Ron Cherry

Another edition of name that Goalie folks. I want to thank the last 2 prize winners for showing up at my house thursday at 9am to redeem their prizes. It was unfortunate that I answered the door wearing only a tie and black wing tip shoes but I had a very long night the night before and was still a little tipsy.

This Goalie is well known to everyone in Western New York - first one to get it right gets to help me clean the ear mites out of my dog Blue’s ears.

Wanna see my five hole?

But Won’t Back Off Comment About Assemblyman’s Late Mother

By Ronn Chesmonde

Erie County Executive Chris Collins said that he is “extremely sorry” that he referred to Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver as “the Anti-Christ” after comparing him to Adolph Hitler during a Republican fund raising dinner last week in Buffalo.

But the County Executive sees nothing wrong with his comments describing Silver’s late mother as the “spawner of Satan.”

“Look, it is unfortunate that my inappropriate joke about Sheldon Silver being either the Anti-Christ or Adolph Hitler was taken the wrong way by a small group of intolerant downstate Jews who apparently lack senses of humor,” said Collins, taking time in his luxurious office to receive a foot massage from a 7-year-old Malaysian boy.

Collins added that he “knows a friend of a friend of literally thousands of upstate Jews who all found my comments last Saturday to be informative, insightful and refreshingly honest.”

He admits, however, that some of his jokes about Silver were “possibly delivered poorly.”

“Off the top of my head, I can think of six million reasons why a few of my lines didn’t come across as I intended,” said the laughing County Executive, who has made no secret about the fact that he aspires to higher office in New York State. “However,” added a serious Collins, “No one – not even a Jew - is going to dispute the fact that Silver’s mother is to blame for unleashing this politically corrupt Devil on the rest of the world.”

Collins said that he has already called the Assembly Speaker to explain his comments personally.  “Sheldon and I are actually great friends and he knows that I respect him both as a political adversary and as the firstborn offspring to the Mother Of The Great Satan.”

Collins says that he is looking forward to “having the media spotlight shine on someone else, like Osama Bin Laden”  in order to allow him to focus on the 2010 Governor’s race.

“I’ve already got my campaign slogan: ‘At Least Chris Collins Can See What Needs Fixing,’ said the County Executive. “Now I just need a lieutenant governor for the ticket.”

His short list of potential running mates includes embattled Irish singer Ronan Tynan, former “Hymietown” critic Jesse Jackson and Ron Hitler, a political newcomer from Long Island (no relation).

By Larry Flesler

My editor Murray Lite asked me to write a seasonal opinion article so here goes.

I enjoy the fall season, baseball is reaching its conclusion, hockey and football are well underway and basketball is just getting started.  Of course the changing colors of the leaves and crisp breeze in the air are a reminder that winter will soon be here.

I have a large yard that is a magnet to all the leaves in the neighborhood.  Raking leaves is great exercise and as I’ve been rather sedentary lately I thought I’d give it a go instead of paying my son to do it.  I put on my dungarees and flannel shirt, grabbed a pair of gloves and an old wooden rake and got busy.  I was at it for about 10 minutes before I was sweating profusely and needed a break.  I went inside for a belt and decided to call my old pal Van to see if he wanted some exercise.  He said it was a great idea and showed up about 10 minutes later.

Van was wearing a pair of overalls, no shirt, a straw hat and cowboy boots.  He was also kind enough to bring a bottle of Kamchatka Vodka.  We sat and sipped the vodka while planning our assault on the leaves.  Van suggested that we rake them into a pile in the middle of the yard and then to the curb.  We each took an area of the yard and got started.

We were at it for about 10 minutes when Van needed to take a break, he sat on the front lawn, unstrapped the top of his overalls and downed more Vodka.  My elderly neighbor Agnes was walking her dog and Van said hello.  They were soon engaged in a lengthy conversation.  I kept my distance as Agnes has a thing for anything moving.  I kept at the leaves as it looked like it might rain.

I glanced back after about 10 minutes and only saw the dog tied to my tree.  Van and Agnes were not in sight.  I walked around to the front of the yard and saw four rail thin greyish-white legs sticking out of the pile of leaves.  They were moving rather slowly and making sounds that my ‘72 Buick used to make.  I leaned into the pile of leaves and asked if everything was alright.  Agnes then pulled me in and I was sucked into the mass of sweat soaked leaves, Jean Nate perfume and Aqua Velva.  My dungarees were off in a flash and I realized that my leaves would have to wait.  I don’t remember everything that happened but I think I enjoyed myself.  We all fell asleep and awoke when it started to pour.

We gathered our clothes and our dignity and said our goodbyes.

I called my son and told him I had a lawn full of leaves that needed to be raked.

