By Jerry Mulligan

So I bumped into Carl Paladino the other night while I was nursing my Seven Up & tonic at Rick’s Tally Ho on

"I'm not racist. I just don't trust blacks."

Genesee Street and we got into a great conversation about the hapless Buffalo Sabres and their early exit from the playoffs.  Carl was kind enough to send me his notes on the team in the hopes that his thoughts can help Golisano and company get it right next year.

So here we go, Carl Paladino on the Buffalo Sabres:

Goaltending: “Ryan Miller is the greatest goaltender in the league right now.  None of the team’s troubles can be blamed on him.  He is just a fantastic role model for every youngster in this city.  Speaking of youngsters, most of Buffalo’s African youth has been left behind because the Buffalo Public Schools only hires blacks and they are running a ship that was already sinking straight into the ground.”  Grade: A

Forwards: “Most of these guys remind me of a subject that I am well-versed in: pussies.  Crashing the net once a month would go a long way to help talented players like Connolly or Roy.  Ennis and Gerbe do it.  Why can’t they?  Connolly should spend more time lifting weights and less time urinating on his girlfriends.  And I say that not because I am racist.  It’s not racist to call Connolly out for something that’s true.  That’s how I operate, people.  Get used to it because there will be no irresponsible pee deviants in New York after I’m elected Governor.”  Grade: C-

Defense: “Tyler Myers is the future of this hockey team.  And Craig Rivet is the past.  Rivet skates about as well as Larry Playfair except that he can’t fight or shoot.  What kind of a captain is that?  Speaking of trading our captain, I am confident that once the citizens of New York hear about my plan to abolish government, institute martial law on tax-evading poor people and gain control of every parking lot from here to Manhattan I will be voted in as Governor faster than Rivet can clean out his locker.”  Grade: B-

Special Teams: “These guys sucked for most of the year.  A woman having sex with a horse could put more shots on net than the power play unit.  And believe me, she’d look better doing it.   And when’s the last time you saw one of penalty killers block a shot with something other than his gingerly outstretched stick?  Speaking of shots, I’ve been targeted by the liberal elite for firing a barrage of truth at them.  Now they’re running scared.  And all I can say is ‘Bring it on, bitches.’  You’re messing with the wrong guy.”  Grade: D+

Coaching: “The power play sucked.  The penalty kill sucked.  But the Sabres won the Northeast Division.  Then they lost in the first round.  What’s Regier to do?  Fire Lindy.  I could use an opinionated but well-loved campaign manager who’s not afraid to laugh out loud when he sees the President dressed up as a pimp.  Lindy, call me.  We would make a great team on and off the ice.” Grade: C+

Ownership & Upper Management: “Larry Quinn is worse than the black guy who’s ruining the schools.  I thought the Irish were supposed to be smart.  And I love Tom Golisano but Quinn must have pictures of him doing a lot worse than what I forwarded to my group of friends.  Either that or they’re in some sort of sick Devil’s Triangle with Regier and I am morally opposed to that sort of abomination.  Tom’s coughing up some good money but Quinn and Regier keep reeling in dead fish to heave onto the ice just before the playoffs start.  I can smell Torres’ stink from here and I’m not even inhaling.” Grade: B-

By Earl Gee

We have all been in a strip joint at one time or another. Someone in the family — mom, dad, maybe a spouse, perhaps a child— was bothering the hell out of us and we just stormed out of the house in anger.  Before we knew it we were in a strip club.

While we were stewing, did we take the time to notice what the strippers were doing? Maybe while we questioned the bartender about the quality of the free peanuts, we treated the strippers like they were invisible.  We were probably feeling sorry for ourselves, asking: Why is this happening to me? Maybe I did something in my life to have my darling spouse or child irritate the ever-loving crap out of me on a daily basis.

The one person who can help us and reassure us is a stripper. As you observe the gyrating hips and flailing bosoms of strippers at work, you will see that they never stop pretending to care about what you are going through.  This attention is going on all the time. Most of these gifted women are nonetheless under-appreciated.

