By Larry Flesler

-I love the idea of Tim Tebow in Buffalo, not as a Buffalo Bill but as my personal, on-call masseuse.

-I hope Tiger Woods returns to golf sooner rather than later. The game needs him badly. As much as I love golf, the thought of watching the likes of Colin ‘Mrs Doubtfire’ Montgomerie, Phil ‘I need a Mansier’ Mickelson and Rocco ‘Taco’ Mediate is not getting me too jazzed about the upcoming season.

-Speaking of Golf, John Daly announced he is retiring from golf after missing his second cut in as many tries at Torey Pines. The tour needs Big John.  His drinking, smoking, swearing and carousing is just what the PGA needs.  Seeing Daly is like watching Nascar: if you watch long enough you’re bound to see him crash and burn.

-My favorite movie for 2009 was Michael Jackson’s ‘This Is It.’  I own a copy and have perfected most of his moves. Van and I have watched it over 100 times. My moonwalk is OK but watching Van moonwalk wearing nothing but square-toed cowboy boots is sublime.

-I haven’t had a good bowel movement in about 7 weeks.

-I always thought Pinky Tuscadero was hotter than her sister Leather.

-I love March Madness.  My pick is Syracuse.  Duke will not make it to the Final Four…too many white guys.

-I watched the State of The Union Address last week just to catch a glimpse of Nancy Pelosi.  Whenever I see her my belt buckle hits the floor.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Burt Reynolds.  I loved him on Magnum P.I.

-I adopted my 9th cat last week.

-Godspeed Burt, Higgins is waiting for you.

By Bob Loblaw, On Assignment in Washington

President Barack Obama held a  State of The Union Address Wednesday.  Here is my review:

Is Biden Sleeping Again?

Proposed new ‘Sex Tax’ on all politicians: Politicians will have to pay $10,000 for every sex act performed outside of marriage. Anticipated revenue: $17 million.  Nancy Pelosi is upping the ante by offering $20,000 for anyone willing to engage with her in heavy petting.

$40 million construction bill: $30 million is earmarked for the massive ongoing project for Nancy Pelosi’s reconstruction.

Rush Limbaugh Flatulence Tax: Retroactive to 1994, revenue projected to exceed $70 million.

Child Obesity Initiative: Michelle Obama will start a program aimed at the alarming rate of child obesity in the US.  The first event will be the ‘Rolling of the Fat Kids’ on the White House lawn in place of the annual Easter Egg Roll.

Proposed ‘Sin Tax’: Taxes will be increased on Alcohol, Tobacco, Fatty Foods and Pornography.  Congress was reassured that it would not pertain to them.

The President also revealed that Jon Edwards is the father of the eight children born to the ‘OctoMom.’

The speech was cut short as Joe Biden looked increasingly uncomfortable during the address and was said to have soiled himself.

Pelosi: "Help Me."

By Larry Flesler, Special Get Fit Series

My upper body is starting to recover from my recent workouts.  My left cornea still has some damage from Van’s talon-like finger nails and I have some nasty looking scabs but I’m otherwise healthy so it’s time for some cardio.

I’ll be honest, I don’t like cardio.  I find it boring.  I can’t just walk on a treadmill or ride a stationary bike for 30 or 40 minutes without going completely insane.  My good pal Van suggested that we join some kind of a themed-workout group to keep our interest.  He grabbed the yellow pages and looked for a Jane Fonda or Jack Lalanne type workout group.  To our surprise we could not find one but he did find an interesting place called “Jazzercize.”  He gave them a call and they encouraged us to stop in and check the place out.

Van splashed on some Hi Karate and threw on a pair of shorts and a muscle shirt.  “Why are you getting dressed in workout gear, I thought we were just going to check it out?” I asked.  “If I’m going to get any action tonight I’ve gotta show off the goods,” said Van.  He then put on some really thick socks that bunched up around the top of his Chuck Taylor high-tops.  He also sported a headband and two wrist bands.

We decided to stop at the Scotch and Sirloin on the way to grab a quick salad.  We grabbed a table and a waitress came right over to take our order.  I ordered the house salad and a tap water as I was trying to be mindful of my diet.  Van ordered the Sirloin Tips covered in mushrooms, onions and gravy with a “Clams Casino” appetizer and a Southern Comfort Manhattan.  Van is a slow chewer and insisted on ordering three more drinks so we were there for quite a while.

Van kept saying that I would not lose any weight at the glorified dance class called “Jazzercise” and got up from the table to show me what type of moves I should expect to be doing while paying a steep membership fee.  It was quite a scene for the lunch crowd as Van kept doing moves like the Cha-Cha, a strange Salsa-like number that had him bent over backwards in my lap and even included an attempt at break dancing. We were there for about an hour.  By now Van had had about six Manhattan’s and was starting to slur his words.

