By Larry Flesler

Ruse editor Murray Lite asked me to report on the game as it happens so here goes.

Just sat down in my easy chair for kickoff. I have 3 containers of Bison Chip dip, 4 bags of ‘Scoops’ and 3 bags of pork rinds on my TV tray as well as a bottle of Wild Turkey.

1st Quarter:

Steelers march down the field, Bills ‘Swiss Cheese’ defense can’t stop them.

Trent Edwards looks to be ready for the season, just completed a 3-yard pass.

Trent just threw an interception for a Steelers TD.

Commercial break, time for a tall glass of Wild Turkey and a trip to the fridge for a slice of ham.

While Bills can’t get a 1st down, I’ve managed to down 1 bag of Scoops and a tub of Bison Dip.

2nd Quarter:

Bills no huddle keeps defense on the field forever as they keep going 3 and out.

Shot of Dick Jauron on sidelines…he always looks like he’s about to soil himself.

Steelers score again.

Wild Turkey almost gone.

Steelers get field goal, lead 17-0.

Halftime:  Steelers - 17 Bills - 0

2 bags of Scoops, 2 tubs of dip and a bottle of Wild Turkey missing in action.

3rd Quarter:

No change - Bills awful, Steelers good.

Wife walks by, I ask her for a smooch and she punches me in the temple.

4th Quarter:

QB change, Fitzpatrick sacked twice in two plays.

I yell to Wife to bring me a fresh bottle of Wild Turkey, she calls me a fat drunken slob and leaves the house.   Guess I have to get it myself.

Just sat on the remote, rerun of Brady Bunch now on.

Sam the Butcher just came over to take Alice on a bowling date, Alice looks disappointed. Sam has no idea how to treat a dame like Alice.  She needs to be romanced.  I’d bring her a dozen roses, a spiral ham and a bottle of Black Velvet. She would be so smitten that she’d cook the ham wearing nothing but that fetching blue apron and a come-hither smile.

Must have dozed off, I am covered with pork rinds, chip dip and my own stench.

Game must be over.  Steleers win.

By Larry Flesler

I’ll be back writing about the Bills and Sabres soon.

-I like to spend time at the Fair and have been sleeping in a tent next to the pig barn for the last 4 years. I used to make the long walk back to my car and crash for the night but discovered my old army pup tent and have used it ever since. Passers by think I’m either a carny, a 4H veteran or a pig farmer but I don’t care. I save about $80 on admission as I show up on $2.00 day and stay for 7 nights.

-My favorite food at the Fair has to be the deep fried Oreo’s: they taste like an orgasm.

-I really enjoyed the ‘Try to Club the Baby Seal Game.’ The carny hands you a 9-iron and a blindfold and you get 30 seconds to swing away.

-There’s something about the aroma of the Fair: sweaty carny’s, camels, corn dogs and 6-day-old fecal matter from the port-a-john makes for an interesting experience.

-I tried to get my picture taken with Smokey the Bear but some guy with a Boston accent kept jumping in the way. He screamed “I’m Mr. Pickles, get the hell outta my way.”

-I met a nice dame while drinking warm draft Schlitz at the beer tent. She was a 70-something, rail thin, chain-smoking ball of fire. We managed to share my pup tent and rolled around like 2 moles in a sock for hours on end.

-I was asked to leave the ‘I Got It’ game. I went there after drinking warm Schlitz for 4 hours and kept eating the ping pong balls.

-I ran into a few old friends at the Fair, Marie Rice and Wadi Sawabini. We enjoyed the Ferris Wheel and then  had a Devil’s Triangle the last night of the Fair.

-My old pal Van was house sitting as I attended the Fair. I told him it wasn’t necessary as my Wife would be home but he insisted.

-I was also asked to leave the Camel ride.  Apparently my loose fitting shorts exposed my coin purse to a throng of toddlers as I tried to get in the saddle.

-You do a lot of walking at the Fair - as a result, my hammer toe looks more like a drumstick.

-I did not leave with any jumbo stuffed animals, crazy balloon hats or clean clothes but I’ll be back next year.

by Boomer Nuthatch, Buffalo Ruse summer intern

Mayor Byron Brown, with millions of dollars in his campaign war chest and currently immersed in the lamest political battle of his lackluster career, is looking beyond the September primaries and is instead spending his valuable time trying to come up with a decent slogan for the city.

"Welcome to Browntown Buffalo."

Aides close to the savvy Mayor say that he recognizes the power of a successful City slogan and is looking to establish the Brown legacy as “something to be fondly remembered sixty years from now in a silly human interest article.”

Yesterday, the Buffalo Ruse obtained a short list of the potential slogans that the Mayor has been working on.  According to sources inside City Hall, Brown did most of the work himself but did receive some help from a Cleveland-based consulting firm which was paid $100,000 to “benchmark best practices and synergize leverage,” as well providing a tutorial on shoe lace-tying.

The slogans that follow include the Mayor’s own notations as he attempts to capture the essence of Buffalo.

Slogan #1: Welcome To Buffalo, The City Of Progressively Lowered Expectations
“At one point, Buffalo was an economic powerhouse.  Now we’ll wait for years, pinning our dreams on nothing more than a sporting goods store to buy discount hip waders in.  Like my Pilates instructor always tells me, if you lower your expectations fast enough, it makes it seem like progress is happening.”

