By Frank Brutus

Collins: "My campaign will last this long."

Erie County Executive Chris Collins has found himself on the hot seat once again after a State legislator overheard the prospective gubernatorial candidate advising a female companion on how best to get a seat at the crowded State of the State address offered by current Governor David Paterson.

A spokeswoman for the County Executive said yesterday that Collins is “absolutely 100% sorry that he was misheard saying something he doesn’t even remember at this point.”  Collins himself vehemently denied using either of the words “lap” or “dance” and instead offered each of the following phrases that he says he whispered loudly to his female companion during the Governor’s speech:

1. “Don’t look now but I think the Governor just gave me a sap glance.”
2. “Have you heard about Channel 4 weatherman Mike Cejka’s new ass-less chap stance?”
3. “Would you like this seat while I excuse myself?  I’m pretty sure I just crapped my pants.”
4. “Wow, check out Lynn Marinelli’s ‘back door.’  It’s getting bigger than a map of France.”
5. “I don’t know why it burns so badly when I urinate.  I probably have gonorrhea.  Could that explain my flat-u-lance?”

The County Executive claimed he was engaged in a private conversation “with a dear old friend” whom he met at the Colony Lounge on Hertel Avenue during a Six Sigma conference last March and that his comments to her have been “twisted by my sworn enemies beyond all recognition, including my own.”

Collins says this is not the first time that words he didn’t even say have been inappropriately used against him.  “It’s just another example of political genocide,” said Collins.  “It’s no different than the Holocaust, except this time the only victim is me, Chris Collins.  Activist.  Reformer.  Genius.  Once again I have proof that the political elite in this state are clearly threatened by my greatness.”

Collins said he was “unswayed” by polls showing 90% of likely voters living in Manhattan consistently but incorrectly identify him as the inventor of The Garden Weasel.