By Ronn Chesmonde

I want to pause to remind everyone that I have been on a bender for the last three weeks.

But enough gloating. Before another warm, sunny day passes, I want to share a few of my favorite places to visit during the hottest days of Buffalo’s summer.  Do you have a place you love to get publicly intoxicated and wet your pants? You can e-mail me and I’ll save them for a future column: drunkasscracker@buffaloruse.com.

• Hoyt Lake: It doesn’t smell like dead fish anymore and the police usually recognize me and let me stagger on my way without issuing me an appearance ticket.  That’s a far cry from the night I ended up on the Shakespeare stage during a live performance.  The crowd screamed in horror as I peed myself at center stage just before the end of Act I.  I told the judge the reaction of the crowd was Much Ado About Nothing.

• Crystal Beach: I tried to get on the old yellow wooden coaster and was shocked to find that it had been replaced by CONDOMINIUMS.  Let me tell you people, alcohol-induced blackouts are not always as fun as you think they might be.  When did this happen?  Where is the Comet?  The Lazy River?  Now all that’s left is the sandy white beach, which I trolled slowly in a leopard-skin thong that I bought at Kohl’s specifically to impress the Canadian cougars.  It didn’t work.

• The guy who guesses your weight at the Erie County Fair: I’m talking a pro, not some college kid working summers at an amusement park. You fool him, you’ve earned your stuffed animal. I get my money’s worth just watching him get a hair-pull and a beat-down every time he guesses wrong when an East Side grandmother is his customer. Apparently he errs on the plus side!  As much as it hurts to watch the ladies whack him with their purses and canes, you gotta admire the man’s courage (and honesty!).
Afterward, this city slicker gets a kick out of heading to the barns to look for a lonely sheep in need of a gentle friend. To the sheep, it’s another day in the life of being used as a sexual prop. To me, it’s a reason to consider re-locating to Eden.

• Artpark’s Tuesday night concerts: Apparently, I am no longer allowed here.  But according to the legal report filed by the Lewiston Police, I sure did enjoy myself in the women’s restroom the last time I attended the free concert on the Niagara Escarpment.

• Your Friend’s boat/pool: OK, it is not a weekend on the Riviera. But for purely practical purposes, the simplicity and sociability beats the heck out of a 28-day rehab. As the saying goes, even better than owning a boat or a pool is getting so drunk that you think you can fly. You get the fun without the frustrations. Show your gratitude with a gift and don’t forget to slap the sunscreen on your bare-white buttocks. It’s summer on Lake Erie, baby, and the pants are bound to come off after the fourth margarita!

By Larry Flesler

I just returned from a trip to lovely Erie, PA after visiting my estranged daughter so I’m refreshed and eager to get back writing.

-Erie, PA is a great little town.  It is like Buffalo’s cousin. The one with no friends, body odor and bad breath.

-I can’t wait for the NBA playoffs to start. Kobe may be a whiner but he can dribble on me anytime he wants.

-I was really shocked to hear that Dabney Coleman’s only son Gary had died. Gary was never able to live up to his Dad’s acting ability but he was a swell little actor. Whenever I watched Gary I was never sure if I was laughing with or at the little freak.

-I have a fondness for bubble baths.

-Watching Danny Briere in the Stanley Cup finals has to be eating away at Larry Quinn. He is said to be close to impaling himself on an autographed Don Luce stick.

-Chan Gailey and Buddy Nix have been spotted at the Scotch and Sirloin on recent Saturday evenings. Chan has been wearing a disguise of long black hair braided with pig tails and a see-through evening gown. Buddy has been dressed as a Jockey.

- I love the rain. Sometimes I’ll strip down to my unmentionables and sit on my front lawn for a nature bath.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Dennis Hopper.  He was great in Porky’s Revenge.

-They say celebrity deaths happen in threes.  I say the next one to go will be John Tesh.

By Frank Brutus

Mayor Brown scrambled today to contain a small but growing firestorm of controversy over his failure to perform a national search for candidates who might lead the Buffalo Police Department.

The Mayor released a copy of a memo that he says he wrote to himself last November regarding the hiring process for the next Police Commissioner.  The Mayor maintained that the memo contains “the things that I am looking for in the person who will be the next leader of our brave men and women in the Buffalo Police Department.”

According to the memo, here are Mayor Brown’s requirements for the job:

*Candidate cannot have been corrupted by higher education. College makes people think they’re smarter than they really are.  Look at Mickey Kearns.
*Candidate should probably be white. The last guy didn’t work out so well.  Try a different color this time.  Are Italians white?  Have one of my assistants check on that.
*Candidate should be at my beck and call. Will someone from outside of Buffalo fit this requirement?  Probably not.  Try to promote from within.
*No one is going to listen to a female Police Commissioner whine and gripe about how we need “new colored police cars.”  Therefore, hire a guy.
*Anonymity is a virtue here.  No prior headlines about politics, loyalties, corruption or graft.  The dumber the better (see first requirement).
*Candidate shouldn’t know anything about the time my son stole my car.  If anyone asks about that in the interview they are finished in this town!
*No Irish. I don’t need Mickey Kearns sticking his fat little fingers into my Police Department.
*Candidate should have trouble counting past 40 (see first requirement).  Because the new Commissioner isn’t going to approve any overtime while he’s working for me.
*Candidate shouldn’t be intelligent enough to even think about a run for Mayor in four years (see first requirement).

Carl Paladino Hates Most of New York.

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Ralph Wilson Says He Will Not Die Before December 31st, “Screw The Inheritance Tax”.

Tim Kennedy Vows To Exact Revenge On Sabres By Averaging Just over 1/4 Point Per Game For Rangers.

Mayor Brown Gives Key To City To City Locksmith, Claims It Does Not Work.

Mike Cejka Predicts A Night Of Heavy Petting With Don Paul At Annual Company Picnic.