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By Mucky Cleatson, Ruse Social Media Correspondent and Grammar Fascist 

TB-WWF

A large percentage New England residents have destroyed their smartphones in solidarity with Brady, leading to notable nationwide decreases in the rates of racist Tweeting and Dunkin’ Donuts Mobile Perk Points redeeming.

The destroyed cell phone that served as the basis of NFL’s decision to uphold Tom Brady’s 4-game suspension on Tuesday afternoon contained, according to several teammates, “damning evidence” that went well beyond the infamous texts allegedly exchanged with potential football deflators and would suggest that the world’s best living quarterback may well be its worst Words with Friends competitor.

On the condition of anonyminity, several current Patriots players spoke to the Ruse this morning to defend Brady’s reputation as a decent and honest person in the wake the allegations raised by the “Deflategate” scandal and to wholly eviscerate his reputation as a man capable of competently stringing 5-letter words together on the Scrabble-like social gaming app.

“Tom is generally a pretty smart guy, on and off the field,” one of the players noted, “which is why it’s so baffling that in this one area he just can’t compete. ‘Baffling’ – that’s a word you’d never see him play.” Laughing, another teammate added “And the problem is that he is just so prideful in every endeavor- it kills him that he can’t seem get a grip on this one thing. He finally gave up in March – just couldn’t stand to let the world know that he just plays ‘at,’ and ‘to’ and shit all the time.”

The group explained that they believed publicly sharing this secret was “the only way” to clear their teammate and friend’s name, and that they thought Brady would understand this intention. They were less sure whether he would be as understanding about their propensity to giddily text each other screenshots of his particularly dismal Words with Friends attempts, such as the infamous game in which the three-time Superbowl MVP played the words “in” and “on” a record 14 times consecutively.

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