Special Ruse Get Fit Series

By Larry Flesler

I need to find a gym in my quest to slim down. I asked my old pal (and ever-slender) Van to give me a hand.

We started at the Scotch and Sirloin and leafed through the Yellow Pages while dining on steak with mushrooms and onions. An ad for a 24 hour gym around the corner caught our eye so I called and asked if I could stop in and visit with a personal trainer. The man on the phone identified himself as Carl and said he would be glad to see me in one hour.  We had some time to kill so we finished our meals and ordered a pitcher of dirty martinis, then it was off to the gym.

Van and I walked to the gym on wild legs as the martinis started to take hold.

A tall, strapping lad with a shock of red hair greeted us at the door.  “Hi my name is Carl, welcome to Carl’s 24 hour Fitness Emporium.”  I said hello and shook his hand.  Van said hello and gave him a big hug and peck on the cheek. “What are your goals?” asked Carl. I told him: “I want to look like my friend Van: bony girl arms, legs like Serena  Williams and the backside of Cher.”

Carl replied, “I’ll see if I can help.”

The first thing he had me do was an assessment of my flexibility, a measurement of my fat content and a check of my strength.  I laid on the mat and went through a series of stretches. Unfortunately for Carl and the other members of the gym, the steak mushrooms and dirty martinis were done fermenting in my stomach and I let go with a 21 gun salute. Carl winced, let out a scream, held his nose and ran to the exit. He had to hold the door open as the other members were right behind him.  Van and I were alone for about 15 minutes as the mushroom cloud dissipated. We played slap and tickle until Carl finally returned.

“Sorry about that” I said. “That’s OK,” said Carl, his eyes still watering.  “I just wasn’t expecting it to burn so much.”  He decided to skip the rest of the assessment and delve right into my diet.

“What’s your daily nutritional intake, starting with breakfast?” asked Carl.  I replied, “Well, for breakfast I start with a pound of bacon cooked in 4 sticks of butter and a cheese omelette smothered in hot fudge sauce topped with Skittles. For lunch I keep it light: a chicken salad with bacon wrapped sticks of butter and cheesecake for dessert. Dinner is normally done at the Scotch and Sirloin or The Grapevine. We go with either Steak and mushrooms or the King cut (24 ounce) Prime Rib. I’m not a big snacker and rarely get through more than 4 bags of Funions in an evening.”

“Wow” said Carl, “This could be a challenge.  Let’s run through some of the weight machines.”

He sat me down on some sort of leg press machine. I sat there and banged out 40 then 50 pounds when I felt that I was crowning.  I jumped up as fast as I could and nailed my head on a steel cross bar from the machine next to mine. I tumbled down onto Van and floundered around trying to gain my composure. I finally got to my feet but noticed my shorts had torn almost all the way off. By now I was bleeding profusely from a 4 inch gash in my forehead and my coin purse was in full view. I was a little embarrassed but Van kept it together, saying I looked fine and even snapped a few pictures with his camera phone.

“The locker room is over there,” Carl said as he pointed just over my shoulder.  I made my way to the john and did my business. I must have fallen asleep on the commode as I awoke to Van standing beside me in the stall trying to get me up. He was pulling my arm in a feeble attempt to budge me. He  was gentle about it though, kept stroking the top of my head and whispering, “Come on big fella you can do it.”

I must have been sitting there awhile as my left foot fell asleep. I managed to stand with Van’s help and we both made our way out of the locker room and the gym.

Next post: Cardio

Albany Street residents left to wonder, “How come nobody’s taking my money and screwing up the neighborhood?”

By Hardy Astrom

The streets are quiet.  No one is screaming, no squealing of tires.  There are no gunshots. No turf wars, no fighting over insignficant issues that come down to nothing but pride and narcissistic self-importance.  No one looking to extort money and spend it on their own status in the ‘hood.

The West Side has never had it so good.