Van then visited the other diners asking them if they wanted to arm wrestle. To my surprise someone took him up on his offer.

An elderly obese woman agreed, rolled up her sleeve and off they went.  She won easily and nearly snapped his arm in two.  Van screamed that she cheated, then tried to smash a ketchup bottle over her head but swung wildly, missed and fell to the floor.  The bottle must have smashed under him as he had ketchup all over him.  I was helping him up when he noticed the ketchup stains.  Van started weeping and whispered to me, “I’m dying.  Tell your Wife I love her.”

Needless to say I was a little embarrassed and wanted to get the hell out of there.  I grabbed a handful of twenty dollar bills from my money clip, tossed them to the bartender and made a smooth exit.

Next week: Legs.

Firm chooses court appointed attorney, and will defend itself from itself.

By Hardy Astrom

In what many in the legal profession are calling, “The Holy Grail,” local personal injury firm Cellino and Barnes will be suing itself for and defending itself from negatively impacting the mental state of thousands of Western New Yorkers.  And because of a strange decision in the courts, they will be paid for both roles.

Bad Touch

The Cellino and Barnes website recently began offering, “legal counsel for PTSD resulting from a visual assault from both shiny domed, and thick-browed prostitutes”.  Accompanying the offer is a video that thousands of area TV viewers have been forced to watch during Buffalo Sabres broadcasts.  Unannounced, the two pop up at the bottom of the screen, with unnatural tans and what many describe as “smarmy dispositions.”  While unnerving and moderately hideous, few would seem to suffer long term damage.

Tim Morris, a spokesman for the firm, said the response was immediate.  “Thousands,” he said, speaking of the number of inquiries.  “The advertisements are obviously so offensive that they seem to have a profound effect on people, both mentally and emotionally.  Look at those guys.  It’s like the devil just rose out of Hell and into your living room.  The nervous system is simply not able to handle what the eyes are feeding it.”

Essentially, the firm is luring people to initiate litigation against itself.  Many wonder why.

“What those people don’t know,” says UB law professor Peter Pilliod, “is that Cellino and Barnes has reached an agreement with the State to provide defense lawyers to the court, at the taxpayers expense.  They will essentially be getting paid to defend themselves from this litigation.”  Asked if this is an exploitation of the system and taxpayer money, Pilliod said only, “You’re dealing with legal perverts.  They are fondling the genitals of the Constitution.”

Cellino and Barnes would still stand to lose money if any judgment was ruled against them.  ”Boy, you never know,” said Morris.  “The only thing you can do is set up an appointment and see if you are going to be really rich, really soon.”

By Frank Brutus

“We’ve got pellet guns, handguns, shotguns, semi-automatic weapons.  Everything a gun enthusiast could possibly want we will be selling at prices that will fit nicely into budgets of all shapes and sizes.”

Mayor Brown: Offering Bang for Bucks.

Those were the words of Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, who stood on the steps of City Hall yesterday to announce the city’s first ever “Gun Sell Back” program.  The Mayor described the “Sell Back” as the “next logical step” in the evolution of his administration’s progressive revenue-producing policies that will “simultaneously make our coffers fuller and our streets safer.”

The Mayor, who initiated a weapons “Buy Back” program for each of the last four years, said “the time is right to give something back to the gun enthusiasts who have so generously supported the ‘Buy Back’ program for the past few years.  Since last January 20th, my administration has fielded numerous inquiries about selling guns to white Buffalonians who populate the city’s north and south sides.  I am proud to say that as of today we will happily comply with their request to purchase a weapon from the City of Buffalo.”

The Mayor noted that the “Gun Sell Back” will not be limited to the city’s white gun enthusiasts.  “We’re anticipating that people from every race, creed, religion and income level will purchase guns at this event,” said Brown, who predicts that the “Gun Sell Back” will ultimately reduce crime in the city.  “If criminals plan to perpetrate a crime after the “Gun Sell Back,” they’ll have no way of knowing if the citizen they plan to mug just bought a gun from my “Sell Back” event.  Why would they risk their own lives trying to rob a law-abiding and freshly-armed citizen?”

Jermaine Sproule, a small-time criminal who makes a living “recycling” abandoned car stereos and custom auto parts, said he plans to sleep outside City Hall in his “borrowed” car to ensure he has a good place in line when the doors are opened on Saturday morning for the Gun Sell Back.  “I called ahead to see what the deal is and the lady told me to bring cash or a money order and my library card for identification.’  I’m there, yo.”

