By Larry Flesler

I just returned from a trip to lovely Erie, PA after visiting my estranged daughter so I’m refreshed and eager to get back writing.

-Erie, PA is a great little town.  It is like Buffalo’s cousin. The one with no friends, body odor and bad breath.

-I can’t wait for the NBA playoffs to start. Kobe may be a whiner but he can dribble on me anytime he wants.

-I was really shocked to hear that Dabney Coleman’s only son Gary had died. Gary was never able to live up to his Dad’s acting ability but he was a swell little actor. Whenever I watched Gary I was never sure if I was laughing with or at the little freak.

-I have a fondness for bubble baths.

-Watching Danny Briere in the Stanley Cup finals has to be eating away at Larry Quinn. He is said to be close to impaling himself on an autographed Don Luce stick.

-Chan Gailey and Buddy Nix have been spotted at the Scotch and Sirloin on recent Saturday evenings. Chan has been wearing a disguise of long black hair braided with pig tails and a see-through evening gown. Buddy has been dressed as a Jockey.

- I love the rain. Sometimes I’ll strip down to my unmentionables and sit on my front lawn for a nature bath.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Dennis Hopper.  He was great in Porky’s Revenge.

-They say celebrity deaths happen in threes.  I say the next one to go will be John Tesh.

By Jerry Mulligan

So I bumped into Carl Paladino the other night while I was nursing my Seven Up & tonic at Rick’s Tally Ho on

"I'm not racist. I just don't trust blacks."

Genesee Street and we got into a great conversation about the hapless Buffalo Sabres and their early exit from the playoffs.  Carl was kind enough to send me his notes on the team in the hopes that his thoughts can help Golisano and company get it right next year.

So here we go, Carl Paladino on the Buffalo Sabres:

Goaltending: “Ryan Miller is the greatest goaltender in the league right now.  None of the team’s troubles can be blamed on him.  He is just a fantastic role model for every youngster in this city.  Speaking of youngsters, most of Buffalo’s African youth has been left behind because the Buffalo Public Schools only hires blacks and they are running a ship that was already sinking straight into the ground.”  Grade: A

Forwards: “Most of these guys remind me of a subject that I am well-versed in: pussies.  Crashing the net once a month would go a long way to help talented players like Connolly or Roy.  Ennis and Gerbe do it.  Why can’t they?  Connolly should spend more time lifting weights and less time urinating on his girlfriends.  And I say that not because I am racist.  It’s not racist to call Connolly out for something that’s true.  That’s how I operate, people.  Get used to it because there will be no irresponsible pee deviants in New York after I’m elected Governor.”  Grade: C-

Defense: “Tyler Myers is the future of this hockey team.  And Craig Rivet is the past.  Rivet skates about as well as Larry Playfair except that he can’t fight or shoot.  What kind of a captain is that?  Speaking of trading our captain, I am confident that once the citizens of New York hear about my plan to abolish government, institute martial law on tax-evading poor people and gain control of every parking lot from here to Manhattan I will be voted in as Governor faster than Rivet can clean out his locker.”  Grade: B-

Special Teams: “These guys sucked for most of the year.  A woman having sex with a horse could put more shots on net than the power play unit.  And believe me, she’d look better doing it.   And when’s the last time you saw one of penalty killers block a shot with something other than his gingerly outstretched stick?  Speaking of shots, I’ve been targeted by the liberal elite for firing a barrage of truth at them.  Now they’re running scared.  And all I can say is ‘Bring it on, bitches.’  You’re messing with the wrong guy.”  Grade: D+

Coaching: “The power play sucked.  The penalty kill sucked.  But the Sabres won the Northeast Division.  Then they lost in the first round.  What’s Regier to do?  Fire Lindy.  I could use an opinionated but well-loved campaign manager who’s not afraid to laugh out loud when he sees the President dressed up as a pimp.  Lindy, call me.  We would make a great team on and off the ice.” Grade: C+

Ownership & Upper Management: “Larry Quinn is worse than the black guy who’s ruining the schools.  I thought the Irish were supposed to be smart.  And I love Tom Golisano but Quinn must have pictures of him doing a lot worse than what I forwarded to my group of friends.  Either that or they’re in some sort of sick Devil’s Triangle with Regier and I am morally opposed to that sort of abomination.  Tom’s coughing up some good money but Quinn and Regier keep reeling in dead fish to heave onto the ice just before the playoffs start.  I can smell Torres’ stink from here and I’m not even inhaling.” Grade: B-

By Wad Rotson

I went to my first Ku Klux Klan meeting last week and let me tell you something: I’ve never been so lonely in a crowd before.

