeans every week no matter how hot or cold it is.

Master Thespian - Unaccomplished actor by night, crappy golfer by day. Very demonstrative after every shot, throws clubs in disgust and talks to himself.  Smokes a pipe. Enjoys the company of men.

Spruce Bruce - Very large man, walks slower than a Prime Rib moving through my lower intestine.

Angry Bob - Swell guy until his game goes south, when turns into a swearing, crusty, ‘Get out of my line’ hothead.

Mr. Friendly - Says hello to everyone, always smiling. Makes a point of using your name 3 times in a 4 second conversation: “Nice day Mike, how did you do Mike?…”

Mr. Serious Golfer - Holds his stance for 12 seconds after every slightly better than average shot. Thinks he’s close to making the tour.

The Janitor - Wears his keys on his belt loop like Schneider from One Day at a Time.

Joe Pipes - Wears a shirt 2 sizes too small: Sun’s out, Gun’s out.

Mr. Rulebook - knows all the rules but somehow none of them apply to him.

When we finish golfing, we sojourn to a little hole in the wall that should have been condemned the day after it opened. The beer is cold and so are the wings.

The finishing touch is the next morning - the food has completed its fermenting stage in my stomach - I could go through a keyhole from 50 paces.