Mayor:  “Someday this is eventually going to be awesome at some point in the future.”

By Hardy Astrom

The City of Buffalo has announced that it has obtained an agreement in principle with Bass Pro to construct a new bridge replacing the outdated Peace Bridge. Bass Pro officials, who have yet to break ground on a superstore at the site of the recently deconstructed Memorial Auditorium, are excited about the prospect of building a signature bridge.
Mark Cornwall, spokesman for Bass Pro, made the announcement Tuesday. “We’re pleased to announce a letter of intent indicating our probable intention to build ‘Bass Pro’s Ugly Stik Spinning Rod Bridge’.” The bridge, named for Bass Pro’s top selling ultra lite fishing rod, has yet to be designed.
Mayor Byron Brown, speaking from his International Bridge Resource Center in Raleigh, North Carolina, expressed his excitement, and welcomed the outdoor giant’s fresh ideas.
“We have decided to dismiss all of the previous designs for structures that might have someday joined Canada and the U.S.” he said in a telephone interview. “In our dealings with Bass Pro, we have come to expect great expectations. And the City expects to anticipate a great plan that Buffalo and Fort Erie can look forward to expecting to enjoy looking ahead to in the years to come.”
Opponents to the joint business enterprise between the City and Bass Pro needed only to reflect on the lack of progress with the pair’s first unfinished venture.
“Unstarted, actually,” commented Dominic Fragale, founder of ‘ResponsAccounailiTy”, or RAT, a local political watchdog group. “At our most recent organizational meeting, which was called in response to this announcement, we spent the first 45 minutes in silence. A group of over 150 activists were literally speechless, if you can believe that.” Fragale added that his group would begin organizing protests immediately, perhaps even beating Bass Pro to the punch. “One suggestion was to see if we could build our own bridge before Bass Pro gets started. We could probably build it using the bodies of citizens who have died since Bass Pro first promised us a store.”
Mayor Brown strongly disagrees with Fragale’s group. “Logistically speaking I have serious doubts as to whether Buffalo based corpses would make for a structurally sound bridge. I’m no expert, but just considering decomposition….I mean….I don’t think that would work at all. Though if Bass Pro presented us with a carcass signature bridge I would certainly sign on. In the context of Bass Pro at the helm of a dead body bridge, I find it rather exciting.”