Consider the awesome responsibility strippers have. Try to realize the immense knowledge they possess. The intricacies in measuring the proper g-string thongs and use of attractive-smelling genital spray. Notice the physical demands that are required to do their jobs. Just spinning around and around a fireman’s pole can be difficult for anyone, let alone a woman.

Thirty to forty years ago, there weren’t many choices in the job market for young women. The two most popular careers for educated women were teaching and nursing. Nowadays the choices have expanded. Many job options are available. What makes these present day strippers choose such a demanding profession? The answer is sex and cocaine.

I am privileged to see them at work and am totally in awe of these dedicated women. I know firsthand what they do. I see it every week at Rick’s Tally Ho, where I volunteer.

Next time you are in a position to thank a stripper, please do.

By Frank Brutus

Area developer Carl Paladino held a press conference on Dyngus Day to announce that he is running for Governor of New York State.

One-Man Wolf Pack.

The Buffalo Ruse has obtained a copy of the much more interesting “alternate” speech that Paladino planned to give until news broke that he had fathered a daughter out of wedlock ten years ago.  Some astute readers may recognize the source.  Here it is:

Carl Paladino: I’d like to… I’d like to say something that I’ve prepared tonight.   Hello.  How about that ride in?  I guess that’s why they call it the Queen City!

You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

But when I was introduced to Byron Brown, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one.

So then there two, there were two of us in the wolf pack.  I was alone first in the wolf pack and Byron joined in later.

And six months ago, when Byron introduced me to Chris Collins and Dale Volker, I thought ‘Wait a second, could it be?’  And now I know for sure- I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.  The four of us wolves, running around the East Side of Buffalo, looking for strippers and cocaine.

So tonight, I make a toast!  Blood brothers!

Please support me and my wolf pack as we run for the office of Governor of New York!

Thank you.

Strip club owner “really disappointed” in the FBI.

By Hardy Astrom

Snowden's "family" jewels.

Richard Snowden, the millionaire owner of Rick’s Tally Ho Gentlemen’s Club expressed concern over what he calls an “irresponsible, and reckless” investigation of his bartender and stripper employees.  He says his reputation as a “guy who puts troubled young women on stage without their clothes,” has been irreversibly tarnished.

“I worked long and hard and throbbingly at being the best I can be for these girls.  And this is how the FBI repays me for providing what is essentially a public service.”  Snowden says that beyond monetary and business ramifications, his feelings are “really hurt” by the FBI’s investigation.

After a year-long investigation, the FBI charges that his strippers bought and sold heroin and engaged in prostitution in small, private “fox dens” in the rear of the club.  Snowden, who prides himself on taking young, attractive girls off the streets and putting them into the workforce, says he’s most concerned for his employees.

“These people aren’t just my employees, they’re like really pretty step-daughters to me,” Snowden said.  “I don’t believe my girls did those things anymore than I believe cigarettes are addictive.  It’s ridiculous.”

Asked about video survaillance that FBI agents obtained during their investigation, Snowden says, “And I saw a cat that supposedly danced on piano keys on that interweb.  It’s a con-job they’re pulling here.”  He also said that on many nights since the raid, he’s been crying alone at his Nottingham Terrace mansion.  “The girls come by, of course,” he said.  “They’re like really attractive counselors, or massage therapists.”

Snowden is working with lawyers to see if any legal action can be taken against the State Liquor Authority after they stripped him of his liquor license.  “They didn’t even ask me to explain the ”High School Sports Saturdays,” a day when students can show their high school IDs for free pop and pizza.  “There’s an underage section that is draped off so the kids can enjoy their pizza without being distracted by things they don’t understand,” Snowden said.  The FBI released video footage of the drapes, showing them to be transparent shower curtains.  “We’ll, they’re much easier to clean than cloth,” Snowden explained.

The loss of his liquor license has changed the daily operations at Rick’s Tally Ho.  “Now we have to let in kids as young as 18 and the girls are forced to take off their pasties.  It’s ruined High School Sports Saturdays and now we’re busier than ever.  I’ve had to personally interview and audition dozens of new girls.  It’s been difficult on my staff and my employees.”

