By Frank Brutus

Kenmore-Town of Tonawanda Superintendent Mark Mondanaro announced Tuesday he is returning “all four” Scandinavian teenage slaves that he is allowed per his administrator’s contract, hoping to salvage teacher contract talks that he said are now headed for impasse even as the money-troubled district proposes cuts in teachers, administrators and some classes.

“I’m not grandstanding,” said Mondanaro, whose annual salary is $178,600, shortly after teachers packed the audience during a board meeting. “It’s time to move forward, together, and get things done in this District without me needing the services of my Scandinavian teenage slaves.”

The board has proposed a wide range of cuts to deal with an anticipated $5.1 million cut in state aid.

Teacher contract talks, meanwhile, are not going well.

“I believe an impasse is imminent,” Mondanaro said, as he received a foot massage from one of his non-English speaking secretaries while another rubbed hot oil on his temples.

In a prepared statement read to teachers in the audience, Darissa Stinson, board president, said teachers are highly valued and that “any one who doesn’t think that’s true should apply for a job in Ken Ton because we’re looking for warm bodies to do whatever it is teachers do if they decide to go on strike.”

Stinson said teachers and the district need to understand that residents of the district, like people elsewhere in the nation, “would love to have slaves, too. So it’s kind of a big deal when the Superintendent returns his four. And we’re asking the teachers in return to consider volunteering their time next year as a way to meet us in the middle.”

The Superintendent noted that the District would save in excess of $100 million if the teachers agreed to a “one-time” contract amendment that had them volunteer instead of get paid in 2010-2011.

“We could build one hell of a community sports, entertainment and gaming complex with savings like that,” said Mondanaro in between bites of caviar and sips of champagne.

By Bob Loblaw

Thompson With Jamaican Wind Broker

State Sen. Antoine M. Thompson was in Jamaica last week instead of a Senate session in Albany.

Thompson left the country without explaining where he was going and instructed his staff not to talk about  his whereabouts.

I caught up with the Senator at the airport as his party returned.

Thompson’s chief of staff, Mark J. Boyd, admitted that he and Thompson were in Jamaica on a trade mission with Jamaican officials involving renewable energy. Boyd was sporting new dreadlocks, was in a very up beat mood and kept singing ‘Feeling Hot Hot Hot, Feeling Hot Hot Hot.’ “Antoine and I just sealed the most lucrative renewable energy deal for our area, we actually feel like we took advantage of the poor Jamaicans, said Boyd.”

Senator Thompson added; “We have all those Windmills on the waterfront and sometimes they don’t spin. We talked with Jamaican officials and they agreed to sell us wind for the next 5 years. I did not tell anyone where I was going because I didn’t want them to sell the wind to another State or Country.” Thompson said. ”Those suckers will be spinning more than my head was after drinking all the complimentary Rum from the Jamaican officials.”

He said the deal involved up to $6 million annually and included an option to purchase sunlight if we decided to add Solar power to the region.

When asked how the wind would be transported back to our area, Thompson quipped “I’m a deal maker, I don’t worry about the little details on how things actually work.”

I had a few follow up questions for him but he dashed off just as the drug sniffing dogs were entering the terminal.

By Ronn Chesmonde

Mayor Byron Brown today ordered the city’s parks and recreation workers to begin the tedious job of mothballing Delaware Park in time for the 2010 summer season.  The Mayor, speaking at the Rose Garden’s Shakespeare Hill, cited his administration’s continuing efforts to “save money, lower taxes, eliminate crime in addition to the preservation and protection of Buffalo’s cultural assets for future generations.”

Brown said that the current generation has had “plenty of time to enjoy the park, but now our grandchildren need to know that they will be able to enjoy the same park in forty or fifty years.”

The Mayor also referenced the financial savings that will result in the mothballing of the park.  “We are all acutely aware of what’s happening with regard to the serious fiscal problems facing New York State,” said the Mayor.  “I want to be proactive and shut down the crown jewel in our parks system well in advance of the Governor turning his eye toward city-maintained properties.”

