By Wad Rotson

New York State’s Infestation Containment Commissioner Gail Tachok announced at a press conference yesterday that the Cattaraugus County town of Randolph will be incinerated at 2pm on Wednesday in order to contain a potential plague “the likes of which we haven’t endured since Sodom and Gomorrah.”

According to Tachok, the emerald ash borer, a particularly invasive Asian insect that migrated here “during the lax President Clinton years,” is planning to wreak havoc on the 900 million ash trees that thrive in New York State.

But Tachok says that New Yorkers aren’t “dumb enough” to let the beetles’ plans go unchallenged.

“We’ve coated every building, home, vehicle in Randolph with high-test kerosene.  We figure that from the first house to the last mailbox it will take twelve hours to burn everything here beyond recognition, including the beetles,” said Tachok, holding aloft a box of Ohio-brand blue tip matches.  “Which means that, yet again, humans will have proven that the are smarter than these ash-hole insects.”

Randolph Town Historian Jesse McCartney, who has been away on a fishing trip since late May and is likely unaware of the plan to incinerate the town, did not respond to requests for an interview.  His home, which was built in 1838 and houses the Randolph History Museum And Civil War Artifact Collection, is scheduled to be the first to be set aflame.