Slogan #2: Buffalo: The Municipality Of Redonkulous Pulchritude
“It’s got big fancy words in it, so it makes Buffalo sound smart.  But it’s also fresh, so it’ll resonate with young people.  Make sure to spell fresh with a ph.”

Slogan #3: Buffalo, NY: Home Of The Perpetual Underdog
“I think Buffalo sports fans are over the heartbreaking, almost-made it performances of the Bills and Sabres in years past.  No one even flinches when you say ‘Wide Right’ or ‘No Goal’ anymore.  It’s time we embrace our status as the city who never quite gets there.  After all, when you’re watching the ABC After School Specials, whom do you root for?  The underdog, of course.  If this slogan is picked, the Buffalo Bandits will have to relocate to Poughkeepsie, because they win too much.  It doesn’t matter that lacrosse is a minor league sport, they’ll just have to go.”

Slogan #4: Buffalo: The Whore On The Shore
“Buffalo is ready to do anything, anywhere, anytime with anyone who will propose a waterfront development project.  This slogan says it all: Both this Queen City and her administrative legs are wide open for business!”

Slogan #5: B-lo: The City Where You Never Need To Sleep It Off
“Buffalo is an alcoholic’s wonderland where bars close at 4am and reopen at 6am.  For those two awkward hours in-between, there’s the Towne Restaurant.  No matter what you do after you’ve had too much at Happy Hour, you never have to go home and sleep it off in Buffalo.”

Slogan #6: Buffalo, NY: The Great Untied Shoe Of The Niagara Frontier
“I don’t know what this means.  I needed one more for the list, and looked down, and one of my “Heelys” was untied.  Note to self: ask my wife how she ties these laces so that they stay together.”

The Mayor’s Office will announce shortly that voting for Buffalo’s new slogan will take place in the next two weeks.  According to assistant Peter Cutler, readers interested in voting should write their favorite slogan on a $20.00 bill and mail it to City Hall.

When asked why modern communications technology such as Facebook or email won’t be used for the voting, Cutler replied, “We’ll use the internet when it’s available on computers, not just on WebTV.  We can’t all be lucky enough to win one of those AOL disky things in the mail.  Until then, City Hall is sticking with real advanced technology, like as the ZIP+4 code and the retractable ball point pen.”

by Boomer Nuthatch, special Ruse cross-dressing correspondent

Buffalo businessman uses "protection" on his "investment."

“I’ll take it off when the business community is ready to treat these buildings with some respect,” said local businessman Lorenzo Jezierski as he finished putting the finishing touches on a custom-fitted vinyl slipcover for a class C office building located in Buffalo’s withering business district.  “Or when someone really important comes downtown.”

Jezierski smiled and waved to several workers trapped inside the building by the stifling plastic, who gasped painfully for air inside the oxygen-proof bubble, their attendance at the Malamute’s Happy Hour now in question.

“I got the idea from my Grandma.  She’s gone now, but growing up she had a living room we were never allowed to go in to.  It was a lifeless room, kept untouched in case the Pope came to visit.  The davenport was covered by a beautiful vinyl shell that kept the floral print clean and pristine, just like it was in 1922, when the print was in style.  After fifty years, it was like no one had ever lived in there.  Suddenly it came to me: downtown Buffalo is just like Grandma Jezierski’s living room!”

Immediately after his epiphany, Jezierski placed an order on eBay for several thousand square yards of heavy plastic sheeting.

Reaction to the plastic-coated building from passersby was mixed.  Gail Tachok, an insurance claims processor and part-time interpretive dance instructor liked it.  “I bet the snow will just slide right off of that wall in winter,” she said.

But Rob Dooley, a computer programmer who is seeking a patent for his ‘battery-operated breath mint,’ insisted, “There’s no way this will catch on.  Look at those people.  They can’t breath.  This is even worse than when they painted Main Street green to create ‘green space’ downtown.”

But Jezierski refuses to be distracted from his goal of protecting all of downtown from stains, spills and unexpected economic success.  “Someday you’ll thank me for this,” he said.  “Especially when the Pope comes to sanctify the Bass Pro Shop.  Until then, you can keep your grubby little paws off the facade.”

Larry Flesler

-It’s good to see the Bills back at training camp, there’s something comforting about watching sweat soaked men in skin tight gear.

-I’m taking a break from my ‘Get Fit’ series, I don’t want to jeopordize my agreement with the folks at ‘Weeble Skin.’

-My Gout is back with a vengence.

-I still have a huge crush on Ann B. Davis, Alice from ‘The Brady Bunch.’

-Tiger Woods has a very short fuse, I witnessed an ugly incident at this years Masters. I was standing near the 13th green next to an elderly gent as Tiger was about to strike his putt. I had eaten 4 of the Pimento and cheese sandwiches and passed gas just as Tiger pulled back his putter. Tiger stopped his stroke and glared in my direction. I tilted my head in the direction of the gent next to me assuming Tiger would see the old fellow and  ignore what happened. He then walked towards the man, pulled a tee out of his trousers, grabbed the man by the scruff of his neck and slowly engraved the Nike swish symbol in his forehead.

-My wife has been having me take a new vitamin 12 times a day, said they are the newest thing on the market, they’re called Beano.

-My Barber charges me double due to my excessive ear hair.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of  Scott Baio.

-I once played stickball with Isaac Hayes and Bob Dylan.

-Godspeed ‘Charles in Charge.’