New York Governor David Paterson has been roundly criticized for suggesting the closure of state parks in order to maintain the employment of thousands of New Yorkers on the State’s swollen payroll who would otherwise be forced to actually find something productive to do with their miserable lives.

But Mayor Brown stressed that his order to mothball Delaware Park is a “win/win” for Buffalonians of all ages.  “I think what I am really talking about here is saving the park from itself,”  said the Mayor, who cited “the epiphany” he had as he watched huge plywood boards being placed over the windows of the bankrupt and vulnerable Statler Hotel.  “Someday that hotel might be returned to its former glory,” said Brown.  “And I think the same can be said about Delaware Park.”

The Mayor predicted that Park-related crime will “disappear almost overnight” after the mothball process has been completed.  “You can’t mug a jogger in Delaware Park when the jogger is not able to access the park,” said Brown.  “Muggers will have to look elsewhere to commit their petty crimes.  Like Amherst.”

Assistant to the Mayor Peter Cutler said that the dramatic rise in recent years of people enjoying the park “has certainly detracted from Delaware Park’s natural beauty and peacefulness.”  Cutler maintained that the thick plywood and snow fence that will be used to entomb the park “will restore some of that serenity that’s been missing for the past few years.”

By Frank Brutus

Disgraced former lawmaker and current heroic philanthropist Brian Davis purchased the decaying but prestigious Statler Hotel today, presenting Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown with a personal check made out to “Cash” for $100 million.

Proud new owner of the Statler.

The Mayor read a proclamation declaring every February 29th “Brian Davis Day” while the marching band from Emerson Vocational school played a rousing rendition of “Oh Happy Day” in front of the local landmark after David presented a post-dated check to the Mayor.

Davis, who was run out of office last year after pleading guilty to numerous felonies (later reduced to misdemeanors) involving forged financial instruments and misuse of public funds, says he has already lined up the “perfect” candidates to manage the rehabilitation of the historic building.

“Leonard Stokes has already accepted my offer to be a part of the team that restores the Statler to its former and deserved glory,” said Davis.  “I have already given him a 10-year advance salary and he will earn bonuses based on the size of the Sunday brunch crowd that makes reservations at the new restaurant that he plans to open inside the Statler this weekend.”

Stokes wasn’t able to attend the ceremony because, as Davis noted, he was busy loading dozens of U-Haul trucks with what was described as the “old” Statler catering equipment.  Davis noted that the proposed restaurant will be stocked with “lots of brand new stuff that we’re flying in from Thailand.”

Mayor Brown introduced to the assembled press corps each of the other “team members” who have agreed to be part of the rebirth of what will now be known as “The Brian Davis Statler Hotel.”

Delroy Jackson, a part-time bookie who lives on Fillmore Ave, will manage the coat-check service for hotel guests.

Steve Hopkins, a self-described “problem solver” who collects debts for Delroy Jackson, will oversee the valet parking operation.

Betty Jean Grant, currently a member of the Erie County Legislature, who is set to begin the tedious job of replacing all of the hotel’s water-damaged plaster with drywall on each and every one of the nineteen floors of the vaunted structure.  “I’m going to carry out the old plaster in garbage bags so we can save money by not renting a dumpster,” said a beaming Grant.

Grant estimates that the plaster removal will take “at least a month” to complete.

Firm chooses court appointed attorney, and will defend itself from itself.

By Hardy Astrom

In what many in the legal profession are calling, “The Holy Grail,” local personal injury firm Cellino and Barnes will be suing itself for and defending itself from negatively impacting the mental state of thousands of Western New Yorkers.  And because of a strange decision in the courts, they will be paid for both roles.

