By Bob Loblaw (on Special Assignment)

While vacationing in Disney World, my boss Murray called and told me to go directly to Windermere Florida to investigate the Tiger Woods accident.

I was able to talk to a neighbor who claimed that Mr. Woods had indeed been chased down the driveway by his Wife as she was striking the SUV with a golf club. He became distracted and crashed his SUV.

His face was allegedly scratched by his non-alleged hot wife while discussing with her that his alleged affair with a NYC party planner was about to become public.

Disfigured Woods after the 'Accident'

I then obtained the following image showing the disfigured Woods right after the accident.

More details as the story unfolds.

This video speaks for itself.

After Scott Niedermeyer was announced last night, he skated over to the fans and attempted to hand his stick to a little girl. Another fan tried to grab it from her, and a fight ensued, men, women and children.
We Love Hockey!!

By Ronn Chesmonde

Thanks to my wife (who left me three weeks ago, taking our two kids and leaving me with a hefty mortgage payment and an order of protection), I can finally participate in the shopping tradition known as Black Friday. Here are just a few strategies to remember when you venture out on the day after Thanksgiving to take advantage of the area’s Holiday shopping deals:

1.  Keep your elbows up.
Many shoppers forget how effective the human elbow is for warding off other prospective buyers.  A stiff shot to the bridge of the nose will effectively stop a charging shopper in their tracks, leaving her lying unconscious in a pool of her own blood and leaving you with one of those hard-to-get fake hamsters that seem to be the rage this year.

2. Protective equipment makes you look stupid but it works.
I’m not embarrassed to say that I’ll be wearing a hockey helmet, knee pads and a sturdy cup when I line up at 3:00 am for Walmart’s Black Friday deals.  The right equipment helps to minimize the need for using strategy #1.

3. Use personal stench to your strategic advantage.
Let’s be honest: most real men like me only stop drinking on Thanksgiving because our wives don’t want us driving the family home in an inebriated haze.  But since my wife “solved” that “problem” for me when she “abandoned” me last month, I can start boozing at 7am Thanksgiving Day and keep going straight through ’till late Sunday night.  Which means I am going to reek in the Wal-Mart Black Friday line after I start dropping my patented “Silent But Deadlies,” which are always brought on by the copious amounts of Gordon’s Gin that I consume during the holidays.  I plan to use the resulting 12-foot-diameter circle of noxious personal space to get a head-start on my competition after both the doors and my colon burst wide open.

4. Falsely accuse a minority of taking your stuff.
I perfected this strategy with my older brother during Halloween when we realized that we could just take candy from the unfortunate kids who had been determined by American society to have less rights than us.  This saved us hours of wasted doorbell-ringing and we ended up with a lot more candy.  Pick the minority carefully, though. I recommend non-English speakers as police officers will always give someone the benefit of the doubt when he knows the language of the good-old USA.  Just find a cart full of desirable product being pushed by someone who looks like they were born abroad and call for security immediately.  It never hurts to have an accomplice who “witnessed” your cart being taken by the darker-skinned suspect.  And take it from my personal experience: if you use an African American female as the mark with this strategy you may get a shopping cart full of deals but you will probably not escape the parking lot with your life.

5. Skip Black Friday sales altogether and head straight to the nearest bar.
The more I write about Black Friday strategies, the more I realize that I prefer drinking over shopping.  See you at Kronie’s!

By Larry Flesler

Thanksgiving Dinner was at my house this year and it was a great day for relaxing with family and close friends.

My Wife and Daughter were busy in the kitchen while Van, Stu, Wadi, Marie and I relaxed in my living room and watched Football on my new 27″ Magnavox.  My daughter gave me the TV as a birthday gift this year and I was proud to show it off.
Wadi and Marie brought finger food while Van and Stu were in charge of the booze.  Wadi made cocktail weenies while Marie brought her famous 5-alarm corn dogs.  Van and Stu brought wine, beer and six bottles of Dewar’s although one of the bottles was nearly empty when they arrived.
We enjoyed pleasant conversation while waiting for the big meal, the topics ranging from sports, politics, religion to how to properly remove a bunion.  We finished off our second bottle of Dewar’s and the finger food was vanishing rapidly - good times.
I always try to steer the conversation away from politics as Van is a raging liberal while Wadi and Stu are more conservative.  Things got a little heated when the topic of global warming came up. They were shouting a bit when I excused myself to visit the commode as Marie’s 5-alarm corn dogs affected me badly.

When I returned, Van had Wadi in a full nelson while Stu and Marie were half naked rolling around on my imitation leather barcalounger.  I left Van and Wadi alone to ‘fight it out’ like two hockey players and almost found myself engaged in a Devil’s triangle with Marie and Stu but remembered my wife and daughter were nearby.

I decided to leave my friends alone for awhile and paid a visit to my wife and daughter.
I poked my head in the kitchen, barely able to see my wife through the wall of smoke from her True Blue 100’s and asked how things were coming along. She turned and glared at me, grabbed a ceramic bowl of hot gravy and threw it in my direction while screaming “I’m doing the best I can, Fatty!”

