By Frank Brutus

Mayoral hopeful Mickey Kearns took a break from his busy protest schedule this week to place a phone call to Yiu Zhao Fong, the mayor of Chongqing, one of China’s largest cities.

Coming soon to Buffalo?

With the assistance of a translator, Kearns described to Mayor Fong how sorry he was that China’s ‘Love Land Sex and Amusement Park’ had been torn down after opposition from the country’s conservative leaders.

He also surprised the mayor with an historic offer.

“We’ll pay you $100,000 American dollars to bring Love Land to downtown Buffalo,” Kearns told the Chongqing mayor, who appeared to have a difficult time understanding the South District Councilman and asked Kearns repeatedly if he was a “lerative of Wart Disney.”

Kearns took time to explain to Mayor Fong that his given name is actually Michael and that “Mickey” is what his friends call him.

Kearns, who noted that the Chinese would have to include free laborers to make the deal work, said he plans to ask the Common Council to direct the revenue from Mayor Brown’s Red Light Camera initiative to fund the relocation and operation of Love Land at Niagara Square.

“As everyone who listens to 103.3 The Edge knows already, I strongly oppose the Red Light cameras,” said Kearns, who will face Byron Brown in September’s primary and has touted his own Green Light camera initiative.  “But what I don’t oppose is using the exorbitant revenue that the City will earn from Red Light cameras to fund Love Land At Niagara Square, Buffalo’s first red-light-district theme park.”

Kearns, described Niagara Square as the “perfect place for Love Land because it already has the two biggest phallic symbols I’ve ever seen, the McKinley Monument and City Hall.”

Kearns added that he hopes to buy back Billy Lawless’ controversial “Green Lightning” sculpture from Chicago to add a “dancing doggie bones style” to Love Land’s sex-themed installations.  Said Kearns: “I think Buffalonians will appreciate the Sex Park as a healthy distraction from the pain and suffering they have endured under the misguided leadership of Byron Brown’s tyrannical rule over the last four years.”

Mayor Brown offered no comment on Kearns’ plan other than to say that he has personally seen phalluses “a lot bigger” than City Hall and the McKinley monument.