Bad Touch

The Cellino and Barnes website recently began offering, “legal counsel for PTSD resulting from a visual assault from both shiny domed, and thick-browed prostitutes”.  Accompanying the offer is a video that thousands of area TV viewers have been forced to watch during Buffalo Sabres broadcasts.  Unannounced, the two pop up at the bottom of the screen, with unnatural tans and what many describe as “smarmy dispositions.”  While unnerving and moderately hideous, few would seem to suffer long term damage.

Tim Morris, a spokesman for the firm, said the response was immediate.  “Thousands,” he said, speaking of the number of inquiries.  “The advertisements are obviously so offensive that they seem to have a profound effect on people, both mentally and emotionally.  Look at those guys.  It’s like the devil just rose out of Hell and into your living room.  The nervous system is simply not able to handle what the eyes are feeding it.”

Essentially, the firm is luring people to initiate litigation against itself.  Many wonder why.

“What those people don’t know,” says UB law professor Peter Pilliod, “is that Cellino and Barnes has reached an agreement with the State to provide defense lawyers to the court, at the taxpayers expense.  They will essentially be getting paid to defend themselves from this litigation.”  Asked if this is an exploitation of the system and taxpayer money, Pilliod said only, “You’re dealing with legal perverts.  They are fondling the genitals of the Constitution.”

Cellino and Barnes would still stand to lose money if any judgment was ruled against them.  ”Boy, you never know,” said Morris.  “The only thing you can do is set up an appointment and see if you are going to be really rich, really soon.”

By Frank Brutus

“We’ve got pellet guns, handguns, shotguns, semi-automatic weapons.  Everything a gun enthusiast could possibly want we will be selling at prices that will fit nicely into budgets of all shapes and sizes.”

Mayor Brown: Offering Bang for Bucks.

Those were the words of Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, who stood on the steps of City Hall yesterday to announce the city’s first ever “Gun Sell Back” program.  The Mayor described the “Sell Back” as the “next logical step” in the evolution of his administration’s progressive revenue-producing policies that will “simultaneously make our coffers fuller and our streets safer.”

The Mayor, who initiated a weapons “Buy Back” program for each of the last four years, said “the time is right to give something back to the gun enthusiasts who have so generously supported the ‘Buy Back’ program for the past few years.  Since last January 20th, my administration has fielded numerous inquiries about selling guns to white Buffalonians who populate the city’s north and south sides.  I am proud to say that as of today we will happily comply with their request to purchase a weapon from the City of Buffalo.”

The Mayor noted that the “Gun Sell Back” will not be limited to the city’s white gun enthusiasts.  “We’re anticipating that people from every race, creed, religion and income level will purchase guns at this event,” said Brown, who predicts that the “Gun Sell Back” will ultimately reduce crime in the city.  “If criminals plan to perpetrate a crime after the “Gun Sell Back,” they’ll have no way of knowing if the citizen they plan to mug just bought a gun from my “Sell Back” event.  Why would they risk their own lives trying to rob a law-abiding and freshly-armed citizen?”

Jermaine Sproule, a small-time criminal who makes a living “recycling” abandoned car stereos and custom auto parts, said he plans to sleep outside City Hall in his “borrowed” car to ensure he has a good place in line when the doors are opened on Saturday morning for the Gun Sell Back.  “I called ahead to see what the deal is and the lady told me to bring cash or a money order and my library card for identification.’  I’m there, yo.”

By Frank Brutus

Collins: "My campaign will last this long."

Erie County Executive Chris Collins has found himself on the hot seat once again after a State legislator overheard the prospective gubernatorial candidate advising a female companion on how best to get a seat at the crowded State of the State address offered by current Governor David Paterson.

