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Author Archive
Teammates Attribute Brady’s Destroyed Phone to “Embarrasing” Scores on Words with Friends

Teammates Attribute Brady’s Destroyed Phone to “Embarrasing” Scores on Words with Friends

By Mucky Cleatson, Ruse Social Media Correspondent and Grammar Fascist  A large percentage New England residents have destroyed their smartphones in solidarity with Brady, leading to notable nationwide decreases in the rates of racist Tweeting and Dunkin’ Donuts Mobile Perk Points redeeming. The destroyed cell phone that served as the basis of NFL’s decision to uphold Tom...
Rocco Termini Urges City To Ban Residents From Consuming Food Outside Of His Restaurants

Rocco Termini Urges City To Ban Residents From Consuming Food Outside Of His Restaurants

by Ronn Chesmonde, Rocco Termini Aura Reporter Local developer and restaurateur Rocco Termini has taken his battle to protect brick and mortar restaurants one step further. After publicly denouncing the City of Buffalo for allowing food trucks to operate on private property near his restaurant Dog é Style, the city real estate mogul pushed the city...
With New Draft Class, Bills Hope To Finally Be Among NFL’s Elite Wifebeaters, Rapists

With New Draft Class, Bills Hope To Finally Be Among NFL’s Elite Wifebeaters, Rapists

By Jay Turdski, Ruse Bills and “Please, Please Not Another Swirlie, Richie” Correspondent   Seeking to build on the offseason momentum gained with the signing of maligned locker room bully Richie Icognito, Buffalo Bills management recently expressed hope that even without a first round pick, the 2015 Bills draft class may finally move the team into the pantheon...

67 Years of Urban Decay Caused By Construction of Kensington Justified With “Awesome” 4 Minute TMNT Scene

By Wad Rotson, Ruse Urban Erosion & Amphibian Affairs Corespondent  Neighbors of the Kensington Expressway know that when life deals you poor planning, recession, segregation, and asthma, you’ve just gotta yell “Cowabunga!” When it comes to the Kensington Expressway, city officials, mass transit experts, and East Side residents all seem to agree: nearly 7 decades since...
Babcock Coaching Decision Looms; Sabres Fans Giddily Brainstorm Vulgar Sign Ideas

Babcock Coaching Decision Looms; Sabres Fans Giddily Brainstorm Vulgar Sign Ideas

By Mike Hairytounge, The Ruse’s Hirsute Harbinger of Hockey According to NHL sources, the Sabres and their fans will know by tomorrow morning whether or not Mike Babcock has decided to take his talents to Buffalo. The veteran coach will make a final decision after consulting with family this evening. Though it remains unclear in which direction he...
After Appeal, NFL Reduces Brady Suspension to 4 Weekends in Buffalo Area Hotels

After Appeal, NFL Reduces Brady Suspension to 4 Weekends in Buffalo Area Hotels

By Bic Spagucci, Ruse Hospitality Correspondent The league has reportedly not yet settled on the specific motels where Brady will be required to stay, but plan to use a complex algorithm involving 911 calls and bodily fluid levels to determine the final locations. Just hours after the NFL Players Association filed an appeal of Tom...
Where Are They Now? The Ruse Catches Up with Formerly Famous Western New Yorkers

Where Are They Now? The Ruse Catches Up with Formerly Famous Western New Yorkers

By Gil Phultanks, Frivolous Nostalgia Correspondent In the current age of the 24-hour news cycle, stories and celebrities come and go so quickly that it can be easy to forget them with the passage of time. Even our own local celebrities, whose stories we followed closely in their glory days, drift further and further from our collective consciousness...