By Larry Flesler

-Ryan Fitzpatrick did an admirable job Sunday.  I admired the way he took command of the huddle and seemed to have a fantastic rapport with Coach Dick Jauron. At one point in the game, Dick almost looked like he wasn’t constipated.

-My Wife’s cooking has been a little off lately. She’s been using a new flavor enhancer called Beano, says she adds it to all of my food.

-I love walking my dog every morning, it’s very calming. I now carry  bags for the dog and myself as I was a little far from my home last week when nature called.

-I’m really going to miss Daniel Paielle - he was an average skater, average scorer and not real good defensively but gave a great foot massage.

-My granddaughter is something. She has a cute nickname for me and is a real kidder. She calls me ‘Sketchy.’ When I asked her what it meant she kicked me in the groin and ran away screaming.

-Van and I are not allowed to return to the Scotch and Sirloin for six months.  Van was a little drunk after our weekly lunch date and caused a bit of a scene: We had polished off our sirloin tips and twice-baked potato as well as four pitchers of Dewars when Van went to the can.  He was in there for 20 minutes when I went to check on him. He was sitting in the urinal asking me for toilet paper saying it was out of reach. I approached the stall to retrieve some but slipped on the urine-soaked floor, hit my head on the toilet, and was out cold. We were in there for awhile but awoke when a 7-year-old came in to use the bathroom and screamed. We were wrapped in table linens and tossed into a cab by the manager and asked to stay away for six months.

-Van wanted to go on a weekend getaway last weekend but I wasn’t able to make it.  He said he booked a room at the Grand Island Holiday Inn.  I don’t know why he picked Grand Island this time of year but he said he and Stu had a good time.  He was carrying a cushion to sit on and said he was taking penicillin when I saw him a few days ago.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Andy Rooney, he was one of the good guys.

-My back hair is now longer than the hair on my head.

-Godspeed Andy.

By Frank Brutus

Ronan Tynan, the Irish singer famous for cursing the Buffalo Sabres at the NHL’s 2006 Ice Bowl with his signature caterwauling of “God Bless America,” has cost himself a gig with the New York Yankees after making a disparaging joke to a woman that he did not know was Jewish.

Tynan: Mouth full of slivers?

According to the woman, who was waiting for a real estate agent to show her the vacant apartment next to Tynan’s, the fake-footed crooner burst out of his condominium dressed in a World War II German military outfit and sporting a tiny fake mustache.  The singer goose-stepped over to her and asked in a thick German accent, “Excuse me, but can you tell me zee difference between a Jew in a restaurant and a canoe?”

The woman, who said she immediately identified herself to Tynan as Jewish, recoiled in horror as the singer screamed “Canoes tip!”

Tynan, still wearing an Adolph Hitler mustache hours after the incident, confirmed that he made the comments but said that he only was joking.  “I was trying out my Halloween costume, that’s all.”

The Irish tenor claims that each year he celebrates Halloween by dressing up as an internationally reviled mass murderer to pay tribute to “the freedoms that we all enjoy here in the greatest country ever created by God, the United States of America.”

Tynan wondered if the prospective tenant would have been as offended if he was wearing his Idi Amin costume from last year.  “Our black doorman thought my Amin costume was the funniest thing he had ever seen,” said Tynan.  “Everyone I know in New York has a great sense of humor so I personally think that this woman is over-reacting.  It’s probably ‘that time of the month’ for her.”

Tynan’s agent, Ronald Churchill, said that the singer is disappointed that the New York Yankees have canceled Tynan’s scheduled appearance during this Friday’s playoff game but said “people with the last name ‘Stein-something’ seem to have a dimmer view of Ronan’s comments than the rest of us.”

Churchill said that he has already contacted the Yankees to offer the singing services of “Ireland’s greatest Jewish tenor, Levi Stynan.”

By Wad Rotson

Governor David Paterson sent an urgent letter to President Obama Wednesday asking for an immediate response from Washington to “neutralize a secret nuclear weapons program being operated by the Seneca Nation of Indians in upstate New York.”

Smokin' Gun?

“I have not seen the evidence personally,” wrote the NY Governor, “But I am told it is quite damning.”

In the letter, Paterson asks Obama to “immediately” send armed National Guard troops onto Seneca lands to confiscate the “building blocks” of the Native American’s nuclear arsenal, which Paterson describes as “highly enriched uranium hidden inside hundreds of thousands of cartons of untaxed Indian cigarettes.”

“By confiscating these cartons of cigarettes from the Seneca Nation, you will be saving the entire Northeast from becoming a desolate radioactive wasteland,” wrote Paterson, who also asked President Obama “to remind the Indians that, as Governor, I will not turn a blind eye toward their actions that keep New York from enjoying more than $1 billion dollars annually in uncollected tobacco sales tax revenue.  ”

Earlier this week, Paterson sent a separate letter to Washington urging Congressional support of his authority to collect taxes from any Native American tribes who sell tobacco products to non-Indian consumers in the state.