As the investigation continues, Snowden said his sadness over the allegations may force him to sell his strip clubs and his mansion and focus on antiques.  “You wouldn’t believe the freaks that are into naked old ladies,” he said.

By Wad Rotson

I went to my first Ku Klux Klan meeting last week and let me tell you something: I’ve never been so lonely in a crowd before.

Seeing only one other African-American (he was holding the door for the 100 people gathered in the Wheatfield Community Center), I have to admit I felt like … well … like a black guy at a Tea Party rally.

The turnout reminded me why the Klan movement seems to attract so few African-Americans. When you get past the obvious answer — the Klan advocates the complete and total oppression of all African Americans — there’s still an undeniable fact: Blacks complain about life’s inequities just as loudly as any member of the Klan.

But when it comes to Klan rallies, it turns out that blacks are skipping out on the parties thrown by this hate group.  In droves.

Local organizer Gus Rompson says the almost 100% white turnouts are not entirely reflective. He claims there are “dozens” of blacks locally that have promised to “pay me a visit” if he doesn’t stop showing up on their front lawns with flaming pieces of lumber.  “They might be wondering about how to become official members,” says Rompson.  “Or they might just want some of our political literature.  I don’t know.”

“I do want to see more minorities pay the fee to join our group,” Rompson said, claiming that the Klan has modified its exclusive membership requirements in order to “increase the balance in our bank account.”  But Rompson cautioned that although the Klan will happily take their money, minorities “might not necessarily feel welcome” at the actual rallies.  “But they can all use their membership card for 20% off golf lessons at Transit Valley Country Club.  That alone would more than pay for the membership fee,” said Rompson.

Rompson lamented that the days of the powerful, wealthy white Klan members in Western New York are over.  “Paladino’s the only guy left with money and he’s obviously too busy reading his e-mails to play an active role in our group.  So we’ve had to lower the bar, so to speak, to build up our financial base.”

But if the movement is serious about attracting blacks, it’s also going to have to check its own rhetoric.

While the tenor of the Wheatfield meeting was civil — or as civil as you can be while talking about burning crosses, getting rid of “those people” and transforming welfare into a “whites only club” — some of the Klan’s buzz words (like “returning to the roots of the real America” by “repealing child labor laws” and “sending all non-whites to forced labor camps”) are going to cause this party to fizzle like a wet firecracker on the Fourth of July.

It’s pretty safe to say that from now on, the only party I’ll be reporting on is the one I attend every Friday night at Swizzle’s on Genesee Street (where you don’t need a funny hat to get through the door).

By Frank Brutus

The Buffalo Ruse has uncovered a series of shocking e-mails that were allegedly sent by Carl Paladino to numerous colleagues, friends and business associates.

Carl Paladino Doesn't Care About White People.

In one of the e-mails sent by Paladino, the subject line reads “How Do You Know If A White Person Is Lying?”  According to Doris Maynard, one of the white recipients who clicked on the message, a 72-point font answer “exploded” on her screen: “BECAUSE HIS LIPS ARE MOVING!”

Maynard, a librarian for the town of Concord, describes herself as “a hard-working, middle-class caucasian woman” who is proud of being “the descendant of a long line of proud white Americans” who, according to Maynard, “wouldn’t appreciate even one of Carl Paladino’s insensitive and racially divisive e-mails.”

Maynard says she doesn’t know exactly how she ended up on the receiving end of Paladino’s e-mail messages.  “But I just assumed he thought I was a person of color,” she said.  “I mean, why would anyone send these hateful e-mails to someone who is so obviously white?”

Another e-mail, described as “disgustingly offensive” by James Domagalski, the chairman of Erie County’s Republican Party, described former president George W. Bush as “an imbecilic cocaine-snorting Cracker who only got elected because his white daddy had sympathetic Honky friends on the Supreme Court.”  The e-mail included side by side images of a box of Saltines and a photo of the younger President Bush, asking readers to choose “Which do you think has a higher I.Q.?”

