By Larry Flesler Special Get Fit Series

In my quest to get back in shape I’ve decided to go after it with a vengeance. I spent the last month watching infomercials and have purchased many of the helpful exercise gadgets that ‘guarantee’ weight loss success.

It started about a month ago when Van was over to watch a Barney Miller marathon on my new 23-inch Magnavox. We were disappointed that the episodes did not include ‘Fish’ and thus Van started changing the channel. He stopped on an infomercial for an ab machine that promised results that looked too good to be true.

It was then that I decided I would take control of my body and my life.

I threw down my bowl of barbecue spare ribs, finished off my glass of Irish Whiskey and grabbed the phone.

Van looked at me perplexed, asking if I was done with the ribs and who was I calling.  I told him I was about to get that beach body I always wanted and asked if he was going to hop on the “Weight Loss Train” with me. He gave me a barbecue sauce covered thumbs up, mumbled something about a ‘Bar Car’ and passed out on my Barcolounger.

I was going to order the ab machine but soon found another contraption that looked like a better whole body workout.  It’s called a Bow Flex.  I ordered the machine and paid the additional $365.00 for overnight shipping because I was so anxious to get started.

It was delivered promptly the next day and Van even convinced the delivery man to install it for us.  I placed it in my study that faces the front yard.  Van removed the drapes, saying I would be more motivated if my neighbors could watch me workout.  Van already had on his workout gear: mini yellow spandex shorts, a skin tight pink muscle shirt, white knee-high tube socks, a white sweatband and his Chuck Taylor Converse sneakers from high school.

I excused myself to get my workout gear on. I found my black wrestling singlet from high school but realized I don’t own a pair of sneakers so I threw on my favorite  Wing Tips with black dress socks and a sock garter belt.

My Home Gym

When I returned, Van was going at it with wild enthusiasm.  He was lying on the bench face down doing some sort of modified behind-the-back bench press. He looked like he was having trouble when he yelled out “Spot me!”  I ran up to the machine, straddled the bench and tried to give him some assistance with his workout. I grabbed two of the bands and tried to pull them apart while he continued. I leaned in to get better leverage when Van suddenly let go, the bands snapping back into the starting position locking me in by the throat.  I started to panic and was running in place to keep some of the force of the bands from cutting off all of my oxygen.  Van was unable to move as I was directly on top of him.

This went on for about 45 minutes when, luckily, the machine started to come apart. I was able to free myself, and then helped Van get up.  He was bruised all over his back from my knees and Wing Tips clipping him as I violently ran in place while affixed to the machine.

We ran outside for some fresh air just as my Wife and her bridge club arrived for their weekly card game.  I had scars on both sides of my throat and Van looked as if he had been clubbed like a baby seal.

My Wife got out of the car, looked at both of us and let out a shriek, yelled to the other ladies to ignore the freak show, then got back in the car and burned rubber as she left.

Next week: Upper Body.