Albany Street, often a haven for criminal activity, is usually run by members of the ‘CorruptSin’ and ‘Da’ Kriminalz’ gangs.  Both gangs promote community improvement and hold residents hostage with exorbitant ‘fees.’  The fees are said to protect homes from crime, to maintain the infrastructure, to allow good people to live in peace. The street has done nothing but decline in the past 9 decades, while both sides blame each other for the decay in their wake.

The reason for the stalemate in the ongoing battle of street supremecy is because of the defection of key members of CorruptSin to Da’ Kriminalz:  ‘Busta Phil’ and ‘DisOrda,’ two senior members of CurruptSin have switched alliance and joined Da’ Kriminalz.  The alliance switch puts both gangs even with 31 members each and the weapons count at a dead heat.

Minutes from last night's meeting displayed on a vacant house.

“I ain’t lyin’ to fool nobody,” said Pootie, a member of Da Kriminalz. “I just wants to plant some begonias ‘n shit, but I can’t ’cause they say it should be marigolds.  I’m just tryin’ to represent the folks that wants me to improve they current situation.”  Pootie maintains that he and the rest of Da Kriminalz were asked by most residents to watch over and improve Albany Street.  “It was the vast majority that asked us to,” he said.  “The vast majority.”

Members of CorruptSin have a different view.  DaMoney, who many see as the leader of the gang, feels that Da Kriminalz affiliation with the two defectors speaks volumes of their character.

“Why they gonna hang with brothas that ain’t honest?  They lie an’ tell all these people that they gonna take care of the street, pick up litter and whatnot, improve they quality of life, then they fraternize with two individuals ain’t nobody can trust?  Tol’ everybody ‘We wit’ CorruptSin.’  Den dey just jump off like that?  Ain’t right, ain’t right.”

DaMoney says that while many residents don’t agree with tactics like porch burning and intimidation, the neighborhood is better off with CorruptSin in charge.

DaKriminalz leader, JonJon, of no current address, disagrees.  “The people have spoke.  The people say they want DaKriminalz to do they work, and we will when CorruptSin do the right thing.”  Asked what the ‘right thing’ is in the current situation, JonJon replied, “I ain’t decided yet.”

Residents of Albany Street, first fearing the worst, are getting used to life without the two forces actively working against each other.

“It’s quiet,” said Bernie D. “I been talking to some of the other neighbors and we startin’ to do our own thing.  Cleaning up the vacant lots, painting some of the old houses.  Little Jose been taking some of the older folks to they doctor appointments with no interference or ‘tolls.’  It’s been peaceful.”

Maria Guzman is also happy with the current situation.  “Usually they fussin’ and fightin’ and nothing gets done anyway.  At least now we ain’t goin’ backward.”

Mayor Brown, fresh from a meeting with his advisors in Atlanta, says the time has come for a compromise.  “It’s my wish that DaKriminalz and CorruptSin can work together to come to some resolution here.  I’ll stand at the ready while they do just that.”

By Larry Flesler

The 4th of July traditionally starts the Summer for me and thus I am taking a week off from my get fit routine and heading to my cottage. I’ll try to get in a little exercise but can make no promises regarding my diet (on the way here, I bought 3 pounds of Canadian bacon, a case of Coffee Crisp and a 12 cases of Labatt Ice).

I like to get an early start and head up to my cottage at Waverly Beach in Canada. Stu and Marie arrived last night and we unpacked while sharing a pitcher of Southern Comfort Manhattans. We laughed and reminisced about vacations past and were even able to get in a little slap and tickle.

Stu said he was so busy at work that he missed his bikini wax appointment and asked if I would be able to help. I jumped at the chance and Marie even offered to hold him down and stroke his forehead as I went to town with the hot wax and shaver.  Stu has a low threshold for pain so Marie stuck a red ball in his mouth to keep the screaming down. I did an adequate job but he still might look like he’s wearing a sweater-thong under his speedos.

At the cottage, Stu and I share a twin bed while Marie sleeps on the couch (although last night Marie joined us for a devil’s triangle after polishing off the remaining Southern Comfort).

