By Jerry Mulligan

So I bumped into Carl Paladino the other night while I was nursing my Seven Up & tonic at Rick’s Tally Ho on

"I'm not racist. I just don't trust blacks."

Genesee Street and we got into a great conversation about the hapless Buffalo Sabres and their early exit from the playoffs.  Carl was kind enough to send me his notes on the team in the hopes that his thoughts can help Golisano and company get it right next year.

So here we go, Carl Paladino on the Buffalo Sabres:

Goaltending: “Ryan Miller is the greatest goaltender in the league right now.  None of the team’s troubles can be blamed on him.  He is just a fantastic role model for every youngster in this city.  Speaking of youngsters, most of Buffalo’s African youth has been left behind because the Buffalo Public Schools only hires blacks and they are running a ship that was already sinking straight into the ground.”  Grade: A

Forwards: “Most of these guys remind me of a subject that I am well-versed in: pussies.  Crashing the net once a month would go a long way to help talented players like Connolly or Roy.  Ennis and Gerbe do it.  Why can’t they?  Connolly should spend more time lifting weights and less time urinating on his girlfriends.  And I say that not because I am racist.  It’s not racist to call Connolly out for something that’s true.  That’s how I operate, people.  Get used to it because there will be no irresponsible pee deviants in New York after I’m elected Governor.”  Grade: C-

Defense: “Tyler Myers is the future of this hockey team.  And Craig Rivet is the past.  Rivet skates about as well as Larry Playfair except that he can’t fight or shoot.  What kind of a captain is that?  Speaking of trading our captain, I am confident that once the citizens of New York hear about my plan to abolish government, institute martial law on tax-evading poor people and gain control of every parking lot from here to Manhattan I will be voted in as Governor faster than Rivet can clean out his locker.”  Grade: B-

Special Teams: “These guys sucked for most of the year.  A woman having sex with a horse could put more shots on net than the power play unit.  And believe me, she’d look better doing it.   And when’s the last time you saw one of penalty killers block a shot with something other than his gingerly outstretched stick?  Speaking of shots, I’ve been targeted by the liberal elite for firing a barrage of truth at them.  Now they’re running scared.  And all I can say is ‘Bring it on, bitches.’  You’re messing with the wrong guy.”  Grade: D+

Coaching: “The power play sucked.  The penalty kill sucked.  But the Sabres won the Northeast Division.  Then they lost in the first round.  What’s Regier to do?  Fire Lindy.  I could use an opinionated but well-loved campaign manager who’s not afraid to laugh out loud when he sees the President dressed up as a pimp.  Lindy, call me.  We would make a great team on and off the ice.” Grade: C+

Ownership & Upper Management: “Larry Quinn is worse than the black guy who’s ruining the schools.  I thought the Irish were supposed to be smart.  And I love Tom Golisano but Quinn must have pictures of him doing a lot worse than what I forwarded to my group of friends.  Either that or they’re in some sort of sick Devil’s Triangle with Regier and I am morally opposed to that sort of abomination.  Tom’s coughing up some good money but Quinn and Regier keep reeling in dead fish to heave onto the ice just before the playoffs start.  I can smell Torres’ stink from here and I’m not even inhaling.” Grade: B-