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by Mandra Tan, Ruse Toilet Bureau

Attendees of the 2016 State of the County Address received a gift that may well keep on giving: a roll of reusable toilet paper. On Thursday afternoon, an emboldened County Executive Mark C. Poloncarz emphatically told guests that he intends to make Erie County the first county in the nation to completely ban all forms of disposable toilet paper.

The 48 year old county executive reported that he came up with ban after finding toilet paper stuck on his clothes "one too many times."

The 48-year-old county executive reported that he came up with ban after finding toilet paper stuck on his clothes “one too many times.”

“It ends up in our pipes, our stormwater runoff, our lakes and rivers, and sometimes, stuck between my shirt and pants,” Mr. Poloncarz stressed, adding that the toilet paper proposal is but one of his policy initiatives he hopes to accomplish this year.

Noting the incredulous looks on many guests’ faces, the second-term county executive reassured the crowd, “There are no sanitary concerns with reusable toilet paper. In fact, you are each holding a roll of environmentally-friendly, reusable, embroidered toilet cloth that I personally wiped across my own anus.”

Mr. Poloncarz acknowledged that a countywide ban will require legislature approval, but said he intended to use a series of executive orders to remove toilet paper from all county facilities, including Ralph Wilson Stadium.

To overwhelming applause, he closed the address by exclaiming, “In the fall of 2016, visitors at Bills games will take note of our great and progressive county when they go to clean their bare ass with a beautifully-stitched Buffalo Bills toilet cloth!”

The county executive noted this pattern helps him relax.

The county executive noted this pattern helps him relax.

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