We had a little interruption when my 92-year-old neighbor knocked on the door to welcome me back. I invited her in but she declined. It could have been the way I was dressed: my 4-inch stiletto heels, fishnet stockings and leather chaps may have surprised her.

Sweet lady, though.  I had a summer fling with her last year at the end of my stay.  It started when we were gardening and I tripped over a patio paver and toppled onto her. As I helped her up her sundress had fallen to her waist. She was topless and her accordion like breasts hit me in the leg.  I was instantly smitten. We rolled around in the herb garden for quite some time. I lost two things in the garden that night: my watch and my dignity.

I will try to share more details about my vacation over the next week as more guests come and go.

“Didn’t I Meet You At The Stabbing?”

By Caroline Hack

Why am I the first person the cops question when somebody is stabbed?

There are like, 35 people standing on the same street corner that I am, but for some reason I’m the interview in demand.  I’d say it’s because cops generally like a wiggle with their half truths, but this was on the lower West Side.  There’s more wiggle down there than on my Aunt Sally’s cheeks when she’s running from one of my Uncle’s well-thrown forks.  I got half the back fat of most of the West Side ladies, but perhaps because neither of my eyes were swollen shut, I’m the one talking to two thick-necked cops.

The scene is pretty standard:  people you wouldn’t think should be in the proximity of an attempted murder quickly let a scary situation become a social event.  As I stand before the genderless cops I hear lively conversation, laughing, and friendly banter between young males, young women, girls with kids, and a couple of neighborhood elders.  There were a few people who must have been new to the neighborhood and introductions were made.

I’m getting the usual line of questioning, and because my meds have evened out nicely in the past few weeks, I’m fairly sure that I haven’t stabbed anyone I’m not related to, and certainly not in public.  The cops don’t seem clueless as they are disinterested.  The buzz around us is more interesting than me recounting my morning: I woke up, called a cab, went out to check the house number and street name I was at, saw a group of people on the corner talking about how so-and-so got stabbed by whoever, took a morning-after pill and sat on the stoop.

The cops released me and asked no one any more questions.  I found this curious.  It doesn’t take me much energy to not care about these things, but like I said, the meds are pretty even right now.  Sometimes it makes me feel like a ‘normal’ person.  Sometimes I ‘think’ about things and wonder why there’s ‘blood’ all over the sidewalk and on some kid’s bike.  I don’t like how these thoughts make me feel and that’s when I start to cut the back of my hand with the corkscrew on my keychain.  I feel better.

The corkscrew makes me think of Father’s Day.  I went to my brother’s mother’s father-in-law’s house (my family tree is 600 yards wide).  We did the cookout thing and I was one of the first to leave because I hate being with my family.  As I walked out, two neighborhood girls were kicking the crap out of a different neighborhood girl.  Two guys stepped in to break it up, but the whole thing was very noisy.  My sister’s ex-step brother-in-law lives in Clarence and he was all freaked out.  He’s asking me if he should step in and see what the problem is, thinking maybe he should help sort it out.  I’m like, ‘You’ll have fake nails sticking out of your eyeballs,” so he went back in the house.

The fighters were between me and my car, so I said, ‘Excuse me’ and walked through.  No big deal.  The same basic scene had played out in my front yard the night before.  The only difference was that I was one of the girls giving the beatdown.  Don’t have my boy light your smoke and you won’t have to smell my elbow for the next two days.  How’s that?

I wonder now, if that’s why the cops didn’t ask many questions at the stabbing.  I was the only one who looked a bit out of place because of my smaller ass and lighter skin.  For everybody else it was kind of business as usual and they were treating the stabbing like somebody backed into a street light.  If my sister’s ex-step brother-in-law was there they’d be talking to him all day.  Even if he had no information, he at least had an appropriate reaction.

