By Ronn Chesmonde

I want to pause to remind everyone that I have been on a bender for the last three weeks.

But enough gloating. Before another warm, sunny day passes, I want to share a few of my favorite places to visit during the hottest days of Buffalo’s summer.  Do you have a place you love to get publicly intoxicated and wet your pants? You can e-mail me and I’ll save them for a future column: drunkasscracker@buffaloruse.com.

• Hoyt Lake: It doesn’t smell like dead fish anymore and the police usually recognize me and let me stagger on my way without issuing me an appearance ticket.  That’s a far cry from the night I ended up on the Shakespeare stage during a live performance.  The crowd screamed in horror as I peed myself at center stage just before the end of Act I.  I told the judge the reaction of the crowd was Much Ado About Nothing.

• Crystal Beach: I tried to get on the old yellow wooden coaster and was shocked to find that it had been replaced by CONDOMINIUMS.  Let me tell you people, alcohol-induced blackouts are not always as fun as you think they might be.  When did this happen?  Where is the Comet?  The Lazy River?  Now all that’s left is the sandy white beach, which I trolled slowly in a leopard-skin thong that I bought at Kohl’s specifically to impress the Canadian cougars.  It didn’t work.

• The guy who guesses your weight at the Erie County Fair: I’m talking a pro, not some college kid working summers at an amusement park. You fool him, you’ve earned your stuffed animal. I get my money’s worth just watching him get a hair-pull and a beat-down every time he guesses wrong when an East Side grandmother is his customer. Apparently he errs on the plus side!  As much as it hurts to watch the ladies whack him with their purses and canes, you gotta admire the man’s courage (and honesty!).
Afterward, this city slicker gets a kick out of heading to the barns to look for a lonely sheep in need of a gentle friend. To the sheep, it’s another day in the life of being used as a sexual prop. To me, it’s a reason to consider re-locating to Eden.

• Artpark’s Tuesday night concerts: Apparently, I am no longer allowed here.  But according to the legal report filed by the Lewiston Police, I sure did enjoy myself in the women’s restroom the last time I attended the free concert on the Niagara Escarpment.

• Your Friend’s boat/pool: OK, it is not a weekend on the Riviera. But for purely practical purposes, the simplicity and sociability beats the heck out of a 28-day rehab. As the saying goes, even better than owning a boat or a pool is getting so drunk that you think you can fly. You get the fun without the frustrations. Show your gratitude with a gift and don’t forget to slap the sunscreen on your bare-white buttocks. It’s summer on Lake Erie, baby, and the pants are bound to come off after the fourth margarita!

By Larry Flesler

I just returned from a trip to lovely Erie, PA after visiting my estranged daughter so I’m refreshed and eager to get back writing.

-Erie, PA is a great little town.  It is like Buffalo’s cousin. The one with no friends, body odor and bad breath.

-I can’t wait for the NBA playoffs to start. Kobe may be a whiner but he can dribble on me anytime he wants.

-I was really shocked to hear that Dabney Coleman’s only son Gary had died. Gary was never able to live up to his Dad’s acting ability but he was a swell little actor. Whenever I watched Gary I was never sure if I was laughing with or at the little freak.

-I have a fondness for bubble baths.

-Watching Danny Briere in the Stanley Cup finals has to be eating away at Larry Quinn. He is said to be close to impaling himself on an autographed Don Luce stick.

-Chan Gailey and Buddy Nix have been spotted at the Scotch and Sirloin on recent Saturday evenings. Chan has been wearing a disguise of long black hair braided with pig tails and a see-through evening gown. Buddy has been dressed as a Jockey.

- I love the rain. Sometimes I’ll strip down to my unmentionables and sit on my front lawn for a nature bath.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Dennis Hopper.  He was great in Porky’s Revenge.

-They say celebrity deaths happen in threes.  I say the next one to go will be John Tesh.

By Frank Brutus

Mayor Brown scrambled today to contain a small but growing firestorm of controversy over his failure to perform a national search for candidates who might lead the Buffalo Police Department.

The Mayor released a copy of a memo that he says he wrote to himself last November regarding the hiring process for the next Police Commissioner.  The Mayor maintained that the memo contains “the things that I am looking for in the person who will be the next leader of our brave men and women in the Buffalo Police Department.”

