By Frank Brutus

Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams has purchased this Buffalo Ruse article space in order to relate the following message to Western New Yorkers:

Dear Buffalo Residents and Buffalo Bills Football Fans:

I am Bud Adams, the owner of the Tennesee Titans.  Last week, after my football team earned a hard-fought victory against your football team, the Buffalo Bills, I displayed behavior that was both inexcusable and embarrassing.

I have spent the last seven days reflecting on my inappropriate actions and would like to convey the following message to Western New Yorkers everywhere:

To the extreme few of you who live and work in Western New York who aren’t 100% [expletive deleted], please accept my deepest apologies.

But for the majority of you [expletive deleted], I am convinced that what has happened to the Bills in the past ten years has been a direct result of your godless, morally destructive ways.  In my years and years of experience as an owner in the National Football League, I have come to believe that there is something physically and morally wrong with each and every person who considers himself a fan of the Buffalo Bills.

You are grotesque and deformed and you smell like cologne made from cheap cigarette smoke and stale urine.  You each deserve what is happening to your football team.

In the past seven days, I have been filled with regret that I acted in the manner that I did.

Yet I also have experienced a deep-seated sense of satisfaction that could only come from knowing that the rest of your miserable football season will be the equivalent of having your fingernails pried off of your fat, stubby fingers by a pliers-wielding Dick Jauron.

In the past few days I have come to accept that I, Bud Adams, a multi-billionaire with unwavering class and flair, lowered myself last week to your prehistorical upstate NY level by shooting you all “the bird.”

I realize and readily admit that none of you Buffalo Bills supporters deserved that.

What you all do deserve, however, is some sort of nuclear accident that makes your entire region uninhabitable for the next 65,000 years.

Again, please accept my apologies for acting like a member of one of your species last week and please remember:
[Expletive deleted], you [expletive deleted][expletive deleted] faces!
And [expletive deleted] you, Buffalo!

Sincerely,

Bud Adams
Owner, Tennessee Titans Football Team

By Larry Flesler

-The Bills Bye week couldn’t have come at a better time. I forgot they were off when I started to get my game day supplies together and realized I only had a half bottle of Dewar’s left.  Whew, that was a close one.

-My daughter is getting married and has offered to pay for dancing lessons for me and the Wife.  She also is sending me to an etiquette and hygiene class.

-Judge Judy is a looker and gets me randy whenever I watch her.  My Wife has to fend off my advances for hours after the show.

-I had a chance to be at the Extreme Makeover announcement Saturday morning.  Van and I were in the area after a night of boozing at the Left Bank.  We met there at 4:30 pm for the early bird special and stayed until they ran out of Dewar’s and Black Velvet.  Not real sure what happened after that but we were both passed out between a few houses on Massachusetts Ave. when we awoke to that skinny fella with the pointy hair yelling ‘Good Morning Powell Family!’  It was a strange scene: Van was wearing a top hat and black teddy and I had on just my underwear and square-toed cowboy boots when we stumbled out in front of the house while trying to gain our composure.  We then heard someone scream CUT and were driven home in the back of a squad car.

-Van and I just started an adult swim class.  We were getting tired of the same old dames at our weekly mall walking (or as Van calls it, “Mall Stalking”) so we joined a swim/exercise class.  Van insisted on shaving every hair on his body before the first class so he would be more agile in the pool.  He sported a high-rise speedo for our first class and was a hit with the crowd.

-My wife stopped buying Old Spice deodorant for me.  She says I smell worse with it on than just my regular odor.  She’s probably trying to get a better whiff of my pheromones.

-I hate leaves.

-I have been eating my weight in Taquito’s lately.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Tom Bosley from Happy Days.  He was one of the good ones.

-I can’t wait for that first snowfall.  My wife makes me a cup of hot cocoa if I shovel our 300′ long driveway to her liking every year.

-Godspeed Mr. C.

By Enis Yokin

The Christmas shopping season starts earlier every year. As soon as I remove the eggs, soap, toilet paper and dog fecal matter from my house from Halloween night it’s off to the mall for me.

I have received many gift ideas from my fans and will share them with you in order of popularity:

1. Born in Buffalo tee shirts and hoodies - this has been called the ‘gift of the year’ by many of you. They are available at Born in Buffalo and my favorite design is shown below.

I'd Rather Be Snowed In

2. I have to lie down for a nap, check back later and I’ll see if I’m up to writing anything more.

By Ronn Chesmonde

Governor David Paterson proudly unveiled New York’s new “retro” license plate design yesterday and announced that he will push for a law that requires state residents to have at least one “plainly visible license plate on their person at all times.”

WTF-UGLY!

“Everyone forgets that license plates are not meant to identify automobiles,” announced the embattled Governor from the steps of his luxurious mansion in Albany.  “They are used to identify people.  I am proud to say that these plates will make New York a safer place to live, work, play, pay taxes and struggle to raise a family of four.”

The Governor said the new License Plate law will inspire “a wonderful fashion statement for those New Yorkers who don’t own cars” but who will nonetheless be required to have a license plate with them at all times.

The Governor held up handbags, wallets and jean jackets that all had been modified to include one of the retro-designed license plates.  “My critics say this is an attempt to boost revenue in a declining economy,” said Paterson.  “I couldn’t disagree more.  My administration and I are merely giving New Yorkers more options when it comes to accessorizing while I work tirelessly to keep our state safe from terrorists who seek to destroy our fashionable way of life.”

“Each $60.00 plate has a number that is unique to the owner and is valid for six months,” said the Governor.  “All NY State residents ages seven and older will be expected to purchase one by June 1st or face being deported to Texas.”

By Frank Brutus

“This is a definite Christmas-comes-early situation, yo,” said Jermaine Sproule, an East Side resident who was among the hundreds of Western New York career criminals that showed up Saturday to plan their robbery of the estate being built by ABC’s ‘Extreme Makeover Home Edition’ on Buffalo’s Massachusetts Avenue.

Fitzgibbon: Likes what he sees.

Convicted felons, some from as far away as Albion and Attica, all predicted that the house being built for the Powell family, who emigrated to the United States from Jamaica in 1989, would be stripped of its most valuable contents “by Thanksgiving at the latest.”

“The producers clearly weren’t thinking when they selected this neighborhood,” said Stan Fitzgibbon, a seven-time convicted burglar from Cheektowaga whose parole runs out in 2013.  “I haven’t had a reason to rob a house in the Lower West Side for over ten years but I’ll tell you right now, I like what I see being constructed on this lot.”

Ty Pennington, the host of the popular show, noted that when sparkling new homes are built in run-down city neighborhoods, the reaction is universal among the criminal community.  “This isn’t just a Buffalo phenomenon,” he said.  “We see the same thing in Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland.  Every home we build in the poor rust belt cities are generally stripped bare within three months of their construction.”

Buffalo Police Chief H. McCarthy Gipson confirmed that his department had already filled out the robbery report for the home.  “We left the date blank and room to add some specific items to the list of what we already know is going to get stolen, like that Corian counter they’re dragging in right now,” said Gipson, shaking his head.  “It’s like giving a fur coat to a homeless person.”

Pennington said that although the ensuing crime is an unfortunate reality, “it’s not our problem to deal with.  We’re just the builders.”

He added that the National Rifle Association now contacts recipients of new homes to arrange for “complimentary 24-hour armed security.”

Ron Cherry

Ok, so far this has been too easy - no hints this time and this time the lucky winner will get a great prize.

The first one to get it right gets to join me in my Hot Tub, I’ll even clip my toe nails for you.

Like My Generic Stick?