By Jay Turdski, Ruse Bills and “Please, Please Not Another Swirlie, Richie” Correspondent
Seeking to build on the offseason momentum gained with the signing of maligned locker room bully Richie Icognito, Buffalo Bills management recently expressed hope that even without a first round pick, the 2015 Bills draft class may finally move the team into the pantheon of the NFL’s elite domestic violence offenders and rapists.
“With our pickup of Richie, we knew we had our everyday dirty plays, eye gouging, and use of the term ‘half-n****r’ taken care of,” remarked Bills General Manager Doug Whaley, “but looking at the developments around the league over the past couple of seasons, we knew we were a little light in some areas, particularly wife-beating and raping.”
Hoping to fill in those gaps, the Bills have pegged their hopes on Ronald Darby, a second round pick who reportedly witnessed firsthand fellow rookie Jameis Winston’s sexual assault of a Florida State classmate, and fifth rounder Karlos Williams, whose former girlfriend shared impressive photographic evidence of his physical abuse of her pregnant body on Facebook.
“Look, did Darby do enough to go number one? No, he’s no Winston, but we’re thrilled to get someone so complicit in a high profile sexual assault in the second round,” noted a visibly proud Whaley, “and Karlos–I mean that was an all-star level beatdown he laid on his girlfriend, and we got him in the fifth round!”
Whaley stated that he fully expects the Bills to be the envy of the NFL with these acquisitions. Then, donning a wry smile, he exited the pressroom, remarking to no one in particular, “who knows? Maybe we have an Aaron Hernandez in our midst, and we don’t even know it yet.”