By Larry Flesler

This year’s Super Bowl was a classic,  almost as good as last year’s last-second thriller.

I try not to work to hard on Super Bowl Sunday - I VCR the game and watch it later so that I can enjoy the game  in the company of friends.

I make sure to get all the necessary supplies the day before so I don’t have any running around to do on the day of the big game.  My shopping list includes: 3 cases of Schlitz, 2 cases of Dewar’s, 3 cases of Black Velvet, 6 bags of ice, 16 lemons, 9 bottles of Dry Vermouth, 4 bottles of Kamchatka (I pour it into an empty bottle of Absolute so Van thinks he’s getting top shelf vodka), 6 bags of Hot ‘n Spicy pork rinds, 3 bags of Funions, a tub of sour cream and 12 pounds of polish sausage.  I put the liquor, ice and glasses out and get the room ready for the day.

My guests this year were;  Van, Stu, Esther the tax lady, Marie Rice, Wadi Sawabini and special guest Ronan Tynan.  Everyone but Van arrived around 6pm and got themselves settled in.  Van arrived at 1:30 to help me get things organized.  He started hitting the ‘Absolute’ Vodka before his rubbers were off his wing tips.

The game started and we were all excited as the competition was as expected. The discussions were lively, the drinks were cold and Ronan was a charmer.

It was quite evident that Esther and Marie were both smitten with the footless Irishman.  This didn’t sit too well with Van or Wadi as they both thought they had a chance with either Esther or Marie or both of them at the same time.  I was busy making trips to the liquor to refresh the drinks but at one point Ronan was singing an X- rated Irish Tenor version of ‘God Bless America.’  The words were hard to understand but went something like “GOD BLESS ESTHER’S LOINS, LAND THAT I”LL SOON BE LOVING.’  As he went into the next verse Van shot up from his easy chair and launched himself at the bulbous-headed Tynan like a missile. Esther came to his rescue and jumped on Van, Marie and Wadi then jumped into the pile as well.  Stu was not concerned and kept watching the game.

I ran in and yelled for them to stop but to no avail, they were pawing and scratching each other.  Van was slapping anything in sight and the rest of them were kicking, punching and head butting each other.  This went on for about 5 minutes. They expended all their energy and lay there with half their clothes torn off. It was a ball of half-naked, sweat-soaked, listless combatants.

Van then apologized and gave Ronan Tynan a hug, Esther came over and hugged them and then Wadi and Marie did the same.  During this group hug, Esther was petting Ronan’s nether regions and things took an unusual turn.  Ronan tore off his remaining clothes and screamed “There’s A Storm Cloud Gathering In My Pants” and without warning, they all engaged in a game of slap and tickle.  I excused myself to splash on some Aqua Velva and Stu started filming.

By the time I returned, they were all smoking Virginia Slims, Van was removing Funions from Wadi’s do-jigger, Esther was dislodging Pork Rinds from Ronan and Stu had already started editing.

Oh, and the NFC team beat the AFC team.

By Ronn Chesmonde

Mayor Byron Brown today ordered the city’s parks and recreation workers to begin the tedious job of mothballing Delaware Park in time for the 2010 summer season.  The Mayor, speaking at the Rose Garden’s Shakespeare Hill, cited his administration’s continuing efforts to “save money, lower taxes, eliminate crime in addition to the preservation and protection of Buffalo’s cultural assets for future generations.”

Brown said that the current generation has had “plenty of time to enjoy the park, but now our grandchildren need to know that they will be able to enjoy the same park in forty or fifty years.”

The Mayor also referenced the financial savings that will result in the mothballing of the park.  “We are all acutely aware of what’s happening with regard to the serious fiscal problems facing New York State,” said the Mayor.  “I want to be proactive and shut down the crown jewel in our parks system well in advance of the Governor turning his eye toward city-maintained properties.”

New York Governor David Paterson has been roundly criticized for suggesting the closure of state parks in order to maintain the employment of thousands of New Yorkers on the State’s swollen payroll who would otherwise be forced to actually find something productive to do with their miserable lives.

But Mayor Brown stressed that his order to mothball Delaware Park is a “win/win” for Buffalonians of all ages.  “I think what I am really talking about here is saving the park from itself,”  said the Mayor, who cited “the epiphany” he had as he watched huge plywood boards being placed over the windows of the bankrupt and vulnerable Statler Hotel.  “Someday that hotel might be returned to its former glory,” said Brown.  “And I think the same can be said about Delaware Park.”

The Mayor predicted that Park-related crime will “disappear almost overnight” after the mothball process has been completed.  “You can’t mug a jogger in Delaware Park when the jogger is not able to access the park,” said Brown.  “Muggers will have to look elsewhere to commit their petty crimes.  Like Amherst.”

Assistant to the Mayor Peter Cutler said that the dramatic rise in recent years of people enjoying the park “has certainly detracted from Delaware Park’s natural beauty and peacefulness.”  Cutler maintained that the thick plywood and snow fence that will be used to entomb the park “will restore some of that serenity that’s been missing for the past few years.”

By Frank Brutus

Vote here for the Buffalo Ruse’s Mardi Gras float as Best Entry in Artvoice’s contest: Ruse Float Then watch Frank Brutus hit the streets on Fat Tuesday to ask Buffalonians some hard hitting questions that are exclusive to The Ruse .

By Larry Flesler, Special Get Fit Series

I never have liked my legs, they look like two hairy tree stumps.  Add my varicose veins, cellulite and blotchy skin and it makes for a nasty combination.  Every time I wear my short shorts, my daughter says my legs look like Ricotta Cheese packed into a plastic bag.