I like the fact that I’m not nervous around blood and fights.  I can take care of myself and if I can’t, ECMC’s ER does a beautiful job.  But sometimes I think about how it might be to feel like my sister’s ex-step brother-in-law.  Not so much the part where he’s a candy ass, all worried about a couple chicks fighting, but how he maybe gets to feel when he’s not around people bleeding and yelling.  Like how he must feel at home, when he doesn’t have to think about this shit.  Most of his life must be pretty quiet if one screaming fighting match makes him so uncomfortable.  I wonder what that’s like.

So I mess with my meds to try to find out.

By Wad Rotson

New York State’s Infestation Containment Commissioner Gail Tachok announced at a press conference yesterday that the Cattaraugus County town of Randolph will be incinerated at 2pm on Wednesday in order to contain a potential plague “the likes of which we haven’t endured since Sodom and Gomorrah.”

According to Tachok, the emerald ash borer, a particularly invasive Asian insect that migrated here “during the lax President Clinton years,” is planning to wreak havoc on the 900 million ash trees that thrive in New York State.

But Tachok says that New Yorkers aren’t “dumb enough” to let the beetles’ plans go unchallenged.

“We’ve coated every building, home, vehicle in Randolph with high-test kerosene.  We figure that from the first house to the last mailbox it will take twelve hours to burn everything here beyond recognition, including the beetles,” said Tachok, holding aloft a box of Ohio-brand blue tip matches.  “Which means that, yet again, humans will have proven that the are smarter than these ash-hole insects.”

Randolph Town Historian Jesse McCartney, who has been away on a fishing trip since late May and is likely unaware of the plan to incinerate the town, did not respond to requests for an interview.  His home, which was built in 1838 and houses the Randolph History Museum And Civil War Artifact Collection, is scheduled to be the first to be set aflame.

Special Ruse Get Fit Series

By Larry Flesler

I need to lose some weight.

At the request of my daughter, I have decided to try to lose some weight.

She introduces me to friends as ‘the big fat loser’ (I think it’s a take on ‘The Biggest Loser’ TV Show) and playfully sticks ‘Caution Wide Load’ stickers on my back before I go to Church. She coyly drops hints that she is concerned about my weight, saying things like “You are such a fat slob you make me ill” and even has a nickname for me - The Human Eclipse.

As a result of her gentle prodding, I will change my diet, join a gym and share with you my trials and tribulations as I embark on this journey that is sure to transform my waistline and my life.

Day one - time to find my workout clothes.

Luckily I saved a few dollars after finding an old Twin Fair box in my closet containing my old gym clothes from my last year in college. I have a clean pair of off-white Converse Chuck Taylor sneakers, my red and yellow gym shorts and a black singlet from my wrestling days. I tried on everything and although the fit was rather snug I think I can make it work.

My starting weight is 397 pounds and I stand 5 feet 6 inches tall.

I can hardly wait to get started.  My next column will be about finding a gym.

Returns home to South Buffalo to study geography, spelling.

By Frank Brutus

Mayoral candidate Micheal Kearns announced yesterday that he is suspending his campaign indefinitely until the presidential election crisis in Iran is resolved.

Kearns: Brick Bar appearance still on.

Kearns, seeking to disprove the results of a recent Channel 7 poll that indicated Buffalonians believe he is “weak on foreign affairs” and “likely to bring back strip mining” held a press conference from his living room where he was surrounded by an entire set of the 1987 World Book Encyclopedia.

“This isn’t just about Iran,” said the South District Common Councilman, holding the Letter I encyclopedia in his hand.  “This is about a chain reaction of chaos, followed by a lot of other countries in that part of Europe and eventually the whole problem blows right over the English Channel and lands at the doorstep of Buffalo.  I’ve seen it happen so many times before and I’ve always just sat back and watched.  Not this time.”

In suspending his campaign indefinitely, Kearns was forced to cancel an appearance at the Dom Polski Pancake Breakfast on Sobieski Street in addition to a publicity event at Wegman’s Supermarket on Amherst Street where he planned to hand out lemons to shoppers in the produce section while he inquired “Why are you so sour on my candidacy?”