By Bob Loblaw Special One On One Interview Series

The Buffalo Ruse recently sat down with Irish Tenor Ronan Tynan for an exclusive interview: click here for audio interview with Ronan.

I Like To Dress In Layers

The Ruse will be adding more interviews in the coming weeks.

By Ronn Chesmonde

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph C. Wilson Jr. thinks new head coach Chan Gailey looks “hotter than a four-alarm fire” when he’s wearing the red, size 16 dress given to him by the Bills 91-year-old owner.

Gailey: Lady In Red.

“The last few years we haven’t had a coach who looked classy dressed as a lady,” Wilson said Thursday from his home in Michigan.

“Chan Gailey is the new black,” Wilson said, growling like a cat in heat. “He’s the Lady Gaga of the NFL.”

Wilson acknowledged that the Bills’ streak of seven straight seasons without a cross-dressing coach has weighed on him as much as everyone else. It’s the longest stretch of fashion futility of its kind in team history.

“It’s been painful,” Wilson said. “I remember the silky satin underwear that Chuck Knox used to show off to the team on game day and the special underwire bra that Marv Levy kept in a cedar lined box especially for the playoffs.  I can’t tell you how badly I’ve missed a coach who could sip brandy while wearing stiletto heels in my Florida room during the off season. ”

Asked about the Bills’ pursuit of big-name coaches Mike Shanahan and Bill Cowher, Wilson said, “Shanahan’s sagging behind and Cowher’s abnormally-shaped hips were both unflattering when they put on the dress.”

“We were not looking for big names, we were looking for somebody who looks fantastic in shimmering taffeta,” Wilson said. “We hired Buddy and I gave him the dress and Chan Gailey looked the best in it. Now we’re trying to go forward.”

Beyond that, Wilson would not be lured into a discussion about the Bills’ process for finding Gailey a matching purse for the dress.

“There’s been speculation all over the place about what goes with the dress,” Wilson said. “There’s 500 matching accessories the media can speculate on but I’m not going there.  We gave Chan the dress. He put it on.  I became aroused.  He’s the new coach.  End of story.”

By Frank Brutus

Collins: "My campaign will last this long."

Erie County Executive Chris Collins has found himself on the hot seat once again after a State legislator overheard the prospective gubernatorial candidate advising a female companion on how best to get a seat at the crowded State of the State address offered by current Governor David Paterson.

A spokeswoman for the County Executive said yesterday that Collins is “absolutely 100% sorry that he was misheard saying something he doesn’t even remember at this point.”  Collins himself vehemently denied using either of the words “lap” or “dance” and instead offered each of the following phrases that he says he whispered loudly to his female companion during the Governor’s speech:

1. “Don’t look now but I think the Governor just gave me a sap glance.”
2. “Have you heard about Channel 4 weatherman Mike Cejka’s new ass-less chap stance?”
3. “Would you like this seat while I excuse myself?  I’m pretty sure I just crapped my pants.”
4. “Wow, check out Lynn Marinelli’s ‘back door.’  It’s getting bigger than a map of France.”
5. “I don’t know why it burns so badly when I urinate.  I probably have gonorrhea.  Could that explain my flat-u-lance?”

The County Executive claimed he was engaged in a private conversation “with a dear old friend” whom he met at the Colony Lounge on Hertel Avenue during a Six Sigma conference last March and that his comments to her have been “twisted by my sworn enemies beyond all recognition, including my own.”

Collins says this is not the first time that words he didn’t even say have been inappropriately used against him.  “It’s just another example of political genocide,” said Collins.  “It’s no different than the Holocaust, except this time the only victim is me, Chris Collins.  Activist.  Reformer.  Genius.  Once again I have proof that the political elite in this state are clearly threatened by my greatness.”

Collins said he was “unswayed” by polls showing 90% of likely voters living in Manhattan consistently but incorrectly identify him as the inventor of The Garden Weasel.

By Jerry Mulligan, Ruse Sports Editor-At-Large

"I Guess So."

Former Georgia Tech coach Chan Gailey reluctantly agreed to take the head coach job offered by the Buffalo Bills after his wife Laurie told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to “buck up and bring home some bacon or I am leaving you tonight, Chan.”

The offer to Gailey was officially extended to the former offensive coordinator of the Miami Dolphins only after Leslie Brady, the head coach of Buffalo’s Burgard Vocational School Varsity Girl’s soccer team said she needed to “talk it over at length with my dad” after the Bills offered her the coaching reins in Buffalo.