I’m not real sure how to get them in shape so I called my pal Van who just happens to have the fabulous legs of a ballerina.

Van showed up an hour later already in his leg-workout gear.  He was wearing a sweatshirt that had the neck and sleeves cut out and white skin tight dancers leggings.  I noticed they were a bit threadbare and also that he did not appear to be wearing any undergarments.  He came in the house, sat down and removed his boots and promptly put on a pair of shoes with 4″ spike heels.  “These shoes are the secret to great legs,” Van exclaimed.  “I wear them every morning when I walk the dog and go mall walking,” he continued.  “Don’t you get some curious looks?” I asked.  “That’s why I wear my full length white fur coat so people don’t know it’s me,” he replied.

We then hopped in the car and Van drove us to the mall.  We stopped in Payless Shoes where Van picked out three different styles of women’s shoes for me to try on, each pair with heels longer than the one before.  We sat down and Van flagged over an employee.  “Can you help my friend try these on?” he asked.  “Uuh, yeah, I guess so,” said Emily (per her name tag).  Emily was about 65 with grayish blue hair and penciled-in eyebrows that made her look like she was permanently startled.  She also had a fake tan that resembled the color of a traffic cone.  I could tell that Van was instantly smitten.

She never asked why I was looking at the women’s high heels as she seemed preoccupied with Van’s see-through leggings.

As I was about to remove my leather boots I remembered that I hadn’t showered and that these boots always made my feet smell like dirty diapers mixed with cabbage.  I tried to warn her but she grabbed my foot and yanked off the boot.  The odor was unbearable.  Emily instantly fell to the floor and asked if a terrorist had set off a tear gas bomb.  Van jumped on her to console her as I quickly put my boot back on.  He started rubbing her back, one thing led to another and they ended up playing slap and tickle under his fur coat for the next twenty minutes.

I excused myself and asked another employee if I could see the black gladiator style high heels in an 11 1/2 extra wide.  To my surprise they had them in stock.  I went into the middle of the mall, put them on and started my workout.  I made it about three feet, took a violent tumble and was knocked out when my head smashed against the tiled floor.  When I awoke, Van was cradling my head and tending to the 4″ gash on my forehead.

Blood was all over his white, full-length fur and half of Emily’s makeup was now smeared on Van.  A small crowd had gathered and was trying to make sense out of what they were seeing.  Me, wearing high heels and bleeding profusely,  Emily with half of her makeup gone and Van in his white fur coat, half of his “coin purse” visible through his torn leggings.

Next week: forearms.

By Bob Loblaw, On Assignment

Tiger Woods apologized yesterday in front of 2 dozen invited guests. His apology was, as expected more like a Presidential press conference.

His most sincere apology came when he looked directly into the camera and announced how sorry he was  for offending his fans by sleeping with the homely waitress from Perkins. “I lowered my standards and disappointed my fans by sleeping with an average looking woman that did not resemble a hooker, porn star or super model, and for that I am very sorry.” 

Tiger was whisked away by 3 men in white lab coats after he apparently suffered a relapse and is back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon?) when he spotted what he thought was a shapely woman moving about behind curtains in the room (it turned out to be a plant). Tiger looked down and exclaimed “It moved.”  One of the three men quickly held up a photo of Rosie O’Donnell while the other two grabbed him by the arms and briskly walked him out of the room and into the back of a white van.

One of the men was overheard saying something about being time for the ‘Heavy Treatment’ and that nonstop viewing of men’s figure skating was in order.

More on this story as details emerge.

By Frank Brutus

Disgraced former lawmaker and current heroic philanthropist Brian Davis purchased the decaying but prestigious Statler Hotel today, presenting Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown with a personal check made out to “Cash” for $100 million.

Proud new owner of the Statler.

The Mayor read a proclamation declaring every February 29th “Brian Davis Day” while the marching band from Emerson Vocational school played a rousing rendition of “Oh Happy Day” in front of the local landmark after David presented a post-dated check to the Mayor.

Davis, who was run out of office last year after pleading guilty to numerous felonies (later reduced to misdemeanors) involving forged financial instruments and misuse of public funds, says he has already lined up the “perfect” candidates to manage the rehabilitation of the historic building.

“Leonard Stokes has already accepted my offer to be a part of the team that restores the Statler to its former and deserved glory,” said Davis.  “I have already given him a 10-year advance salary and he will earn bonuses based on the size of the Sunday brunch crowd that makes reservations at the new restaurant that he plans to open inside the Statler this weekend.”

Stokes wasn’t able to attend the ceremony because, as Davis noted, he was busy loading dozens of U-Haul trucks with what was described as the “old” Statler catering equipment.  Davis noted that the proposed restaurant will be stocked with “lots of brand new stuff that we’re flying in from Thailand.”

Mayor Brown introduced to the assembled press corps each of the other “team members” who have agreed to be part of the rebirth of what will now be known as “The Brian Davis Statler Hotel.”

Delroy Jackson, a part-time bookie who lives on Fillmore Ave, will manage the coat-check service for hotel guests.

Steve Hopkins, a self-described “problem solver” who collects debts for Delroy Jackson, will oversee the valet parking operation.

Betty Jean Grant, currently a member of the Erie County Legislature, who is set to begin the tedious job of replacing all of the hotel’s water-damaged plaster with drywall on each and every one of the nineteen floors of the vaunted structure.  “I’m going to carry out the old plaster in garbage bags so we can save money by not renting a dumpster,” said a beaming Grant.

Grant estimates that the plaster removal will take “at least a month” to complete.