By Wad Rotson

A weary Tom Golisano, the billionaire founder of Paychex and the owner of the Buffalo Sabres, announced yesterday that he is being forced to move to the state of Florida because he can no longer afford his Time Warner cable bill in the humble one bedroom efficiency apartment he rents on Buffalo’s lower West Side.

Tom Golisano: "Can you spare a dime?"

Golisano, who appeared at a press conference dressed in shabby clothes that he claimed to have purchased earlier in the day at the Goodwill on Main Street “with the last $7.00 I’ll spend in this town” blamed New York State’s dysfunctional political system for his forced relocation.

“I don’t absolutely have to have cable television,” stressed Golisano, who pointed to a battered AM/FM portable radio in the shopping cart he had wheeled into the press conference.  “I can get plenty of good entertainment from that boom box.  But in Florida I’ll at least be able to afford cable and an occasional cup of coffee .  That’s what is so sad about the uncaring politicians in New York who force a billionaire like me to go without the basic comforts that every American wants and deserves.”

Golisano said he couldn’t imagine how difficult it is for other New Yorkers who earn lesser incomes of only one, two or three million dollars per year.   “How can a person afford food on a budget like that when I’m barely scraping by with my billions?” he wondered.

Golisano said he plans to write a letter to New York Governor David Paterson “as soon as I can afford some note paper and a stamp.”

Golisano asserted that if the “tax and spend liberals who have politically imprisoned the citizens of  New York had been run out of office four years ago the Sabres could have retained Chris Drury, Danny Briere and Brian Campbell.  And my name would be on the Stanley Cup instead of on a shut-off notice from Niagara Mohawk.”

Golisano concluded the press conference by noting that he would have moved to Florida last year but he was “too busy backing unsuccessful political candidates and being trapped in the cycle of poverty to consider relocating at that time.”

Quinn announces other changes

By Lucky Geason
RUSE SPORTS REPORTER

This past week was spent learning about Darcy Regier and Lindy Ruff.

Larry Quinn and his fellow owners of the Buffalo Sabres already know some things about them but found out they don’t know everything. Regier and Ruff have been with the team since 1997. Quinn wanted to know what makes them tick, what keeps them motivated, what gets their juices flowing and do they still have the fire within to once again bring the Sabres to the brink of the playoffs.

-I am a Greatness

“We found out quite a bit about both of them, things we never discovered even after knowing them for 12 years,” said Quinn. “For instance, we never knew that Lindy cuts his own hair, enjoys competitive kite flying and makes his own shoes. Darcy enjoys painting still life images of his feet and has the world’s largest collection of sock garter belts.  I have a new found respect for these two individuals,” he said.

Quinn said that he has confidence in the duo and even offers his help every day whether it’s asked for or not. “Darcy had a problem with the lock on his office door, it was always locked when he was in there.  I had the door knob removed so I can visit him at will.”

When asked about lagging ticket sales Quinn announced that the team will be following the Bills lead and will play at least 2 games in Toronto next year. “We know that there are some fans of professional hockey in the greater Toronto area and we would like to expand our reach by playing at least 2 games there next year.”

He also announced the team will be re-naming the HSBC Arena to ‘Larry Quinn Rink.’

Quinn announced more changes including:
• Ronan Tynan will be joined by Susan Boyle for a series of national anthem duets dubbed ‘Ronan and the Barbarian’.
• The ‘Kiss-Cam’ will be replaced by the ‘Heavy-Petting-and-Groping-Cam.’
• Beer will be sold by the gallon.
• Conehead the beer vendor will be replaced by Skinhead the White Supremacist.
• Every Friday will be Larry Quinn night: fans will receive an autographed picture of Quinn along with a lock of his hair.
• Tuesday’s will be Rene Robert Piñata night.

Quinn also said he would be making all hockey personnel decisions and will continue to fit all players for protective cups.

By Jerry Mulligan

The Buffalo Sabres anounced that the team’s 2008-2009 Greatest Hits DVD will be available beginning May 1st at the HSBC Arena Sabres store as well as at all Golisano Luxury Yacht outlets in the greater Western New York area.