“I’m going to lend my skills to the crisis at hand while at the same time Mayor Byron Brown sits back and does absolutely nothing,” said Kearns.  “Just like he did when Cuba threatened to invade Texas and look at how that mess turned out.”

Also stripped of potential careers in interior design, theater, dance, abortion rights advocacy.

By Clip Kelly, Ruse Intern

Miss California USA, Carrie Prejean has been fired for hating gays and discouraging their pursuit of happiness.  The recently dethroned pageant winner made headlines when she spoke out against gay marriage claiming that she believes marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Molded by God.

“If you let the gays marry then the gays will breed and that will lead to more gays and a weaker military and less chance of a peaceful victory to the conflict in our war of Iraq thus far such as.”

In her first public appearance since losing the crown, Prejean spoke of the comfort she has received from her faith. Though not overcome with emotion, she did have difficulty speaking. “I am eager and looking forward in the future at where God leads me in the future. I know He has large plans for me. I am proud to reveal myself. And be the strong woman that God has molded me to be of. And I will forever speak for the truth today, respectfulness, and never back down.”

In the end, it was her unwillingness to fulfill her obligations that ultimately lead to her termination. She failed to show up to at a benefit luncheon for fashion designers injured in the line of backstage meltdowns.

She was also a no show as a judge for the San Francisco Pug Parade.

This controversy is a quick reminder of Miss Illinois USA (1918) when she spoke out against women’s suffrage.  Her crown was revoked when she was discovered drunk at a speakeasy in her tiara and sash screaming, “Vote? I’ll vote.  This dame votes for more gin.”

In Prejean’s place, Miss California USA runner up will be attending this week’s Poultry Festival or, as locals call it, the “Golden Cockfest,” which has little to do with chicken, but is, nonetheless, incredibly festive.

By Ronn Chesmonde

McKinley's last stop? The Taste of Buffalo.

There is no better place than Western New York to sink your teeth into a nice, juicy slab of summer festivals.  So get out the calendar, circle these dates and pull on your party pants:

The Caz Park Barf-A-Palooza (June 29th): Join South Buffalo’s finest from 11pm to 5am at this annual kick-off-the-summer rite of passage for everyone on Seneca Street who celebrated a 13th birthday in the past year.  No one can leave until their stomach contents have been completely emptied onto the lawn of Caz Park.  Smell the excitement: summer’s here!

The East Side Rummage Giveaway Festival (happening now through December): Help yourself to urine-stained couches, overstuffed moldy chairs and previously enjoyed clothing.  It’s all on display and it’s all absolutely free!  Tour Buffalo’s East Side by car, foot or bike.  If it’s near the curb, it’s yours for the taking.  If it’s on a porch, grab it and run (residents will let you know if an item wasn’t meant for the Rummage Giveaway by firing pistols into the air…simply return the item to the porch and be on your merry way).  Bring your own Hefty bag!

Snoot Fest 2009 (July 9th):  The coolest neighborhood in the City has been overrun by a gang of financially-secure, whiny assholes.  They’ve driven the heart and soul of the Elmwood Village right out of the neighborhood in their polished Saabs and you’re invited to share a drink with them while they expound on the finer things in their lives.  Cottages in Canada! Martini’s at Muscarelle! Sex with their wives seven days a week!  You’ll hear it all at Snoot Fest 2009.  But don’t expect to attend next year as this Festival becomes unbearable after just one visit!

The Lower West Side “Where’s My Car Stereo?” Festival (various weekends throughout the summer).  Heading down to hear some music at Lasalle Park?  I hope you hate your car stereo because after you leave it parked anywhere on “The Lower” you won’t have those pesky “presets” to worry about after you return to your smashed passenger-side window.  If you are the lucky owner of a higher-end Honda, Toyota or Hyundai, Festival organizers plan to use valets to “remove” your entire car for you at absolutely no extra charge!

