By Jerry Mulligan

Former Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly knows a thing or four about being a loser.

Jim Kelly: "Pull My Finger."

And he wasn’t shy about sharing his luckless advice during his commencement speech to the 2010 graduates of Niagara County Community College.

“All of you sitting in this audience today went straight from some High School to a little-known two year college,” Kelly noted in his opening remarks.   “That tells me right off the bat that you were in the bottom fifth of your class, lucky to graduate at all.  So that means that many of you are already accustomed to futility.  And by the looks of things to come, you all have a lot more of that to look forward to.”

In stark terms and with bold delivery, Jim Kelly told the graduates “the one thing that your families, friends and professors at NCCC never could: You are all losers.”

Kelly reminded the graduates that being a loser is not such a bad thing.  “You get to be the underdog every time,” said Kelly.

But the hapless quarterback implored the graduates to be the “best losers” they can be.  “Anyone can be a two or three-time loser at something,” said Kelly.  “But it takes real skill and ability to say that you’ve achieved at least four colossal failures in your life.”

Kelly challenged the graduates to see how many areas in their lives they could earn the distinction of being considered a loser.  “Blowing your marriage, getting fired from your job, poorly raising your kids, breaking tax laws, having terrible personal hygiene and incontinence,”  said Kelly.  “The possibilities are endless when it comes to being a multiple loser in life.  Oh, and did I mention running a business into the ground?”

An upbeat Kelly told the graduates that the economic outlook for America “has never looked worse.”  He forecast that the jobs “just won’t be there because all the old people with better experience than any of you have come out of retirement because their savings accounts have evaporated.”

And when it came time for the former quarterback to share some of his deepest personal experiences with the audience, Kelly didn’t hold back.

“Don’t hit your wife because when that kind of news makes the papers it will affect any endorsement deals that you might have.  Who could have guessed that one little back-handed slap to the face would cost me over a million dollars in income?”

By Jerry Mulligan, Ruse Sports Editor-At-Large

"I Guess So."

Former Georgia Tech coach Chan Gailey reluctantly agreed to take the head coach job offered by the Buffalo Bills after his wife Laurie told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to “buck up and bring home some bacon or I am leaving you tonight, Chan.”

The offer to Gailey was officially extended to the former offensive coordinator of the Miami Dolphins only after Leslie Brady, the head coach of Buffalo’s Burgard Vocational School Varsity Girl’s soccer team said she needed to “talk it over at length with my dad” after the Bills offered her the coaching reins in Buffalo.

According to Bills GM Buddy Nix, Gailey “rocketed” to the top of the Bills list of prospective coaches when “candidate after candidate” ranked ahead of Gailey rejected Nix’s offer to coach the hapless Buffalo football team.  “Some of them wouldn’t even call me back,” said Nix.  “They communicated electrically over the Interweb using Twister and MyFace to tell my assistants ‘no.’  It’s been a long few months but Buffalo’s long national league nightmare is finally over.”

Gailey’s track record of never beating his in-state rival University of Georgia was just one of the qualities that made him “150th on the list of perfect coaches” for the Bills said Nix.  “Chan is a proven ‘yes man’ who couldn’t demand a lot of Mr. Wilson’s money up front because he doesn’t have a track record of playoff success.  But he does know his way around a computer,” said the 70-year-old Nix, who admits that he has struggled since taking over as the GM when using “any technology that comes with a plug or a battery, other than my wife’s vibrator,” which she uses, he quickly added, “for her rheumatoid arthritis.”

Nix detailed Gailey’s “extensive collection” of American Football League action figures from the 1960s.  “This is a guy who can teach a quarterback the ‘Jack Kemp offensive method’ in a single weekend using the dolls that he collected from the long-forgotten days when pro football was a man’s game.  Chan lives and breathes the AFL strategies that most of today’s coaches never even know existed, which will give the Bills a leg-up in the department of rarely-used but possibly extremely successful offenses next year.”

Gailey has led a number of college and professional teams into the playoffs, only to see the hopes of both fans and management alike dashed in the first round.

“I guess I hope to bring some of those same mediocre accomplishments to Buffalo,” said a mumbling, down-trodden  Gailey from his home in Dorks Corners, Georgia.  Gailey’s wife was busy packing his bags while simultaneously arranging for her monthly “girls weekend” in Chatanooga.

A sedate and depressed-appearing Gailey would neither confirm nor deny reports that his wife had already hired Jim Ringo and Chuck Knox to serve as his assistant coordinators.

By Jerry Mulligan

I drove home from work yesterday still thinking about the Bills latest collapse and decided to stop in at my favorite watering hole (Cole’s) to see if my old friend Max Barr was there.

I walked in and, sure as me never getting any, there was Max sitting at the bar nursing what looked to be a tall glass of Johnny Walker Red with three shot glasses lined up for backup drinks.

I grabbed the bar stool next to him, slapped him on the back and said “Hi Max, whats new?’”

Max turned to me with bloodshot eyes and drool coming from his mouth and said “F@#k off, moron!”

“Hey why the terse response?”

“No reason, I just think your a moron” said Max.

“Well, I’m just here to talk about the Bills and next year’s draft,”  I said.

