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By Bic Spagucci, Ruse Hospitality Correspondent

The league has reportedly not yet settled on the specific motels where Brady will be required to stay, but plan to use a complex algorithm involving 911 calls and bodily fluid levels to determine the final locations.

The league has reportedly not yet settled on the specific motels where Brady will be required to stay, but plan to use a complex algorithm involving 911 calls and bodily fluid levels to determine the final locations.

Just hours after the NFL Players Association filed an appeal of Tom Brady’s 4-game suspension on behalf of the New England Patriots quarterback Thursday afternoon, early reports out of the league’s New York City headquarters indicate that Commissioner Roger Goodell has settled on an “alternative, and potentially harsher punishment” for the embattled star: being forced to spend 4 weekends of his 2014 – 15  season in the dusty confines of some the Buffalo region’s shittiest motel rooms.

A source close to the commissioner confirmed that after his nightly reading of the final chapter of George Orwell’s dystopian classic 1984, Mr. Goodell “started thinking about the concept of a ‘Room 101’ style of exacting justice — what would Tom Brady’s personalized version of hell look like? I guess he sort of just took it from there.”

Although Brady and his representatives have yet to comment on reports of this updated punishment, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown has already called a press conference to commend the NFL’s decision as “yet another example of the national spotlight shining its light upon all that our region has to offer.”

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