According to the memo, here are Mayor Brown’s requirements for the job:

*Candidate cannot have been corrupted by higher education. College makes people think they’re smarter than they really are.  Look at Mickey Kearns.
*Candidate should probably be white. The last guy didn’t work out so well.  Try a different color this time.  Are Italians white?  Have one of my assistants check on that.
*Candidate should be at my beck and call. Will someone from outside of Buffalo fit this requirement?  Probably not.  Try to promote from within.
*No one is going to listen to a female Police Commissioner whine and gripe about how we need “new colored police cars.”  Therefore, hire a guy.
*Anonymity is a virtue here.  No prior headlines about politics, loyalties, corruption or graft.  The dumber the better (see first requirement).
*Candidate shouldn’t know anything about the time my son stole my car.  If anyone asks about that in the interview they are finished in this town!
*No Irish. I don’t need Mickey Kearns sticking his fat little fingers into my Police Department.
*Candidate should have trouble counting past 40 (see first requirement).  Because the new Commissioner isn’t going to approve any overtime while he’s working for me.
*Candidate shouldn’t be intelligent enough to even think about a run for Mayor in four years (see first requirement).

By Ronn Chesmonde

Carl Paladino isn’t sunk yet.  Not by a long shot.

15 Inches On The Erie Canal

The Buffalo businessman whose political posters claim he is “Mad as Hell” is taking his campaign to the stagnant waters of the Erie Canal in an attempt to attract a new breed of voters between Albany and Buffalo.

“We’re bringing along a mule and a stripper,” announced Paladino, as oversaw the decorating of a rented garbage scow that will cover the 400-miles between Albany and Buffalo in the next two weeks.  “The two of them will act out live scenes that depict New York State’s political history to show the voters in graphic detail how badly they have been [expletive deleted] by the politicians they have voted into office again and again.”

According to Paladino, the mule (which he says he named Sal “to appeal to the children who love that canal song by Bruce Springsteen”) represents the politicians and the stripper, named Cinnamon, will play the part of New York State taxpayers.

Paladino thinks that this water-based tour will “definitely attract some positive attention to my campaign, which has been repeatedly and unfairly sabotaged by the liberal elite, the North Koreans and Microsoft Outlook.”

Until Paladino admitted his part in the e-mail scandal, only one in one thousand New York City residents could identify him as an actual member of the human race in gubernatorial polls.  Now, thanks to the New York Post, CNN and MSNBC, everyone seems to know who Carl Paladino is.

“I must say I am quite easily recognized whenever I am out in public now,” said Paladino.  “I attribute that to the fact that people are more angry than ever and they know that I am the only person whose going to stand up and say ‘Enough is enough’ to the special interests in Albany that have lined my pockets for the last twenty years.”

The businessman failed to see a connection between the proposed live sex show on the Canal and the controversial bestiality e-mails he admitted forwarding to friends in March.

“I’m done talking about the e-mails,” said Paladino.  “I’d much rather talk about what Sal is going to do to Cinnamon and how that is exactly what the voters in this state are enduring day after day, week after week from the Albany politicians they’ve sent back to office again and again.”

Animal rights advocates denounced Paladino’s proposed burlesque show as “illegal, immoral and inhumane.”

Paladino quickly replied that “you can’t treat a mule inhumanely when it’s not even human to begin with.  Besides, critics said the same thing about James Joyce when he wrote ‘Ulysses’ and look how smart that guy turned out to be.”

By Ronn Chesmonde

This time things went too far.

I was waiting at a red light last Saturday on Delaware Avenue.  There was a woman behind me, well-dressed, in an SUV with two kids, maybe 14 and 12.  She was so soccer-mom that she should have had “Pele” tatooed on her forehead.  Anyway, the light changed and before I had a chance to shift my foot to the gas, she laid on the horn.

What the?!?!?

As I started to move, I looked in the rear-view mirror, caught her eye and extended my palm upward in a “Bring it on, be-yatch” gesture.

She responded by leaning forward and flipping me the double-bird. A soccer mom. On a Saturday afternoon. In broad daylight. In front of her kids.

So I leapt from my car and proceeded to beat her to within an inch of her life.  In broad daylight.  In front of her kids.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we are on the edge of an epidemic. This weekend marks the unofficial start of the summer driving season. Yet I already have been goaded into violently assaulting people in recent weeks after they’ve participated in finger-extension incidents in my tony Delaware district neighborhood.

Let the summer fun begin: from now on, if you flip me the bird, I am going to try to kill you in your own car.

This is supposed to be the City of Good Neighbors. But from now on I’m treating it like the City of the Neighbor Who Beats You Down In Retaliation.

I know all about the slow breakdown of morals, the relaxing of standards, the insidious effect on society of a mass media constantly selling sex and skin.

I hear about it constantly from my ex-wife, who incessantly reminds me that I gave her chlamydia ten years into our marriage.

Similarly, the on-road gesture once reserved for the most unforgivable of sins—like going 29 in a 30 mph zone— is now as common as genital crabs.

As a public service, I propose some of my new rules of the road:

1. When the traffic light changes, give the person in front of you a nanosecond to move.  Then lean on the horn as if you’re climaxing in front the inappropriate movie you downloaded onto your work computer.