A spokeswoman for the County Executive said yesterday that Collins is “absolutely 100% sorry that he was misheard saying something he doesn’t even remember at this point.”  Collins himself vehemently denied using either of the words “lap” or “dance” and instead offered each of the following phrases that he says he whispered loudly to his female companion during the Governor’s speech:

1. “Don’t look now but I think the Governor just gave me a sap glance.”
2. “Have you heard about Channel 4 weatherman Mike Cejka’s new ass-less chap stance?”
3. “Would you like this seat while I excuse myself?  I’m pretty sure I just crapped my pants.”
4. “Wow, check out Lynn Marinelli’s ‘back door.’  It’s getting bigger than a map of France.”
5. “I don’t know why it burns so badly when I urinate.  I probably have gonorrhea.  Could that explain my flat-u-lance?”

The County Executive claimed he was engaged in a private conversation “with a dear old friend” whom he met at the Colony Lounge on Hertel Avenue during a Six Sigma conference last March and that his comments to her have been “twisted by my sworn enemies beyond all recognition, including my own.”

Collins says this is not the first time that words he didn’t even say have been inappropriately used against him.  “It’s just another example of political genocide,” said Collins.  “It’s no different than the Holocaust, except this time the only victim is me, Chris Collins.  Activist.  Reformer.  Genius.  Once again I have proof that the political elite in this state are clearly threatened by my greatness.”

Collins said he was “unswayed” by polls showing 90% of likely voters living in Manhattan consistently but incorrectly identify him as the inventor of The Garden Weasel.

Mayor bravely confronts fiscal woes by indirectly firing people in intensive care.

By Hardy Astrom

Recently, Mayor Byron Brown notified H. McCarthy Gipson that he was fired from his appointment as Buffalo’s Police Chief. Gipson learned of his dismissal from a news report he watched while lying in intensive care in the hospital. The Ruse has since learned that the Mayor has a history of tactless communiqué.

How did you find out…

…that the mayor fired you as Fire Commissioner?
“I responded to what I thought was a 3 alarm blaze and arrived at an address where a barbershop quartet was performing. They sang a song titled, ‘I’m Puttin’ You Out Like Yo’ Ass Was On Fire’.”
–Michael Lombardo

…that the mayor had an affair?
“I was presented with a love child that looked exactly like Bonnie Russell.”
–Michelle Brown

…that you were being relieved of your responsibilities at One Sunset Restaurant?
“I was given the Key to the City and a severance package of $163,000. And a concubine.”
–Leonard Stokes

…that the Mayor wanted you to resign?
“He gazed at me over the candlelight and whispered, ‘I wish I knew how to quit you.’  Then he said, ‘But I wish you knew how to quit the Common Council even more.’”
–Brian Davis

…that you were in trouble for stealing the family vehicle and bouncing it off of a dozen cars?
“He said it was time I learned a valuable political lesson: ‘Sometimes, even though it don’t seem right, you have to tell the truth. Otherwise white people just will not shut up.’”
–Byron Brown III

…that you were to receive the Key to the City?
“He was in the bushes at my townhouse. I thought he tryin’ to get to my publicist Kita ‘cuz she hot as hell. Then he say that he wants to trade keys with me: Key to the City for the key to my place. Then Kita kicked his ass.”
–Terrell Owens

Interviews at Wende to conclude next week.

By Hardy Astrom

The search for a replacement for Brian Davis’ Common Council seat goes through the Department of Corrections this week, as City officials look to overlook the felonies that have landed several candidates behind bars.  A sign that many see as desperate has the Council scheduling interviews at Wende Correctional Facility and the Erie County Holding Center downtown next week.  Council member Bonnie Russell says that just because the candidates happen to be in jail doesn’t mean they won’t be able to serve their constituents well.

“I’m not going to deny someone the right to public service just because they are currently unable to coexist with the public,” she said in a phone interview.  “No more than I would deny a candidate who lived in a plastic bubble because of an immune deficiency.  This is Barak Obama’s America, people.”

The Ruse has learned that the candidates are incarcerated for felonies ranging from tax evasion and insurance fraud to arson and violent hate crimes.  Of the nine candidates who are currently in the running for Davis’ vacated seat, six are currently in a relationship with the judicial system.  The remaining three include a 78-year-old Pennsylvania resident who has never lived in the area, as well as developmentally disabled twins who currently reside in an assisted living complex in West Seneca.