Thursday After The Square (weekly through early September):  Remember that hot girl who sat next to you in 9th grade Algebra?  Well, guess what?  She’s not so hot anymore.  But after 14 drinks, who cares what she looks like now: your recollections of watching her try to finish that graphing problem on the board with you attention fixed solidly on her “square root” will seem like yesterday.  She still lives in Buffalo so you can be sure that she’s had a few bratty kids, doubled in size and hasn’t exactly “finalized” her divorce yet.  But none of that will matter after you capture the 5 minutes of glory in the back seat of your Ford Focus that eluded you for your entire High School experience.

East Amherst’s Annual Pub Sprawl (All summer):  It’s not easy to drive 15 minutes into Buffalo to enjoy ethnic cuisine, live music or the breezy waterfront.  That’s why East Amherst started it’s annual Pub Sprawl.  Start at Applebee’s on Transit and finish at Carraba’s, located in the Niagara Falls Boulevard Extravaganza Plaza directly across from Best Buy.  You’ll enjoy distinct beers like Budweiser and Schlitz imported to Western New York daily from over 5 American breweries.   This festival provides you with a unique opportunity to rub elbows with every other miserable sot who didn’t have the balls to tough it out in the City after the kids turned school-age.  And while you’re there, don’t miss the antique-looking bar at Bennigan’s that was hand-crafted by a Malaysian 7-year-old in 1993. Cheers!

By Frank Brutus

Kearns: Running for Martyr?

South District Common Councilman Mickey Kearns, who has temporarily suspended his mayoral campaign until the presidential election is decided in Iran, declared Sunday that he is “ready for martyrdom” if the ballots in September’s Democratic primary don’t indicate that he is the “people’s choice for the Mayoral revolution that is happening right now in Buffalo.”

“If there is even a hint of corruption in the primary results I don’t want my supporters taking to the streets, throwing rocks and burning police cars,” said Kearns.  “I’d rather just have them vote for me in the separate ‘Buffalo Martyr’ election, which I plan to hold in October at Talty’s Pub in South Buffalo.”

Kearns says that the Office of the Martyr will have the exact same duties and responsibilities as the Mayor, but “since I will be considered the Supreme Leader I will have the final say in all city-related matters.”

According to aides to the mayoral candidate, The Martyr’s Office will be located in City Hall directly above the Mayor’s Office, which would likely be re-located to an empty store front on Niagara Street sometime next year.

“You can’t have a Mayor’s Office and a Martyr’s Office right next to each other.  That’s too confusing for the citizens,” said Kearns.  “Eventually the Mayor will have to go.”

Kearns, still sequestered in his South Buffalo home and surrounded by an entire volume of the 1987 World Book Encyclopedia, says that he has worked through three or four “other letters in the set” and asserted that he is “starting to get a real feel for what needs to be done to support our own revolution right here in Western New York.”

“We should probably kidnap some State Senators and hold them for over a year until our demands for tax relief are met,” he said soberly.  “That seemed like it worked out pretty well for Iran in 1980.”  Kearns also mentioned that he has alerted his entire Common Council staff to be on the lookout for a “giant wooden horse that is gifted to us by the city of Troy or any other sworn enemies of Buffalo.”

Kearns says that Buffalo’s daunting problems cannot be the only focus of the Mayor and criticized Byron Brown for being “short-sighted” in the international affairs department.  “With all due respect, Mayor Brown is limiting his efforts to lowering crime, developing access to our natural resources and bringing jobs back to Buffalo.  He’s totally missing the bigger picture and I think the voters are going to call him on that in September.”

Kearns said that the city’s problems will remain unsolved until someone is elected in Buffalo who can “see how the dots in the Buffalo painting are actually connected to bigger dots in a much larger painting that has many more colors.”

Kearns revealed that he has placed a call to President Reagan to solicit advice on how to deal with the “USSR problem, because that is going to be a real doozy to deal with after I solve our Buffalo waterfront issues.”

The press conference concluded abruptly when a reporter questioned Kearn’s wisdom in using “outdated facts from a twenty-two-year-old encyclopedia set” to plan his Buffalo revolution.