Group defends right to wipe, threatens lawsuit.

By Hardy Astrom

They strained to keep their composure.  Many pushed to eliminate the rule altogether. But as tears ran down the cheeks of the families of 7 recently terminated employees of the Golden Age Club, members of the Board of Trustees at the assisted living facility defended the firings.  Family members were expressing frustration after their loved ones were fired for not following an employment policy which mandates that employees wear the same adult diapers as the people they care for.

Mary Lennon, whose husband Jim was fired after 10 years of service, was the first to speak to the Board at a hearing on Friday.

“My husband served the people at Golden Age for a decade.  He helped them eat, he helped them move.  He dropped them off at the pool every week for ten years and this is his reward?  It’s unfair and illegal and we’re going to fight it.”  She added that the effect the firing has had on her husband has “wrecked him”.

Enforcement of the policy has been casual in recent years, so the firings came as a surprise to most.  Ron Fisher, a maintenance employee since 1999, saw signs last spring.

“My supervisor started looking at me differently, giving me a pat on the rump when I walked in every morning, keeping an eye on my bathroom visits.”  Fisher said that he never thought it would end like this.  “I thought they’d give us fair warning that something was coming down the pike.”

The facility has declined to comment on possible legal action, but defends its policy as a way to supplement funding.  Diapers must be purchased from the facility’s supply and funds help maintain buildings and grounds.  They also argue that residents often feel uncomfortable living in diapers, and the practice builds a degree of comraderie.

Mike Cunningham, a nurse’s assistant since 2003, disagrees.

“I don’t have to live in excrement to understand that it’s not comfortable to live in excrement. I can empathize and live without a rash at the same time.”  He has retained a lawyer to fight the policy.

UB business professor Rocco Distillo says that removing the policy will open the door to a larger pool of skilled workers.  “It’s not imperative for a worker to have an identical experience to provide quality service.  The quality of the employees reflect current policy, and right now Golden Age is advertising for workers who stink, quite frankly.”

Distillo added that the policy is not part of successful business model.

“Imagine the quality of local government if a policy like this required our mayors and City Councils to come from places like Buffalo and Niagara Falls.  Imagine the consequences.”

By Larry Flesler

- I was impressed by the Bills performance on Sunday. Alex Van Pelt called a great game, he always had an unusual approach to planning for big games. I recall a pre-game ritual that included Alex, Jim Kelly, Marv Levy and Mike Lodish. Marv would stand on top of a bench in the locker room wearing the opposing team’s helmet and nothing else. He would then recite poetry while Alex and Mike gave Jim a foot and scalp massage. Marv would then hop off the bench and run in circles screaming “I am Spartacus!”

- I gave up on my Get Fit routine for now. My hunger for sticks of butter wrapped in bacon has been a bit of a barrier to losing weight.  I’ll give it a try in a few months.  My daughter said I should start a Stay Fat & Grotesque routine.

- Fall is my favorite season. Van, Stu and I take a road trip every year to the Adirondacks for fall foliage viewing. It’s a long drive but the time goes by fast.  We take turns driving and the other two sit in the back seat and massage each others feet. Van normally does not end up driving much as he’s usually bombed on High Balls by the time we get to Batavia.

- The waist band on my underwear has lost it’s elasticity. I now wear suspenders under my clothes to hold them up.

- I like to ride my 3-wheel bike past the hair salon wearing my “short shorts” and muscle shirt.  The dames can’t keep their eyes off me.

- I was saddened to hear about the death of Patrick Swayze…he was one of the good ones. I rented Footloose and Ghost Rider in his memory.

- My Hammer Toe is almost better but I now have an open sore the size of Idaho on my forehead.

- Godpeed Patrick Swayze, hopefully they’ll let you dance in that small town in the sky.

By Frank Brutus

Mayor Byron Brown, just days after sweeping to victory in the city’s Democratic primary, announced that Buffalo’s annual dredging for bodies in the Scajaquada Creek will take place this weekend.

Searching for bodies.

The Mayor, who claims to be “the whitest” African-American elected to the office of Mayor in any city in America, joked that “our CitiStat Department gets a little uneasy when the dredging starts because they know at the end of the day we’re going to have some statistics that the Police Department is not going to be happy with.”

