Firm chooses court appointed attorney, and will defend itself from itself.

By Hardy Astrom

In what many in the legal profession are calling, “The Holy Grail,” local personal injury firm Cellino and Barnes will be suing itself for and defending itself from negatively impacting the mental state of thousands of Western New Yorkers.  And because of a strange decision in the courts, they will be paid for both roles.

Bad Touch

The Cellino and Barnes website recently began offering, “legal counsel for PTSD resulting from a visual assault from both shiny domed, and thick-browed prostitutes”.  Accompanying the offer is a video that thousands of area TV viewers have been forced to watch during Buffalo Sabres broadcasts.  Unannounced, the two pop up at the bottom of the screen, with unnatural tans and what many describe as “smarmy dispositions.”  While unnerving and moderately hideous, few would seem to suffer long term damage.

Tim Morris, a spokesman for the firm, said the response was immediate.  “Thousands,” he said, speaking of the number of inquiries.  “The advertisements are obviously so offensive that they seem to have a profound effect on people, both mentally and emotionally.  Look at those guys.  It’s like the devil just rose out of Hell and into your living room.  The nervous system is simply not able to handle what the eyes are feeding it.”

Essentially, the firm is luring people to initiate litigation against itself.  Many wonder why.

“What those people don’t know,” says UB law professor Peter Pilliod, “is that Cellino and Barnes has reached an agreement with the State to provide defense lawyers to the court, at the taxpayers expense.  They will essentially be getting paid to defend themselves from this litigation.”  Asked if this is an exploitation of the system and taxpayer money, Pilliod said only, “You’re dealing with legal perverts.  They are fondling the genitals of the Constitution.”

Cellino and Barnes would still stand to lose money if any judgment was ruled against them.  ”Boy, you never know,” said Morris.  “The only thing you can do is set up an appointment and see if you are going to be really rich, really soon.”