Seeing only one other African-American (he was holding the door for the 100 people gathered in the Wheatfield Community Center), I have to admit I felt like … well … like a black guy at a Tea Party rally.

The turnout reminded me why the Klan movement seems to attract so few African-Americans. When you get past the obvious answer — the Klan advocates the complete and total oppression of all African Americans — there’s still an undeniable fact: Blacks complain about life’s inequities just as loudly as any member of the Klan.

But when it comes to Klan rallies, it turns out that blacks are skipping out on the parties thrown by this hate group.  In droves.

Local organizer Gus Rompson says the almost 100% white turnouts are not entirely reflective. He claims there are “dozens” of blacks locally that have promised to “pay me a visit” if he doesn’t stop showing up on their front lawns with flaming pieces of lumber.  “They might be wondering about how to become official members,” says Rompson.  “Or they might just want some of our political literature.  I don’t know.”

“I do want to see more minorities pay the fee to join our group,” Rompson said, claiming that the Klan has modified its exclusive membership requirements in order to “increase the balance in our bank account.”  But Rompson cautioned that although the Klan will happily take their money, minorities “might not necessarily feel welcome” at the actual rallies.  “But they can all use their membership card for 20% off golf lessons at Transit Valley Country Club.  That alone would more than pay for the membership fee,” said Rompson.

Rompson lamented that the days of the powerful, wealthy white Klan members in Western New York are over.  “Paladino’s the only guy left with money and he’s obviously too busy reading his e-mails to play an active role in our group.  So we’ve had to lower the bar, so to speak, to build up our financial base.”

But if the movement is serious about attracting blacks, it’s also going to have to check its own rhetoric.

While the tenor of the Wheatfield meeting was civil — or as civil as you can be while talking about burning crosses, getting rid of “those people” and transforming welfare into a “whites only club” — some of the Klan’s buzz words (like “returning to the roots of the real America” by “repealing child labor laws” and “sending all non-whites to forced labor camps”) are going to cause this party to fizzle like a wet firecracker on the Fourth of July.

It’s pretty safe to say that from now on, the only party I’ll be reporting on is the one I attend every Friday night at Swizzle’s on Genesee Street (where you don’t need a funny hat to get through the door).

By Frank Brutus

Vote here for the Buffalo Ruse’s Mardi Gras float as Best Entry in Artvoice’s contest: Ruse Float Then watch Frank Brutus hit the streets on Fat Tuesday to ask Buffalonians some hard hitting questions that are exclusive to The Ruse .

Firm chooses court appointed attorney, and will defend itself from itself.

By Hardy Astrom

In what many in the legal profession are calling, “The Holy Grail,” local personal injury firm Cellino and Barnes will be suing itself for and defending itself from negatively impacting the mental state of thousands of Western New Yorkers.  And because of a strange decision in the courts, they will be paid for both roles.

Bad Touch

The Cellino and Barnes website recently began offering, “legal counsel for PTSD resulting from a visual assault from both shiny domed, and thick-browed prostitutes”.  Accompanying the offer is a video that thousands of area TV viewers have been forced to watch during Buffalo Sabres broadcasts.  Unannounced, the two pop up at the bottom of the screen, with unnatural tans and what many describe as “smarmy dispositions.”  While unnerving and moderately hideous, few would seem to suffer long term damage.

Tim Morris, a spokesman for the firm, said the response was immediate.  “Thousands,” he said, speaking of the number of inquiries.  “The advertisements are obviously so offensive that they seem to have a profound effect on people, both mentally and emotionally.  Look at those guys.  It’s like the devil just rose out of Hell and into your living room.  The nervous system is simply not able to handle what the eyes are feeding it.”

Essentially, the firm is luring people to initiate litigation against itself.  Many wonder why.

“What those people don’t know,” says UB law professor Peter Pilliod, “is that Cellino and Barnes has reached an agreement with the State to provide defense lawyers to the court, at the taxpayers expense.  They will essentially be getting paid to defend themselves from this litigation.”  Asked if this is an exploitation of the system and taxpayer money, Pilliod said only, “You’re dealing with legal perverts.  They are fondling the genitals of the Constitution.”

Cellino and Barnes would still stand to lose money if any judgment was ruled against them.  ”Boy, you never know,” said Morris.  “The only thing you can do is set up an appointment and see if you are going to be really rich, really soon.”