Mayor Brown predicted the good news for Police Commissioner H. McCarthy Gipson is that dozens of missing person cases will be cleared from the dockets of the Police Department after the “bloated corpses of the city’s disappeared” are cleared from the scum-laden creek.

The Mayor reminded city residents that a $25 donation to his political action committee entitles Buffalo boosters to sit in a special viewing area where they can watch the bodies being pulled from the creek “up close and personal.”

According to the Mayor, grieving family members who are present to identify remains do not need to make the donation in order to sit in the VIP section.

By Ronn Chesmonde

It’s official: chickens are now considered “legal residents” in Buffalo.

A modest proposal: Stop the chickens!

And if you want to know where the next decline in housing prices is going to happen, look no further than Rhode Island Street on the city’s West Side, where five chickens are coming home to roost even as you read this.

Look, don’t get me wrong: I like chickens.  Some of my best friends are chickens.  But chickens shouldn’t be allowed to live among the rest of us Buffalonians and here’s why:

For one thing, they’re filthy.  They allow their property to fall quickly into disrepair.  They put sofas and chairs on their porches and then leave them to fester through the winter as over-stuffed eyesores.  Some chickens use seasonal lawn decorations that look ridiculous no matter what holiday is approaching.

Also, chickens play their music too loud.  I realize that we all deserve the right to listen to the kind of music that we feel culturally comfortable with but, in the case of most chickens, they modify their cars so that the stereos and the exhaust are capable of waking the dead.  Can it even be called music?  All I hear is dash-rattling noise!

Finally, chickens drain valuable neighborhood resources by having too many offspring.  Just because America provides free public education to our youngest doesn’t mean that every chicken in America needs to fill up an entire classroom with their own progeny.

So I think it is time that we finally stand up to all these politically correct politicians who keep making these moronic decisions.  Because if we don’t do something now, the chickens will be running this town in ten years.

Which, by the way, is exactly why we never should have let the Irish into Buffalo.

By Bob Loblaw

Mayor Byron Brown declared his innocence today in the Leonard Stokes’ handicapped-parking-ticket caper of 2009.

He was at the ground-breaking ceremony for a new restaurant started by James Pitts called ‘One Sunspot’ when a reporter asked him if Mr. Stokes was brought to his office in lieu of the police station.  Mayor Brown responded “Who’s Lou?”

With the Democratic Primary just days away, the Mayor then started to list his accomplishments since being elected in 2005:

-Initiated ‘Clean Sweep’ program that cleaned up high-crime areas.  “We sent out an impact team to cut down tall weeds and overgrown shrubs to help law enforcement find weapons and perpetrators,” said the Mayor.  When told that everything grew back even higher, he said he was not aware this could happen.

-Started Handicapped Parking Tag Buyback Program.  “We purchased over 600 tags from the general public, no questions asked,” said Brown.  When asked what they did with the tags, the Mayor said he thought they were on his kitchen table.

-Started new ‘Meet the Mayor’ program for Buffalo residents. Any Buffalo resident that is arrested will be given a free ride in the back of a police cruiser directly to his office for a meet and greet.  “This allows me to stay in touch with Buffalo’s young men with promise.”

-Added 126 Police Officers during his term as Mayor. One hundred of them are assigned to his personal security staff and the other 26 follow his son around.

-Started new Electronic-Get-Out-The-Vote Program for local politicians.  “It works like this: hand-selected employees at City Hall send e-mails to every Buffalonian asking them to vote for me. It’s a real time saver,” said the Mayor.  When told that it was not legal for this to happen at his direction, the Mayor said he would “fact check” the legality issues with himself and get back to us later.

-Directly responsible for record profits at Giant Key Locksmith Company of Meadville.  “We hand out Keys to the City faster than they can make them,” said Brown proudly.

“In summary, I feel that I have given the fine people of Buffalo a reason to vote for me again, right Steve?” asked the Mayor as Steve Casey nodded in approval.  “I must now meet my good friend Brian Davis for lunch at Crystal Barton’s house.  She has free soda.”

Larry Flesler

I am being forced by Murray Lite to do another live report for the Bills Pat’s game, here goes.

Just settled into my old recliner with all the game time necessities; 2 bottles of Wild Turkey, 8 bags of Funions, 4 large bags of Andy Capp Hot fries and a fresh jar of pickled eggs.