The Seneca Nation has never before been accused of pursuing nuclear weaponry or even of wanting power generated by nuclear reactors and Paterson’s letter took tribal elders by surprise.

“We’re reviewing the letter right now,” said Gene Elm.  “Would anyone like to buy some tax-free cigarettes?”

By Bob Loblaw

Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden convened a news conference on Sunday afternoon telling reporters evidence now shows that Richard Heene lied to police and is “generally a complete jackass.”

Heene reported that his six-year-old son Falcon (named after the 1974 Heene family car) had been carried away inside a helium balloon.

Now Mr. Heene claims that Falcon was not carried away in a balloon but that his son “was born with a balloon-like body and sometimes gets caught up in strong gusts of wind.”

The Ruse has obtained a picture of the boy and will continue to report on the story as details come in.

Balloon Boy Found in Attic of Garage

Ron Cherry

I just got back from walking my dog Blue and have another Name That Goalie contest.

This one will be a little tougher. First one to get it right gets to clean my backyard of Blue’s Poohs.

Do you like my V neck sweater?

By Ronn Chesmonde

Mayor Byron Brown stood amidst the majestic greenery of Delaware Park early this morning to announce that, effective immediately, the Olmsted Conservancy will be run by the former restaurateur and athlete Leonard Stokes.

Different Stokes?

“I am fully confident that Mr. Stokes learned valuable skills related to trimming, hedging and clipping while he was the the owner and operator of the now-closed One Sunset restaurant,” said the Mayor.  “And it’s about time that we put someone in charge of our most precious asset - the Olmsted Park system - who actually has the physical ability to reach all the way to the top of the tallest bushes that need to be clipped.”

The Mayor mentioned that Stokes will be joined by “an all-star cast” of lawn-care associates, including Stokes’ former benefactors Michelle Barron and Brian Davis, who both have “extensive experience making even the deadest grass look green.”  The Mayor also introduced a man he would only refer to as “Tiny,” a culinary expert who will aide Stokes and his girlfriend in the supervision of the Buffalo parks system.

Brown said that Stokes’ first order of business will be to distribute a handicapped parking permit to each new Conservancy employee, allowing them “unfettered access to park their vehicles anywhere they feel is appropriate in pursuit of making Buffalo’s parks look as beautiful as possible.”

The Mayor summarily dismissed all of the county and city employees who have been employed by the Conservancy in recent years.

“Those employees would have been satisfactory if we were living in the late 1800s,” said Brown.  “But my job as Mayor is to look to the future of this city, not its sad, misguided past.”

By Larry Flesler

The Bills - Browns game has to be one of the all time lows for the franchise.  Watching the inept offense had me pining for the days of Joe Dufek and Bruce Mathison.

.....Ahh, the good old days

Dick Jauron could make a living as a Halloween corpse.  His coaching style reminds me of my Wife in the sack: she shows up stone faced, makes a few gestures, mumbles a few inane comments and passes out.

I was able to watch the game in the press box with Mr. Ralph Wilson and his lovely wife Mary. There was supposed to be a “Hall of Fame” ring ceremony at halftime but Mr. Wilson declined to attend.  Mr. Wilson invited my Wife and I to be guests in the owners box.  My better half had to have her bunions pumiced so I brought my good friend Van instead.

The game started slowly but that didn’t seem to bother Van.  He was on his fifth Tom Collins by the end of the first quarter and kept trying to announce the game as if he was still the play by play guy.  I was trying to have a discussion with Mr. Wilson about the future of the franchise but was distracted by Van and Mary.  Van kept yelling ‘Fasten your seat belts!’ while chasing Mary around the buffet table.

By the start of the 3rd quarter Mary was holding Van in her lap like a baby, caressing his balding head.  Van was gassed, he kept asking her to change his diaper and wanted her to try his binky.  Mr. Wilson looked their way a few times between naps but otherwise seemed disinterested.

I made a few notes while asking Mr. Wilson about the team but I’m having a hard time making sense of them. When I asked Mr. Wilson if he thought a coaching change was in order, his reply was “I love Velcro.” My next question was about Trent Edwards and his ability to take this team to the next level.  Mr. Wilson’s reply: “Bacon is my favorite time of year.”  My final question came after Roscoe Parish fumbled and this one seems to make sense. I asked him if the team can come back from this devastating turn of events, his reply - “I think I just peed.”

I left a little early to beat the traffic and told Van he was on his own. He didn’t seem to mind.  When I last saw him, he was barefoot, had his shirt off and was pawing at Mary like a kitten playing with a ball of yarn.

Next week - NY Jets.