‘I guess she’s almost there,’ I thought to myself as I returned to the living room.

Van and Wadi were done wrestling and Stu was pouring Schlitz on my barcalounger trying to free Marie’s bare backside from the imitation leather. The room was a mess - the cocktail weenies and corn dogs were everywhere and it smelled of Old Spice, Dewar’s, Schlitz and Jean Nate’.

My innards were gurgling like a chemist’s lab and I was repeating like a civil war cannon. I thought it best to excuse myself, grabbed a bottle of Dewar’s and made my way to the quiet solitude of my basement.

I sat and waited for my stomach to reach it’s boiling point and thought how thankful I was for family and good friends.

Local politician laments decision to take “only” $2000.

By Hardy Astrom

Speaking publicly for the first time since his resignation from the Common Council, Brian Davis showed regret and remorse for his decision to funnel barely $2000 into his personal accounts.  In an interview given exclusively to the Buffalo Ruse, Davis said he most regrets being such a poor example to the kids in his district.  Davis had hoped he could lure city kids off the streets, and into a life of political and financial fraud.

Davis felt like he had set the groundwork for a lucrative and inspirational career.  “After all of my criminal activity for the last seven years, I walk out with barely two grand?  I let those kids down.  They deserve to have me arrested for stealing millions.”  Davis had hoped to secure a more scandalous and profitable payday to compete with the drug dealers and thieves who often serve as role models to inner city youth.

Davis started his political career in 2002 and quickly became the subject of liens and court judgments against him.  “I wanted to let the kids know I was a thief right off the bat.  They looked up to me instead of the dealers on the corner.”  Davis hoped to lure kids into white collar theft.  “It’s just more safer,” he stated.

To connect with kids, Davis often scheduled speaking engagements at schools and community centers that he never attended to make him more ”role-modely” to kids.  “The only way I could get their attention was to repeatedly disappoint them.  They began to look at me like a dad.  And an NFL star.  And a rapper.  And an NBA player.  And the Buffalo Bills.  And an American strip joint.”

Davis recounted the Christmas events he never followed through on as some of his proudest moments.  “We had over seven hundred kids come out for a ‘Night With Santa’ down at the City Mission.  It was the most wonderful event I’ve ever backed out of.  Those kids were devastated.  No presents, no Santa; nothing.  As a father figure I was telling them, ‘I ain’t got time for you.  I can’t be playin’ games wit you.  You never gonna be nothin’ if you waitin’ for handout.  You got to go out and get yours.”  Davis said a spike in credit card thefts and internet fraud charges in the Ellicott District told him he was reaching the kids he cared so much about.

Davis said his involvement with the Sunset Grille and the mounting court decisions against him had paved the way for a huge scandal.  Then he says, he lost focus.  “I started tackling issues and serving the public for a while there.  I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do but sometimes you just get caught up and before you realize it, you lose touch with the people you’re really trying to reach, the ones who need you to steal the most.”

“I’m very sorry to the 32,000 people who voted for and supported me.  I failed them and and I apologize.”  Davis said he hopes to make it up to his former contingency by taking families to Disney World this winter.  “First comes Christmas.  Then Disney.”

He hopes his efforts will give him another chance to let down the kids he hopes to inspire.  If not, he’s prepared to do what it takes.

“I’ll kill somebody if I gotta.”

Titans Owner Bud Adams Reacts To Bills Fans

By Jerry Mulligan

I drove home from work yesterday still thinking about the Bills latest collapse and decided to stop in at my favorite watering hole (Cole’s) to see if my old friend Max Barr was there.

I walked in and, sure as me never getting any, there was Max sitting at the bar nursing what looked to be a tall glass of Johnny Walker Red with three shot glasses lined up for backup drinks.

I grabbed the bar stool next to him, slapped him on the back and said “Hi Max, whats new?’”

Max turned to me with bloodshot eyes and drool coming from his mouth and said “F@#k off, moron!”

“Hey why the terse response?”

“No reason, I just think your a moron” said Max.

“Well, I’m just here to talk about the Bills and next year’s draft,”  I said.

“Why don’t we talk about you and your pathetic writing ability, or about you thinking that anyone in this town would give a rat’s behind about your golf game or the Red Sox? Or we can talk about you sexting me every Friday night when you come home sauced and lonely,” said Max.

“Uh you must be mistaken, I ahh, um, would never do that.”

“Well lets look at the old cell phone,” replied Max.  “Here it is.  I’ll read it to you - y do I want u so much, I am not wearing pants. It was sent last Friday at 11:45 pm.  My guess is you just made it home from Friday’s after being shot down by all of the women in the place.  And please stop sending raunchy photos of yourself with the text messages, they sicken me.”

“Uh, I just remembered I have a deadline.  See you later Max.”

Local Superintendent Circles the Globe to Find Education Perfection

Editors Note:  Shortly after the recording of this interview, the subject asked the Ruse not to print it in its entirety.  In order to protect the subject’s privacy, his identity has been changed in the following interview.