2. If following a slower driver, hurl something at their car when the opportunity presents. Then push up to his back bumper, flash your headlights, lean on your horn and, after pulling in front of him, slam on your brakes and flip him the finger.

3. Channel your road rage by taking deep breaths, humming the chorus to Public Enemy’s “You’re Gonna Get Yours” and reminding yourself that any violent response is worth arriving at your destination approximately two minutes later than you planned.

Bird-flippers of WNY, I ask you: Do you want to see Ronn Chesmonde’s gun show?

I think it is time to extend my hand. And pull the trigger.

By Jerry Mulligan

Former Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly knows a thing or four about being a loser.

Jim Kelly: "Pull My Finger."

And he wasn’t shy about sharing his luckless advice during his commencement speech to the 2010 graduates of Niagara County Community College.

“All of you sitting in this audience today went straight from some High School to a little-known two year college,” Kelly noted in his opening remarks.   “That tells me right off the bat that you were in the bottom fifth of your class, lucky to graduate at all.  So that means that many of you are already accustomed to futility.  And by the looks of things to come, you all have a lot more of that to look forward to.”

In stark terms and with bold delivery, Jim Kelly told the graduates “the one thing that your families, friends and professors at NCCC never could: You are all losers.”

Kelly reminded the graduates that being a loser is not such a bad thing.  “You get to be the underdog every time,” said Kelly.

But the hapless quarterback implored the graduates to be the “best losers” they can be.  “Anyone can be a two or three-time loser at something,” said Kelly.  “But it takes real skill and ability to say that you’ve achieved at least four colossal failures in your life.”

Kelly challenged the graduates to see how many areas in their lives they could earn the distinction of being considered a loser.  “Blowing your marriage, getting fired from your job, poorly raising your kids, breaking tax laws, having terrible personal hygiene and incontinence,”  said Kelly.  “The possibilities are endless when it comes to being a multiple loser in life.  Oh, and did I mention running a business into the ground?”

An upbeat Kelly told the graduates that the economic outlook for America “has never looked worse.”  He forecast that the jobs “just won’t be there because all the old people with better experience than any of you have come out of retirement because their savings accounts have evaporated.”

And when it came time for the former quarterback to share some of his deepest personal experiences with the audience, Kelly didn’t hold back.

“Don’t hit your wife because when that kind of news makes the papers it will affect any endorsement deals that you might have.  Who could have guessed that one little back-handed slap to the face would cost me over a million dollars in income?”

By Frank Brutus

Former Lewiston-Porter School Board member Ed Lilly used a campaign of hate, misogyny and misinformation to try to win back his seat on the Board.

Ed Lilly: Morally Erect

He says that he fell short “by just a few thousand” of the votes he needed to secure a spot he had held previously for almost twelve years.

Lilly, who stood outside of the polling station in the rain distributing a full-color flyer depicting him in an aroused state above the caption ‘Ed Lilly: Morally Erect,’ said that he doesn’t regret the direction his campaign took.

“First of all, I want to clarify that I absolutely love women and minorities.  I just don’t think there’s any place for them in Lew-Port,” said Lilly, who denied reports that he recently hired a male escort he met in an online chat room hosted by YoungStuds.com to accompany him on a “fact finding” mission to Thailand.  “He wasn’t my companion, he only carried my bags for me,” said Lilly, who claimed that he recently injured himself while playing with nitrous oxide gas and his pet gerbil.

Lilly’s supporters came out in fits and starts to support their candidate.

“Ed’s the only man I know I know who understands that people need to be gingerly held and caressed after a rousing game of slap and tickle,” said Mark Gein, a convicted felon who isn’t allowed to vote but came out to show his support nonetheless.

“The school board is always getting caught up in student-related issues,” said Gein.   “What those people really need to do is figure out how to lower my taxes while at the same time keeping out the blacks and Hispanics.  Ed wouldn’t even need any help with that last part.  He’d be able to do it just by his forceful personality alone.”

Lilly does have his detractors.

Lois Langfield called Lilly an “embarrassment to our community” and “the poster-child for everything that’s wrong with America right now.”  She didn’t appreciate the naked pictures of Lilly that appeared in her mailbox and feels that he may have a “serious psychological disorder” that needs “immediate medical attention.”

Lilly referred to Langfield as a “misguided crone” and described himself as “upbeat after an incredibly narrow defeat.”  He said that he is “looking ahead to the next Tea Party event where I can prove to my supporters that I am the white, er, right man for any available political office.”

