By Frank Brutus

Kenmore-Town of Tonawanda Superintendent Mark Mondanaro announced Tuesday he is returning “all four” Scandinavian teenage slaves that he is allowed per his administrator’s contract, hoping to salvage teacher contract talks that he said are now headed for impasse even as the money-troubled district proposes cuts in teachers, administrators and some classes.

“I’m not grandstanding,” said Mondanaro, whose annual salary is $178,600, shortly after teachers packed the audience during a board meeting. “It’s time to move forward, together, and get things done in this District without me needing the services of my Scandinavian teenage slaves.”

The board has proposed a wide range of cuts to deal with an anticipated $5.1 million cut in state aid.

Teacher contract talks, meanwhile, are not going well.

“I believe an impasse is imminent,” Mondanaro said, as he received a foot massage from one of his non-English speaking secretaries while another rubbed hot oil on his temples.

In a prepared statement read to teachers in the audience, Darissa Stinson, board president, said teachers are highly valued and that “any one who doesn’t think that’s true should apply for a job in Ken Ton because we’re looking for warm bodies to do whatever it is teachers do if they decide to go on strike.”

Stinson said teachers and the district need to understand that residents of the district, like people elsewhere in the nation, “would love to have slaves, too. So it’s kind of a big deal when the Superintendent returns his four. And we’re asking the teachers in return to consider volunteering their time next year as a way to meet us in the middle.”

The Superintendent noted that the District would save in excess of $100 million if the teachers agreed to a “one-time” contract amendment that had them volunteer instead of get paid in 2010-2011.

“We could build one hell of a community sports, entertainment and gaming complex with savings like that,” said Mondanaro in between bites of caviar and sips of champagne.

By Larry Flesler

-I am really into the Winter Olympics.  The Figure Skating has really caught my eye.  The performers are fantastic but none can compare to a young Scott Hamilton.  He had a fabulous number back in 1980 while wearing pink short shorts and a pale blue, backless blouse that brought a tear to my eye.

-Always follow your dreams.  My Father pushed me into journalism but I always wanted to be a welder.

-I just sold my 1978 Nova to Van.  My Mother gave me her 1980 Ford Granada, talk about an upgrade.

-I love watching The View every morning while I do my kegel exercises.

-Is it me or does Mary Alice Demler look like she’s had some work done by Madam Tussaud?

-I’ve been eating too much shellfish lately and as a result my gout has returned with a vengeance.  My left foot has a tumor the size of a Buick.

-I’ve been watching quite a bit of the Olympic coverage on NBC and CBC out of Toronto and I have one question: Are there any good looking Canadian women?

-I’m taking a hiatus from my diet/workout program. I decided that I should get as obese as possible and then approach Jenny Craig to become their next spokesperson.

-The NFL draft is around the corner and it says here the Bills will draft a kicker in the first round.

-I’m praying for Boner.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Scott Baio.  He was great on My Three Sons.

-My collection of shoe horns was recently stolen from the trunk of my car.  Please contact me if you have them, there is a small reward.

-Godspeed Chip.

By Bob Loblaw

Thompson With Jamaican Wind Broker

State Sen. Antoine M. Thompson was in Jamaica last week instead of a Senate session in Albany.

Thompson left the country without explaining where he was going and instructed his staff not to talk about  his whereabouts.

I caught up with the Senator at the airport as his party returned.

Thompson’s chief of staff, Mark J. Boyd, admitted that he and Thompson were in Jamaica on a trade mission with Jamaican officials involving renewable energy. Boyd was sporting new dreadlocks, was in a very up beat mood and kept singing ‘Feeling Hot Hot Hot, Feeling Hot Hot Hot.’ “Antoine and I just sealed the most lucrative renewable energy deal for our area, we actually feel like we took advantage of the poor Jamaicans, said Boyd.”

Senator Thompson added; “We have all those Windmills on the waterfront and sometimes they don’t spin. We talked with Jamaican officials and they agreed to sell us wind for the next 5 years. I did not tell anyone where I was going because I didn’t want them to sell the wind to another State or Country.” Thompson said. ”Those suckers will be spinning more than my head was after drinking all the complimentary Rum from the Jamaican officials.”