Domagalski produced a letter for the Ruse that he said he sent to Paladino the day after he checked his inbox.  “Carl laughed the whole thing off,” said Domagalsi.  “He claimed that one of his interns used his e-mail to send the ‘cracker’ message and he promised me it wouldn’t happen again.  But in the background I could hear the unmistakable sound of ‘gangsta rap’ music and it occurred to me that Paladino was probably planning his next inappropriate salvo even as I was speaking to him at that moment.  Unbelievable.”

Paladino’s spokesperson Ronald Churchill would neither confirm nor deny that the gubernatorial candidate authored any of the e-mails in question.

Instead, Churchill encouraged reporters to “spend their valuable time investigating a story worth reporting.  Like how about shining your investigative lights on the seedy underbelly of Western New York’s criminally-sponsored political news blogs and the hundreds of more important stories that they fail to break each year?  Try that one one for size, you miserable pricks,” said Churchill.  “And you can quote me on that, you white morons.”

By Larry Flesler

-I love the Final Four, Van does too. He comes over a few hours before the game and we make bets on the outcome of both games. Loser has to give the winner a full body massage with oil. I lost both games last year and applied a little too much pressure to Vans left leg and snapped his femur like a twig.

-I went to the Broadway Market for the first time ever this year. I was smitten with the nice lady selling the Buttered Lambs and bought nine of them. I only have one left.   If you wrap them in bacon they make a nice evening snack.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Joe Piscopo.  He was one of the good ones.

-Looks like we’ve gone from winter right into summer.  My wardrobe is lacking, I haven’t picked up my short-shorts from winter storage at the cleaners.

-It says in the AARP handbook that every male must use Old Spice Deodorant after you reach age 60.  I’m not sure why as my daughter says I smell like “a big bag of death.”

-I think all coaches should wear player-style uniforms like they do in baseball. There’s something about watching 73-year-old Joe Torre adjust himself that moves me.

-My lawn is a mess.  I have two Saint Bernards and a Great Dane who are good for 3 Texas-sized turds a day.  Multiply that by 120 days throughout the winter.  I looked out the window yesterday morning and thought it had snowed. I was wrong: my yard was 2-inches thick with maggots.

-I was in Florida recently visiting a friend. We tied one on one evening and I ended up passed out on the front lawn of my Motel 6.  I awoke mid-afternoon to a stinging pain on my left hand: Red Fire Ants had chewed through the tips of my thumb and ring finger on my left hand.  What a night.

-I recently purchased a Smart car. Whenever I pick up Van, he insists on sitting on my lap as I drive.  He says he feels safer.

-I’ll be watching the Masters to see how Tiger handles the heckling. If I were there, my line would be “Hey Tiger, how about a Devil’s Triangle with Me and Mrs Garrett from The Facts Of Life?”  Actually that could be one of my recurring dreams.  Either way, I’ll be watching.

-My ‘comfort food’ of choice is mashed potatoes mixed with steak, onions and Slim Jims.

-Godspeed, Mr. Piscopo.

By Ronn Chesmonde

The way Niagara Falls Mayor Paul Dyster sees it, it was either sink or swim.  And Dyster chose to swim.

Niagara Falls: Now Open For Family Swim

Starting this Friday, the historic cataracts that have made the Niagara Region a world-wide destination for newlyweds, casino-goers and thrill-seekers are open for Family Swim from 2pm to 7pm, weather permitting.

Adventurous types will have to work hard to avoid being sucked over the edge of the Falls by the rushing torrents and hurtled 100 miles-per-hour into the rocks below.  Mayor Dyster stresses that people need to have “excellent” swimming ability.

“A lot of people think they are better swimmers than they really are.  Unfortunately, there is no room for error when it comes to swimming at the precipice of the mighty Niagara Falls,” said the Mayor.  “Please, please, please make sure you have passed at least the ‘Manatee’ level of swimming ability based on the American Red Cross swimmers rating system.  No one wants a repeat of what happened last month.”