By Ronn Chesmonde

State Senator Antoine Thompson says his sponsorship of a bill proposing a raise for “any state senator with the first name ‘Antoine’ or the last name ‘Thompson’ is a “dramatic coincidence that I have nothing to do with.”

Senator Antoine Thompson, shown during his debate with a lima bean.

“Actually, my interns worked on this bill so you would have to speak to them,” said Thompson, as he emerged from the steam spa of Albany’s exclusive Fat Cat Athletic Club.  “I am sure that there are other senators who have the name ‘Antoine’ or ‘Thompson’ who have more of a vested interest in seeing this bill make it into law.  I could care less, personally.”

Thompson, who has been criticized recently for sponsoring a law that lifts jury-awarded monetary awards for injuries suffered in auto accidents involving “any state senator born in Buffalo while traveling anywhere in the known universe in his SUV,” said that he is “too busy doing the work of the people to read a lot of the bills that I end up being the sponsor of.”

Thompson directed reporters with any further inquiries to call his Campaign Manager at a phone number that only contained five digits.  The rest of the numbers, according to Thompson, “will be made available soon.”

Illegally-parked horse was common infraction at turn of last century.

By Frank Brutus

The year was 1898.  Automobiles had not yet been widely introduced in America and most people in Buffalo traveled by foot or on horseback.

Buffalo scofflaw Van Slyke, who died in 1918.

On Buffalo’s West Side, near millionaire’s row, alternate horse parking signs were erected that year by the Common Council to make plowing easier during the harsh Western New York winters.

And now the great-grandson of Charles Van Slyke is finding out just how challenging it is to be the descendent of a scofflaw.

Lifelong Buffalo resident Tony DeSimone received a ticket in the mail last week in the amount of $702.  The ticket alleges that Van Slyke, who died in 1918, parked his horse on the wrong side of Richmond on February 2, 1898 and never paid the ticket that was issued to him for the infraction.

According to Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown, the city has undertaken an “aggressive campaign” to bill the children, grand-children and great-grand-children of anyone who failed to pay a ticket issued by the Buffalo Police Department between the years 1872 and 1945.

“These people, though deceased, are not above the law,” said the Mayor as he stood outside the gates of Forest Lawn Cemetery, where many of the scofflaws are buried.  “In a time of great economic distress, we rely more than ever on the unpaid fines of those gentlemen who, with no remorse, parked their horses illegally, spit in public on Sundays and who neglected to remove their hats upon entering a bank.”

The Mayor said that, in most cases, when compounded interest is attached to the original fine of $2, the balance owed by the offspring of the scofflaws is close to $1000.00.  “Do you know how many private security guards I can hire to sit outside my City Hall office for $1000.00?” asked the Mayor.  “This is no small amount of money we’re talking about.”

DeSimone, who said that he plans on moving to a city where he “actually feels welcome” said that he will be calling his local Councilman to ask him “Which orifice in your body do you want to stick this bill?”

By Larry Flesler

-The Sabres playoff exit should be a wake up call to management.  Watching Gerbe and Ennis zip around like gnats shows that the team needs smaller players.  I say trade Myers and get a few more tiny fellas.

-The early spring we’ve had has been good for my lawn.  I like to weed it by hand. It was so warm yesterday I peeled off my sweater, threw on my dungaree shorts and got a little vitamin D.  One of the kids in the neighborhood yelled ‘Hey, it’s an Albino Manatee!’ as he was riding by on his bike.

-I’m trying to find a way to break the ice with a new neighbor that moved in recently.  She’s a 70-something, full-figured, chain-smoking broad with grayish-reddish-yellowish hair.  She was out gardening the other day so I tried the old weightlifting-in-the-driveway routine.  It was going well and I was getting a great pump but as I was finishing my bench press I dropped the iron bar on my forehead. I now have a welt that gives me an Elephant Man look.

-Look for the Bills to win at least 6 games this year.  I had higher hopes for the team but I spotted Buddy Nix and Chan Gailey drinking wine and playing slap and tickle in the back room of Adam’s Rib last weekend.  The budding romance will be quite a distraction for the team.

-I’m happy Booker Moore is going on the Buffalo Bills Wall of Fame.  My vote for the next Wall of Fame candidate is Vince Ferragamo.  He had a brief stay here in Buffalo and his stats were average but he was a dynamo in the sack.  I went to his hotel room to interview him in 1986 and was surprised to see that he was already  being interviewed by Phyllis George.  He invited me in, the Schlitz was flowing freely and the three of us enjoyed a Devil’s Triangle.  I made it the press box by kickoff but was missing my belt buckle and my left shoe was full of vomit.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Florence Henderson.  She was one of the all-time greats. My favorite TV moment was when she won the dance competition with the Fonz.

-I’m starting to get used to my bunions.

-Godspeed Mrs C.