“Why don’t we talk about you and your pathetic writing ability, or about you thinking that anyone in this town would give a rat’s behind about your golf game or the Red Sox? Or we can talk about you sexting me every Friday night when you come home sauced and lonely,” said Max.

“Uh you must be mistaken, I ahh, um, would never do that.”

“Well lets look at the old cell phone,” replied Max.  “Here it is.  I’ll read it to you - y do I want u so much, I am not wearing pants. It was sent last Friday at 11:45 pm.  My guess is you just made it home from Friday’s after being shot down by all of the women in the place.  And please stop sending raunchy photos of yourself with the text messages, they sicken me.”

“Uh, I just remembered I have a deadline.  See you later Max.”

Team pushes for new open-air Convention Center instead

By Ronn Chesmonde

After an article referring to the Buffalo Bills’ pursuit of a new stadium was published Thursday in a Fort-Worth newspaper, team officials scrambled yesterday to clarify that the organization is “absolutely, 100% not interested in construction of a tax-payer funded, state-of-the-art football facility in Western New York.”

Bills: Convention Center is a "rathole."

“We already have that and it’s called Ralph Wilson Stadium,” said Stu Schaeffer, the Bills’ Director Of Toronto Relocation Operations.

“What we don’t have, though, is an 85,000-seat open-air Convention Center that could be built right on the shores of Buffalo’s developing waterfront,” said Schaeffer, who said that an increase in conventions would mean healthier future ticket sales for the Bills.

“Imagine the excitement of attending a Monster Truck rally at a roofless Convention Center on a warm July night with a gentle breeze blowing in from Lake Erie,” said Schaeffer, who noted that no city in the entire United States would be able to compete with that sort of facility.  “Not even Vegas.”

“I’ve spoken to everyone in New York State government from the president of the Fillmore Avenue Block Club to the Governor about the economic impact a beautiful waterfront Convention Center could have,” said Schaeffer.  “Sadly, I think there are fewer and fewer companies in the world who would bring their employees to an event held in the dump that Buffalo uses as its current Convention Center.  In terms of conference destinations and amenities, Bethlehem Steel looks more inviting.”

Schaeffer seemed surprised by a reporter’s question about the Bills’ interest in the potential for “occasional” use of an outdoor Convention Center located on the breezy shores of Lake Erie that would seat more fans than Ralph Wilson Stadium.

“Maybe we’d hold an open practice or two but I can’t imagine it would be easy to lug our team equipment all the way from Orchard Park.”

By Larry Flesler

-I’ve decided to get back into shape since adding about 70 pounds to my 4′ 6″ frame since retiring. I purchased a thigh master and a 2.5 lb. dumbbell, lookout ladies.

-My old pal Van and I are training for our first marathon. We get up at 7am and get moving at the Boulevard Mall with the other mall- walkers. I normally wear skin tight bike shorts while Van wears his trademark cut-off dungarees, work boots and white v-neck tee shirt. We do a few laps and then it’s off to Perkins for a Deli-Ham and Lotsa- Cheese Omelet.

-The Sabres signing of 6′ 8″ Tyler Myers is a good sign.  I wonder if his shaft is as big as Adam Creighton’s.

-I had my first french pedicure. I wasn’t sure if I’d like it but Van did a wonderful job, he has the hands of a slender lady and the demeanor of a trucker.

-I had an unusual experience while  purchasing a new pair of shoes last week at Sears.  The shoe salesman acted a little odd as he fitted me and actually threw up as he laced up the third pair I tried on. As I think back, my marble bag could have been hanging out of my track shorts.

-I had 3 ShamWow’s sewn into underwear. I can now drink 12 Dirty Martini’s without trekking to the Men’s room.

-I miss Lady Di.

-I lost my virginity at Disney World in 1989. I was with a fellow reporter who was known as a wanton trollop. We were enjoying the Country Bear Jamboree and things got a little randy.

-I like to lift weights in my driveway whenever my neighbor is out walking her dog. She can’t keep her eyes off my sweat glistened pipes.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Abe Vigoda, he was one of the good ones.

By Hardy Astrom

At the foot of the Albright Knox Art Gallery Byron Brown yesterday presented Terrell Owens with the key to the city. The last time such an honor was offered to a public figure was an ill-advised attempt to catch the .22 caliber killer. Although that ploy failed to capture a murderer, Brown hoped this offering would capture the heart of the Bills’ newest wide receiver.

T.O. gets key to City.

The Mayor used the appearance to tout some of the finer aspects of living in the Queen City.

“Welcome to the 996th greatest metro area in the country!” Brown exclaimed to the hundreds of people in attendance.

“It is with great pride that I welcome the NFL’s greatest receiver to our beautiful city, right here in front of this building behind me. And before I return to my spring think-tank in Raleigh, North Carolina,  I would like to present the key to Buffalo to Mr. Terrell Owens!”

Owens, smiling when he received the key, changed his tune when he read the note attached to the key’s ribbon.  “Is this a bill?” he was heard to ask.

Brown, covering the microphone, appeared first to explain and then plead with Owens. A source close to the Mayor’s staff reported that along with the key to the city, Brown gave Owens the delinquint property tax bill for every vacant house located within the City limits.