Mayor Dyster was of course referring to the “unfortunate lack of leg strength” for the thirteen people whose lives were ended in March after they went over the edge during a test run of the Family Swim night.  It took Niagara Park Police a full week to recover all the bodies.  “The water was a lot colder in March and I think that was a major factor in what happened,” said the Mayor.  “No one wants to see a repeat of that tragedy, especially the city’s legal department.”

Dyster says the $25 fee that allows swimmers access to the edge of Niagara Falls will “boost the dwindling coffers of this city faster than any Casino.”

The Mayor added that for an additional $200, families can receive a copy of their thrilling Open Swim as filmed by Channel 7’s Eyewitness News team.

Mini-mart Giant Reportedly Thrilled To “Probably” Be Coming To Historic Downtown Location.

By Hardy Astrom

Mayor Byron Brown proudly presented the Key to the City to a representative from Gas Pro at a news conference yesterday.  Making an announcement at the doors of the moth-balled Statler Hotel, the Mayor proudly addressed a handful of reporters with a promise of hope.

“This is not only the Key to the City of Buffalo,” he said as he handed an over-sized golden key to Gas Pro representative Ron Churchill.  “In many ways it is the key to the future of the City of Buffalo.”  Mr. Churchill declined to take the microphone from the Mayor, but was heard saying “Thanks a lot” as he accepted the key.

The Mayor’s announcement was not what many in the press had anticipated.

In calling the conference, Brown indicated that he had “a major announcement which will change the economic and employment landscape of the City.”  When pressed by reporters on the importance he’s given to what is essentially a small commercial enterprise, Brown responded with enthusiasm.  “Many people in this area don’t have appropriate access to basics like gasoline and jerky.  Many city residents have fled to the suburbs where spicy hot peanuts and slushy drinks are found on every street corner.  We have been left in this city with mostly drug dealers and people who have questionable hygiene.”  Brown motioned to several people waiting at a bus stop nearby.  “We now have a street corner that will, in essence, be exactly like Clarence, New York.  Jump on the bandwagon folks, it’s headed downtown.”

Gas Pro, a small chain with 23 outlets in three states, touts itself as the largest mini-mart in the country.  “We actually call it a maxi-mart.” said Gas Pro Vice President of Operations Rocco Distillo in a phone interview.  “We’re too big to be ‘mini’ and too free of vegetable matter to be considered a ‘market.’  So we’re a maxi-mart.”

Distillo said he too was surprised by “the intensity” of the Mayor’s press conference.  “I’m going to be as clear here as I was with the Mayor: we’re not buying the Statler Building,” said Distillo.   “No one would, and we told the Mayor as much when we expressed interest in selling things like Sun Chips and Webkinz in your city.  We’re just renting part of the lobby and putting gas pumps in that circle you have there.”  Distillo was referring of course to Buffalo’s historic Niagara Square, which encircles the McKinley Monument and is situated directly in front of City Hall.

The Buffalo Ruse questioned the Mayor on this development late last night, after he returned from his out-of-state headquarters in Raleigh, North Carolina.  “To my knowledge there will be very little done to the square that will change its landmark status,” said the Mayor.  “Traffic flow will not be compromised because of the circular nature of the square.”

Brown said that Gas Pro’s fuel pumps will be located around the perimeter of the circle, and parking for the ‘maxi-mart’ will be available in a soon-to-be erected parking ramp.  The location of the ramp has not yet been determined, though Brown noted that “some downtown buildings will be asked to leave.”

Neither Distillo nor the Mayor was able to give a time line or completion date for the project.

“Gas Pro is already part of the local landscape,” Brown said.  “Almost literally, it’s here.  They researched a home for their next neighborhood store and they chose Buffalo, New York.  We look to have the paperwork finalized in the next little while, and to break ground no later than on an agreed-upon date that will be worked out in the not-too-distant future.”

Distillo was equally committal.  “We’re still drawing things up and doing some fact checking.  This isn’t something we rush into.  But I wouldn’t go knocking Buffalo buildings down any time soon, either.”