By Gil Phuntanks, Ruse Terrorism / Dorkism Bureau 


Even for a group that recruits extremely alienated youths, Hamed was apparently deemed too bizzare.

A local teenager is very upset about the arrest of accused terrorist conspirator Arafat Nagi in his Lackwanna neighborhood this morning,  complaining that even though he had been “right here all along,” the alleged ISIS recruiter “completely ignored me – just like the rest of the kids at school.”

“I just don’t get it,” said Abdel Hamed, 15, who lived just three doors down from Nagi on Olcott Street. “I’m an angsty Yemeni adolescent living on the fringes of my social circle in an underserved corner of an American Rust Belt City. I mean, come on! It’s like . . . hello?” He paused to adjust an absurdly large cell phone clip on his belt, then clarifed, “I’m not saying I would have done it . . . might have just been nice to be asked, you know?”

Hamed, whose penchant for obscure 80’s Britpop and steampunk literature has earned him a completely solitary table in Lackawanna High’s cafeteria, reports that despite his disappointment with Nagi, he has not given up hope that the school’s assistant band instructor “will see the magic in me, and maybe – one day – even learn my name.”