According to Bills GM Buddy Nix, Gailey “rocketed” to the top of the Bills list of prospective coaches when “candidate after candidate” ranked ahead of Gailey rejected Nix’s offer to coach the hapless Buffalo football team.  “Some of them wouldn’t even call me back,” said Nix.  “They communicated electrically over the Interweb using Twister and MyFace to tell my assistants ‘no.’  It’s been a long few months but Buffalo’s long national league nightmare is finally over.”

Gailey’s track record of never beating his in-state rival University of Georgia was just one of the qualities that made him “150th on the list of perfect coaches” for the Bills said Nix.  “Chan is a proven ‘yes man’ who couldn’t demand a lot of Mr. Wilson’s money up front because he doesn’t have a track record of playoff success.  But he does know his way around a computer,” said the 70-year-old Nix, who admits that he has struggled since taking over as the GM when using “any technology that comes with a plug or a battery, other than my wife’s vibrator,” which she uses, he quickly added, “for her rheumatoid arthritis.”

Nix detailed Gailey’s “extensive collection” of American Football League action figures from the 1960s.  “This is a guy who can teach a quarterback the ‘Jack Kemp offensive method’ in a single weekend using the dolls that he collected from the long-forgotten days when pro football was a man’s game.  Chan lives and breathes the AFL strategies that most of today’s coaches never even know existed, which will give the Bills a leg-up in the department of rarely-used but possibly extremely successful offenses next year.”

Gailey has led a number of college and professional teams into the playoffs, only to see the hopes of both fans and management alike dashed in the first round.

“I guess I hope to bring some of those same mediocre accomplishments to Buffalo,” said a mumbling, down-trodden  Gailey from his home in Dorks Corners, Georgia.  Gailey’s wife was busy packing his bags while simultaneously arranging for her monthly “girls weekend” in Chatanooga.

A sedate and depressed-appearing Gailey would neither confirm nor deny reports that his wife had already hired Jim Ringo and Chuck Knox to serve as his assistant coordinators.

By Larry Flesler, Special Get Fit Series

My scars have almost healed from my last workout so it’s time to get back at it.  I need to get my upper body toned so I purchased a ‘Perfect Push Up’ contraption for just three easy payments of $29.99.

It arrived in the mail yesterday so I called my workout buddy Van to give me a hand figuring out how to use it.  I called his house 3 or 4 times times but there was no answer.  He’s a heavy sleeper so I dialed again and let it ring for about 90 minutes before he finally answered.  He sounded a little groggy on the phone but said he would be over in 2 shakes of a cat’s ass, whatever that means.

Four hours later and there he is.  I think he was still half in the bag from the night before.  His breath could have peeled the paint of the walls.

We unpacked the unusual looking pipe-like device that promised ‘Perfect Pecs’ and read through the manual. Van suggested we start with a supplement type of drink to enhance our performance and offered to mix something up ‘Rocky Style.’

I sat in my Barcolounger and leafed through the owners manual getting myself psyched up for my workout. Van was working the blender claiming that he was creating the perfect pre-workout drink.

I was confident that I could use the device and yelled to Van that I was ready to get started.  He said he was still perfecting the drink and told me to get on with it.  I placed the two bars on the ground and assumed the push-up position, but my arm strength is limited so I was having trouble doing the first one. I decided to go with the modified push-up and propped myself up on my knees.  I did three ‘Reps’ as they call them and then took a break.

Van entered the room and offered his help, saying that I could get a better ‘pump’ by increasing the weight as I did the push-ups.  Van told me to get back into position and then suddenly jumped on my back.  Before I could ask what he was doing, he started screaming at me to try and motivate me - ‘PUSH YOU BAG OF PUSS - PUSH!’  I was pushing with all my might but could not move.  I kept trying and trying.  ‘PUSH MAGGOT, PUSH!’ screamed Van.

The screaming was extremely loud as his mouth was about half an inch from my ear as he lay on me.  I was finally able to muster up some strength and moved a bit. I was about six inches off the ground when the bar in my left hand buckled, sending me back down sideways until I was flipped over.  I was now staring at the ceiling while still on top of Van.

I couldn’t move.  I must have thrown out my back when it happened and was in an incredible amount of pain.  All of my weight  was now on Van and he was flailing around like a trapped, upside-down turtle trying to free himself.  About seven or eight minutes passed as I tried to move.  Van was now starting to panic and started punching, scratching and gouging my eyes with his finger nails.  I was helpless as my back pain was excruciating.  Van finally passed out from all the activity.  After about 90 minutes I was finally able to roll off of him as my back pain subsided.

I grabbed some gauze pads for my disfigured face and let Van sleep it off.

Next week: Cardio.