It’s 8pm, getting an early start, I’d like to check out the pre-game chatter before the 9pm kickoff. Oh, uhh the game is already in progress, must have read the TV guide wrong.

Commercial break as I wait to see what’s happening. It’s an ad for  Arby’s - 5 regulars for $5.95, think I’ll have the Mrs. run and grab me some with extra Horsey sauce, damn they look good. I love the Horsey sauce but always feel like a putz asking for it, they should have a a more manly name for it, like Horseball sauce.

1st Quarter;

Missed all of it, but Bills in lead 7-0, just finished 3 bags of Funions and 4 pickled eggs, are the yokes supposed to be runny?

2nd Quarter;

Wife just returned from Arby’s with my 5 regulars. Only 3 are in the bag, that  puss bag must have had 2 of them on the way home. Oh well, at least she got a separate bag full of Horsey sauce. Wow Horsey sauce on Hot Fries is incredible, I think I invented a new snack, think I’ll call them Andy’s Horseyballs.

Aaron Schobel with the sack, I hear he has a hot wife but she’s as dumb as a box of rocks. Bills no huddle looks interesting, wonder if the wife would like to huddle up for awhile.

Wild Turkey going down smooth, 1st bottle almost gone, might need to make a run for more at halftime.

Fred Jackson looks good, he’s no Jonathan Linton but he’s ok.

Brady getting in sync, Pats moving down the field at will. Poz holding his arm, probably sprained it trying to brush his hair. Pats just scored.

I’m crowning, be back in a few minutes. Took a little longer than I hoped, Bills in the lead 14-7, not sure how they scored, I’ll check and let you know.

2:00 minute warning, time to stock up on pickled eggs.

Brady moving team, first and goal. Kelsay hurt - looks like he took a shot in the groinal area. Dick Jauron looks concerned or constipated or near death.

Field goal attempt, kick is good 14-10 at the half.

I’m going to call 68 FLUSH, I plugged up the commode. The pickled eggs don’t agree with me and my wife is not happy.

3rd Quarter:

My wife is watching Murder She Wrote and drank half my 2nd bottle of Wild Turkey. I’ll give her a minute, she’s an angry drunk. She just threw her corrective shoe at me, I’ll get my transistor radio out of my Twin Fair shoe box. Can’t find the radio but did find an old copy of Swank that Van gave me as a housewarming gift some years back. They leave nothing to the imagination in that magazine.

I hear my wife snoring and passing gas, that means she’ll be out for hours, back to the game.

Bills up 17-10.

4th Quarter:

Patrick Swayze dead, I loved him in Footloose.

Pickled eggs gone, Horsey sauce under wife in recliner, that’s where it’s staying. My steel-kettle like stomach is having a hard time with the Hot Fries, something’s fermenting in there that needs to be released soon. Hope the commode gets unplugged soon.

17-13.

I need to run to my neighbor’s house and use the bathroom before I implode……too late.

I’ll get back to you with the final game summary later in the late edition, I need to attend to some house cleaning.

By Larry Flesler

With the season opener just a week away, the Bills have many question that need answers. I have listed some below:

-Can Alex Van Pelt get Trent Edwards to complete a pass longer than the toenail on my hammer toe?

-Will Leodis McKelvin or Roscoe Parish be able to string together two coherent words?

-Will Dick Jauron finally agree to Van’s advances and meet him in the sauna after a game?

-Will I be able to eat more than 9 bags of Funions by the end of the first quarter?

-Will Van stop asking me and Marie Rice for a game of slap and tickle during each commercial break?

-Is my grotesquely overweight wife going to start wearing a bra?

-Will I be able to overcome my fear of Cheetos?

-Will I be able to find a barber willing to cut and blow dry my ear hair?

-Will I finally realize my dream of becoming the first man to ride a bike across the country buck-naked with a naked Van on the front handlebars?

-Will my old friend Stu stop calling me after getting sauced on Dirty Martini’s thinking he is calling 1-800-SKANK.

-Will the softball sized growth on my forehead grow it’s own hair?

Finally, will Ralph Wilson stop sending me autographed pictures of himself wearing nothing but a Bills helmet and 4-inch stiletto heels?