Dom Voseo and the District of Glarence have been involved in a teacher exchange with Hexi school district in China for the past several years.  I spoke with Dr. Voseo about the benefits of the program.

Hardy Astrom:  Dr. Voseo, Glarence has been rated in the top two Western New York districts for the last 10 years.  Why go to China for education tips?

VOSEO:  Because they score better on standardized tests than American schools do.

HA:  How do they achieve this?

VOSEO:  Well, in a number of ways.  They pack kids, 30-40 into classrooms completely devoid of color, from 8-5, and they engage in rote learning and drill work for most of that time.  Our kids are wasting a tremendous amount of time learning things that can’t be appropriately assessed.

HA:  What kinds of things are American kids doing that the Chinese kids don’t.

VOSEO:  Things like character education, social studies, and a lot of other non-assessable nonsense.

HA:  I would think that social studies would be an important area of study.

VOSEO:  Not until the 5^th grade test, smarty.  Until then, all these kids need to know is that China is kicking our ass in math and language arts.  We need to take the kid gloves off.  In fact we need to drop the gloves completely if we’re to catch up with other area districts.

VA:  But you’re in the top two.

VOSEO:  Two is for losers, and if I’m not mistaken, it comes after one.  The district believes that every child in school, starting at the third grade testing level, should be at the level of 4 in standardized tests.  That’s the highest level.  And unless they are profoundly retarded, they should reach the level of 4.

HA:  Isn’t that statistically impossible?

VOSEO:  Not in China.  The bell curve doesn’t exist there because kids that don’t excel are kicked out of the good high schools and will never go to college.  They are statistically eliminated from the educational system, and will be streamlined into sneaker engineering.  Problem solved.

HA:  Aren’t there some human rights issues there?

VOSEO:  Well, I’m not going to split hairs with you about how the goals are achieved, I’m just saying that Glarence would like to beat Williamsville, be a lot more like China, and I only spent $29 on these sneakers. 

HA:  Many readers would think character education would be an important component of an educational experience in the U.S.

VOSEO:  As a superintendent of a very successful school district, with over 27 years in the field, I feel qualified enough to judge a pair of sneakers, and whoever’s little fingers laced these up wasn’t wasting time learning how to be nice to people.  Let’s look at it another way; imagine what my living room would be like if we took mediocre kids out of the college track and put them into the assembly line arts at the age of 11.  I’d have a home theater Yao Ming would envy.  He’s Chinese.

HA:  How do the Chinese teachers enjoy Western New York?

VOSEO:  Enjoyment hasn’t been introduced to the east, and we’ve been instructed to not send them back all ‘uppity’. We have a Chinese friend who packs them into his small home in Amherst.  He charges them a bunch of money, they aren’t allowed to look out the windows, and they return to China none the wiser to basic human rights.

HA:  That sounds kind of un-American.

VOSEO: 

HA:  Like, not in a tradition most Americans would find acceptable.

VOSEO:  Well…Chinese people enjoy being swept under the rug.  They like it there.

HA:  Even in America?

VOSEO:  Check the tag; the rugs are made in China, so yes, they’re very comfortable. 

ABC show uses every resource attempting to make West Side fit for habitation.

By Hardy Astrom

Carpenter and host of the show, Ty Pennington, said his team of designers and construction workers began work a day later than expected, unable to pinpoint the exact location of the West Side’s neediest family.

“We actually started working on a house a few blocks down the street,” Pennington confessed.  “We realized we were at the wrong location when a gentleman named ‘Pookie’ was killed on the front porch.  A police officer responding to his strangling steered us in the right direction.”  Pennington added that Mr. Pookie’s home would have qualified for the show as well.

The fact that there seemed to be an endless supply of wretched, neglected homes proved to be the show’s demise.  “We just didn’t know where one project ended and the next began,” Pennington said.  “We just hope to God this city doesn’t have an East Side,” he added.

Originally planned to refurbish a home on Massachusetts Avenue, Extreme Makeover expanded the scope of its original project quite by accident.  Area residents posing as volunteers first assisted work crews, then began walking off with tools and supplies.  Pennington noticed some changes to neighborhood homes as he drove in and out of the West Side each day.

“I thought, ‘That’s a really nice shrine to the Virgin Mary’,” Pennington said.  “I was impressed at a few outdoor craps tables that were erected overnight.  Then I realized it was our stuff.”  After he reported it to Buffalo Police, Pennington realized he was in one of the more depressing neighborhoods he’s visited since the show began.

“I quickly learned why it’s known as ’The City of Poor Neighbors.’  Looking around we couldn’t believe anyone could sit by and watch this continue.  So we just worked on every house we could until the materials ran out.”

Pennington said the severity of the area’s poverty hit him shortly after Mayor Byron Brown sent councilman Brian Davis to the neighborhood as an ambassador. Ironically, Davis was arrested for stealing while shaking hands with Pennington.

“He asked, but I had to tell him we we won’t be doing any more houses.  Then he asked if I wanted to invest in the Sunset Restaurant or something like that.”  Pennington said he was not looking to invest in a restaurant at this time.