He said the deal involved up to $6 million annually and included an option to purchase sunlight if we decided to add Solar power to the region.

When asked how the wind would be transported back to our area, Thompson quipped “I’m a deal maker, I don’t worry about the little details on how things actually work.”

I had a few follow up questions for him but he dashed off just as the drug sniffing dogs were entering the terminal.

By Larry Flesler

This year’s Super Bowl was a classic,  almost as good as last year’s last-second thriller.

I try not to work to hard on Super Bowl Sunday - I VCR the game and watch it later so that I can enjoy the game  in the company of friends.

I make sure to get all the necessary supplies the day before so I don’t have any running around to do on the day of the big game.  My shopping list includes: 3 cases of Schlitz, 2 cases of Dewar’s, 3 cases of Black Velvet, 6 bags of ice, 16 lemons, 9 bottles of Dry Vermouth, 4 bottles of Kamchatka (I pour it into an empty bottle of Absolute so Van thinks he’s getting top shelf vodka), 6 bags of Hot ‘n Spicy pork rinds, 3 bags of Funions, a tub of sour cream and 12 pounds of polish sausage.  I put the liquor, ice and glasses out and get the room ready for the day.

My guests this year were;  Van, Stu, Esther the tax lady, Marie Rice, Wadi Sawabini and special guest Ronan Tynan.  Everyone but Van arrived around 6pm and got themselves settled in.  Van arrived at 1:30 to help me get things organized.  He started hitting the ‘Absolute’ Vodka before his rubbers were off his wing tips.

The game started and we were all excited as the competition was as expected. The discussions were lively, the drinks were cold and Ronan was a charmer.

It was quite evident that Esther and Marie were both smitten with the footless Irishman.  This didn’t sit too well with Van or Wadi as they both thought they had a chance with either Esther or Marie or both of them at the same time.  I was busy making trips to the liquor to refresh the drinks but at one point Ronan was singing an X- rated Irish Tenor version of ‘God Bless America.’  The words were hard to understand but went something like “GOD BLESS ESTHER’S LOINS, LAND THAT I”LL SOON BE LOVING.’  As he went into the next verse Van shot up from his easy chair and launched himself at the bulbous-headed Tynan like a missile. Esther came to his rescue and jumped on Van, Marie and Wadi then jumped into the pile as well.  Stu was not concerned and kept watching the game.

I ran in and yelled for them to stop but to no avail, they were pawing and scratching each other.  Van was slapping anything in sight and the rest of them were kicking, punching and head butting each other.  This went on for about 5 minutes. They expended all their energy and lay there with half their clothes torn off. It was a ball of half-naked, sweat-soaked, listless combatants.

Van then apologized and gave Ronan Tynan a hug, Esther came over and hugged them and then Wadi and Marie did the same.  During this group hug, Esther was petting Ronan’s nether regions and things took an unusual turn.  Ronan tore off his remaining clothes and screamed “There’s A Storm Cloud Gathering In My Pants” and without warning, they all engaged in a game of slap and tickle.  I excused myself to splash on some Aqua Velva and Stu started filming.

By the time I returned, they were all smoking Virginia Slims, Van was removing Funions from Wadi’s do-jigger, Esther was dislodging Pork Rinds from Ronan and Stu had already started editing.

Oh, and the NFC team beat the AFC team.

By Ronn Chesmonde

Mayor Byron Brown today ordered the city’s parks and recreation workers to begin the tedious job of mothballing Delaware Park in time for the 2010 summer season.  The Mayor, speaking at the Rose Garden’s Shakespeare Hill, cited his administration’s continuing efforts to “save money, lower taxes, eliminate crime in addition to the preservation and protection of Buffalo’s cultural assets for future generations.”

Brown said that the current generation has had “plenty of time to enjoy the park, but now our grandchildren need to know that they will be able to enjoy the same park in forty or fifty years.”