Owens appeared confused, amused, and then perturbed.  At one point he was heard to say, “Ain’t nothin’ but your regular. My man Golisano got out so now you gonna come after me?”

It was then that the Mayor began to offer tax breaks. “Mr. Owens, as a responsible citizen of the City of Buffalo, will pay his fair share of taxes, but will be eligible for tax breaks on waterfront property purchases of over $15 million. Mr. Owens can revitalize our sagging offense, and our devastated local economy.”

Owens, who has had a difficulty reigning in his emotions with many of the teams he has played for, seemed to weep before taking his turn at the microphone.  “I just want to say that…..I seen your city…..and your quarterback…and I…I just don’t know if I’m up for this.”

He laid the key on the podium and appeared ready to faint. Mayor Brown attempted to assist the wide receiver but was restrained by several members of Owens’ entourage. A small melee ensued and the Mayor ended up on the south side of a size-11 dress shoe worn by a man who would only himself by the name ‘Pepper.’

While Owens was escorted to a waiting limousine, a dusty Byron Brown led the remaining dozen onlookers through karaoke versions of ‘The Bills Make Me Want to Shout’ and ‘We’re Talkin’ Proud.’

By Larry Flesler

-I had it all wrong. I pushed my son into sports, paid for expensive conditioning camps, nutrition supplements, private training and sent his game tapes to college coaches, hoping all the while he would make it big someday.  I should have just ate his dog.

-I must confess that whenever I walk my dog, I carry a plastic bag pre-loaded with a rock. When my dog does his business, I pull the bag out of my pocket and pretend to grab the steaming mess. I then walk the rest of the way with the bag weighed down with the rock while my neighbor’s lawn looks like a carnival for maggots.

-I have The Gout for the third time this month, my Doctor said it may be related to my diet of scallops, bacon wrapped sticks of butter and Genny Cream Ale.

-I hate Clowns.

-I’m getting the hang of my new cell phone. I just got a lesson in ’sexting’ from my old friend Marie Rice.

-The passing of Bea Arthur hit me especially hard. We went to Junior College at the same time and met while playing football. I was a sparsely used punter and running back, Bea was a terrific lineman with a mean streak. She would use the forearm shiver, clothesline and leg whip at will. She always came up with the ball after a fumble. She would grab or bite anything under a pile scrambling for a loose ball, I have an imprint of her dental work on my coin purse to prove it.

-Godspeed Beatrice.

Buffalo Also Gets “Satisfaction Of Not Dealing Anymore With Peters’

By Jerry Mulligan

The Buffalo Bills announced moments ago that they have traded left tackle Jason Peters to the Philadelphia Eagles.

The Bills were forced to throw in a 1st round 2010 draft pick at the last minute when General Manager Marv Levy hit what he described as “the mother of all roadblocks in trying to move Peters out of Buffalo.”

In return, the Bills receive nothing from Philadelphia except “the sweet satisfaction of knowing we don’t have to deal with the hassle of trying to ink Peters to a complicated and legalistic contract to play in Buffalo,” said Levy.  “To seal the deal, the Eagles did send me a beautiful colostomy bag with my initials engraved in gold lettering on the side.”

“We think we came out way ahead today,” added Levy, the former coach of the Bills and the league’s only octogenarian who can claim the title of NFL General Manager.

“Philly doesn’t know what they just got themselves into,” lamented Levy.  “When I was younger, players would sign with a team by shaking hands with the manager,” he said tearfully.  “The game of football was played for pride and honor, not for money, for bling or to impress the ladies who saunter around the sidelines like retarded gypsy moths hovering around an open flame.”

A doddering Levy mumbled as he began to doze off, “Today’s NFL contracts have so many confusing words and clauses that I just doesn’t understand them anymore.”

By Jerry Mulligan

The rumor started to spread last night at the Sabres - Leafs game that Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson had died.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

The Buffalo Ruse has confirmed that the man known affectionately to thousands of Buffalo football fans as “the Ralph” is not dead.  Yet.

Wilson was severely injured, however, when he took to the field at the Orchard Park complex named in his honor and attempted to “show the young boys how we used to do it in the old days.”

A leather-helmeted Wilson, carrying a cane and wearing yellowed shoulder pads, taunted Bills linebacker Paul Posluszny by referring to him repeatedly as a “primadonna cracker who couldn’t tackle my jockstrap.”

Posluszny ignored the insults for 20 minutes but eventually succumbed to Wilson’s ribbing.  Telling fellow Bills that he had heard enough, the 240-pound linebacker violently dropped the 90-year-old  at the 35-yard line.  Wilson’s head was driven viciously into the turf and the Bill’s owner had to be attended to by medical personnel before he was taken to Buffalo General Hospital by ambulance.

Wilson, who once tackled Adolf Hitler in the 1936 Axis vs. Allies International Bowl, has referred to the underachieving Bills as “a bunch of drug-abusing, gun-carrying gold-diggers who couldn’t beat the prep squad from St. Mary’s.”

Doctors expect that Wilson will make a full recovery before he finally passes away from natural causes early next month.