Russell is optimistic that the search will be fruitful and that the seat will be filled by the end of January.  “Though we’ll have to revisit our residency requirements, we are looking at a highly qualified group of candidates who are certain to bring a new perspective to the Council,” she said.  “Perhaps an outsider’s view will breathe a little life into the Council.”  Russell said.

Critics of the applicants have repeatedly voiced concerns at Council meetings in recent weeks.  Most vehement objections came after Russell tried to liken incarceration to physical handicaps.

“Unfortunately, assault and hate crimes can be a part of everyone’s history.  It doesn’t preclude them from being responsible public servants,” Russell said in response last week.  ”I certainly wouldn’t deny someone with one leg or a drooly speech impediment from being on the Common Council.”

Council Member Mickey Kearns disagrees with the comparison.  “I don’t think it’s appropriate to compare an amputee to a person who burned a swastika into someone’s hair.  It doesn’t make sense,”  Kearns said, referring to David Wayne Darian, one of the candidates serving out the last 3 years of his 9-year sentence.

Russell remains hopeful that the candidates can overcome their sordid personal pasts.  “Brian Davis showed that he could serve the public valiantly while avoiding prosecution for bad math skills with respect to his personal finances.  If he can do that, I don’t see why an arsonist can’t advocate for the citizens of Buffalo.”

Council member Michael LoCurto has made his endorsement clear.  “I’d advise Buffalonians to go with the twins.  They just make better life decisions.”

Mayor:  “Someday this is eventually going to be awesome at some point in the future.”

By Hardy Astrom

The City of Buffalo has announced that it has obtained an agreement in principle with Bass Pro to construct a new bridge replacing the outdated Peace Bridge. Bass Pro officials, who have yet to break ground on a superstore at the site of the recently deconstructed Memorial Auditorium, are excited about the prospect of building a signature bridge.
Mark Cornwall, spokesman for Bass Pro, made the announcement Tuesday. “We’re pleased to announce a letter of intent indicating our probable intention to build ‘Bass Pro’s Ugly Stik Spinning Rod Bridge’.” The bridge, named for Bass Pro’s top selling ultra lite fishing rod, has yet to be designed.
Mayor Byron Brown, speaking from his International Bridge Resource Center in Raleigh, North Carolina, expressed his excitement, and welcomed the outdoor giant’s fresh ideas.
“We have decided to dismiss all of the previous designs for structures that might have someday joined Canada and the U.S.” he said in a telephone interview. “In our dealings with Bass Pro, we have come to expect great expectations. And the City expects to anticipate a great plan that Buffalo and Fort Erie can look forward to expecting to enjoy looking ahead to in the years to come.”
Opponents to the joint business enterprise between the City and Bass Pro needed only to reflect on the lack of progress with the pair’s first unfinished venture.
“Unstarted, actually,” commented Dominic Fragale, founder of ‘ResponsAccounailiTy”, or RAT, a local political watchdog group. “At our most recent organizational meeting, which was called in response to this announcement, we spent the first 45 minutes in silence. A group of over 150 activists were literally speechless, if you can believe that.” Fragale added that his group would begin organizing protests immediately, perhaps even beating Bass Pro to the punch. “One suggestion was to see if we could build our own bridge before Bass Pro gets started. We could probably build it using the bodies of citizens who have died since Bass Pro first promised us a store.”
Mayor Brown strongly disagrees with Fragale’s group. “Logistically speaking I have serious doubts as to whether Buffalo based corpses would make for a structurally sound bridge. I’m no expert, but just considering decomposition….I mean….I don’t think that would work at all. Though if Bass Pro presented us with a carcass signature bridge I would certainly sign on. In the context of Bass Pro at the helm of a dead body bridge, I find it rather exciting.”