The Mayor also referenced the financial savings that will result in the mothballing of the park.  “We are all acutely aware of what’s happening with regard to the serious fiscal problems facing New York State,” said the Mayor.  “I want to be proactive and shut down the crown jewel in our parks system well in advance of the Governor turning his eye toward city-maintained properties.”

New York Governor David Paterson has been roundly criticized for suggesting the closure of state parks in order to maintain the employment of thousands of New Yorkers on the State’s swollen payroll who would otherwise be forced to actually find something productive to do with their miserable lives.

But Mayor Brown stressed that his order to mothball Delaware Park is a “win/win” for Buffalonians of all ages.  “I think what I am really talking about here is saving the park from itself,”  said the Mayor, who cited “the epiphany” he had as he watched huge plywood boards being placed over the windows of the bankrupt and vulnerable Statler Hotel.  “Someday that hotel might be returned to its former glory,” said Brown.  “And I think the same can be said about Delaware Park.”

The Mayor predicted that Park-related crime will “disappear almost overnight” after the mothball process has been completed.  “You can’t mug a jogger in Delaware Park when the jogger is not able to access the park,” said Brown.  “Muggers will have to look elsewhere to commit their petty crimes.  Like Amherst.”

Assistant to the Mayor Peter Cutler said that the dramatic rise in recent years of people enjoying the park “has certainly detracted from Delaware Park’s natural beauty and peacefulness.”  Cutler maintained that the thick plywood and snow fence that will be used to entomb the park “will restore some of that serenity that’s been missing for the past few years.”

By Frank Brutus

Vote here for the Buffalo Ruse’s Mardi Gras float as Best Entry in Artvoice’s contest: Ruse Float Then watch Frank Brutus hit the streets on Fat Tuesday to ask Buffalonians some hard hitting questions that are exclusive to The Ruse .

By Bob Loblaw, On Assignment

Tiger Woods apologized yesterday in front of 2 dozen invited guests. His apology was, as expected more like a Presidential press conference.

His most sincere apology came when he looked directly into the camera and announced how sorry he was  for offending his fans by sleeping with the homely waitress from Perkins. “I lowered my standards and disappointed my fans by sleeping with an average looking woman that did not resemble a hooker, porn star or super model, and for that I am very sorry.” 

Tiger was whisked away by 3 men in white lab coats after he apparently suffered a relapse and is back on the wagon (or is it off the wagon?) when he spotted what he thought was a shapely woman moving about behind curtains in the room (it turned out to be a plant). Tiger looked down and exclaimed “It moved.”  One of the three men quickly held up a photo of Rosie O’Donnell while the other two grabbed him by the arms and briskly walked him out of the room and into the back of a white van.

One of the men was overheard saying something about being time for the ‘Heavy Treatment’ and that nonstop viewing of men’s figure skating was in order.

More on this story as details emerge.

By Frank Brutus

Disgraced former lawmaker and current heroic philanthropist Brian Davis purchased the decaying but prestigious Statler Hotel today, presenting Buffalo Mayor Byron Brown with a personal check made out to “Cash” for $100 million.

Proud new owner of the Statler.

The Mayor read a proclamation declaring every February 29th “Brian Davis Day” while the marching band from Emerson Vocational school played a rousing rendition of “Oh Happy Day” in front of the local landmark after David presented a post-dated check to the Mayor.

Davis, who was run out of office last year after pleading guilty to numerous felonies (later reduced to misdemeanors) involving forged financial instruments and misuse of public funds, says he has already lined up the “perfect” candidates to manage the rehabilitation of the historic building.

“Leonard Stokes has already accepted my offer to be a part of the team that restores the Statler to its former and deserved glory,” said Davis.  “I have already given him a 10-year advance salary and he will earn bonuses based on the size of the Sunday brunch crowd that makes reservations at the new restaurant that he plans to open inside the Statler this weekend.”

Stokes wasn’t able to attend the ceremony because, as Davis noted, he was busy loading dozens of U-Haul trucks with what was described as the “old” Statler catering equipment.  Davis noted that the proposed restaurant will be stocked with “lots of brand new stuff that we’re flying in from Thailand.”

Mayor Brown introduced to the assembled press corps each of the other “team members” who have agreed to be part of the rebirth of what will now be known as “The Brian Davis Statler Hotel.”

Delroy Jackson, a part-time bookie who lives on Fillmore Ave, will manage the coat-check service for hotel guests.

Steve Hopkins, a self-described “problem solver” who collects debts for Delroy Jackson, will oversee the valet parking operation.

Betty Jean Grant, currently a member of the Erie County Legislature, who is set to begin the tedious job of replacing all of the hotel’s water-damaged plaster with drywall on each and every one of the nineteen floors of the vaunted structure.  “I’m going to carry out the old plaster in garbage bags so we can save money by not renting a dumpster,” said a beaming Grant.

Grant estimates that the plaster removal will take “at least a month” to complete.

By Bob Loblaw, On Assignment in Washington

President Barack Obama held a  State of The Union Address Wednesday.  Here is my review:

Is Biden Sleeping Again?

Proposed new ‘Sex Tax’ on all politicians: Politicians will have to pay $10,000 for every sex act performed outside of marriage. Anticipated revenue: $17 million.  Nancy Pelosi is upping the ante by offering $20,000 for anyone willing to engage with her in heavy petting.

$40 million construction bill: $30 million is earmarked for the massive ongoing project for Nancy Pelosi’s reconstruction.

Rush Limbaugh Flatulence Tax: Retroactive to 1994, revenue projected to exceed $70 million.

Child Obesity Initiative: Michelle Obama will start a program aimed at the alarming rate of child obesity in the US.  The first event will be the ‘Rolling of the Fat Kids’ on the White House lawn in place of the annual Easter Egg Roll.

Proposed ‘Sin Tax’: Taxes will be increased on Alcohol, Tobacco, Fatty Foods and Pornography.  Congress was reassured that it would not pertain to them.

The President also revealed that Jon Edwards is the father of the eight children born to the ‘OctoMom.’

The speech was cut short as Joe Biden looked increasingly uncomfortable during the address and was said to have soiled himself.

Pelosi: "Help Me."

Firm chooses court appointed attorney, and will defend itself from itself.

By Hardy Astrom

In what many in the legal profession are calling, “The Holy Grail,” local personal injury firm Cellino and Barnes will be suing itself for and defending itself from negatively impacting the mental state of thousands of Western New Yorkers.  And because of a strange decision in the courts, they will be paid for both roles.

Bad Touch

The Cellino and Barnes website recently began offering, “legal counsel for PTSD resulting from a visual assault from both shiny domed, and thick-browed prostitutes”.  Accompanying the offer is a video that thousands of area TV viewers have been forced to watch during Buffalo Sabres broadcasts.  Unannounced, the two pop up at the bottom of the screen, with unnatural tans and what many describe as “smarmy dispositions.”  While unnerving and moderately hideous, few would seem to suffer long term damage.

Tim Morris, a spokesman for the firm, said the response was immediate.  “Thousands,” he said, speaking of the number of inquiries.  “The advertisements are obviously so offensive that they seem to have a profound effect on people, both mentally and emotionally.  Look at those guys.  It’s like the devil just rose out of Hell and into your living room.  The nervous system is simply not able to handle what the eyes are feeding it.”

Essentially, the firm is luring people to initiate litigation against itself.  Many wonder why.

“What those people don’t know,” says UB law professor Peter Pilliod, “is that Cellino and Barnes has reached an agreement with the State to provide defense lawyers to the court, at the taxpayers expense.  They will essentially be getting paid to defend themselves from this litigation.”  Asked if this is an exploitation of the system and taxpayer money, Pilliod said only, “You’re dealing with legal perverts.  They are fondling the genitals of the Constitution.”

Cellino and Barnes would still stand to lose money if any judgment was ruled against them.  ”Boy, you never know,” said Morris.  “The only thing you can do is set up an appointment and see if you are going to be really rich, really soon.”