Ruff before tearing off Hecht's arm

The disc captures all of the exciting action that fans witnessed during the team’s 81-game quest toward their lackluster 10th-place finish in the Eastern Conference.

Proceeds from sales of the commemorative DVDs will go to the offshore bank account of team General Manager Larry Quinn.

Here is a sneak preview of some of the 2008-2009 moments captured on the disc that no Buffalo Sabres fan will want to miss:

*Newcomer Craig Rivet is voted team captain in September when he is the only player who attends the annual “Vote For The Sabres Captain” party at Darcy Regier’s home in Ebenezer.

*Larry Quinn announces a change in the long-standing team policy regarding the wives and families of Sabre players: they are still welcome to attend games but they must pay the “Gold” ticket price no matter who the opponent is.

*Down 4-2 going into the 3rd period in an early season road contest against Conference rival Montreal, Lindy Ruff inspires the team to a come-from-behind victory by tearing off Jochen Hecht’s arm in front of 18,000 horrified Canadiens fans.

*Player desperation is evident early on in the season when Adam Mair picks a fight with the wrong guy at McMonkeez nightclub in Buffalo.  Thrilling excerpts from security camera footage show what happens when a shirtless Mair ends up on the wrong end of his opponent’s “Jersey turnpike.”

*In December, a benched Max Afinigenov attempts to impress Lindy Ruff by competing in the annual Bud Bakwell Skate & Shoot Spectacular where he beats out 14 local teenagers and is crowned “Fastest Skater in Riverside.”

*Derek Roy, motivated by Coach Lindy Ruff’s regular reminder to “hit ‘em with your purse, you overpaid pansy,” bench presses 50 lbs. (his personal best) during a live interview with Rob Ray on January 31st.

*When Sabres goalie Ryan Miller is viciously attacked by NY Ranger Scott Gomez behind the Buffalo net, the  Sabres clear the bench to assist Thomas Vanek, who is desperately trying to find his lost contact lens at the other end of the rink.

*Also in February, Tim Connelly scores twice against Carolina in his return to the ice after recovering from head and leg injuries suffered when Dave Andreychuk’s wife threw him down his apartment stairs in December.

*The NHL declares the Sabres forwards the winners of the “National Rifle Association’s Perimeter Shooters of the Month” in March after three of the four Buffalo lines stay as far away from the opposing goalie’s crease as possible.

*Andrew Peters, appearing as a paid endorser for a local clothing company called Born In Buffalo, viciously attacks a fan with his own shoe during a promotional event at HSBC Arena.

*Sabres color commentator Harry Neale, who died from natural causes during a live broadcast of the team’s 4th game of the season, doesn’t miss a beat as his lifeless corpse, propped up beside Rick Jeannerette, continues the tradition of colorless mediocrity in the broadcast booth for the ensuing 77 games televised by MSG.

*Following the team’s final regular season game against Boston, Darcy Regier announces that next year’s ticket prices will include a non-refundable “Dominic Moore” surcharge.  “Someone has to pay his salary and I’ve decided it’s not going to be me, Larry or Mr. Golisano.”

Players prepare for playoff season.

By Jerry Mulligan

A win at Washington and a loss at home to the Devils still has the Buffalo Sabres perched to leap forward into the playoffs.

Or to cower from them as if the playoffs themselves were an opponent crashing Ryan Miller’s crease.

Either way, the destiny of the Buffalo Sabres is firmly in their own hands.

The NHL playoffs are a special time for players who dream of the Stanley Cup’s eternal reward during a grueling 82-game season.

Coach Lindy Ruff says that the intensity will only increase as the team’s push to the playoffs continues.  “The playoffs are the second season for us.  But the third season can be a lot longer if you can skip the second season.”

The third season, Ruff said, is the summer.   “We play hard for 10 months.  But that doesn’t mean anything if you can’t look into your immediate future and feel the sunburn on your neck.”  In his hands Ruff held a golf bag, and a tattered book.  “It’s the Bob Uecker story.  I’ve read it several times.”

Ruff’s players have their eye on the prize as well, and many Sabres shared how the playoffs bring on the childhood memories of what spring is like for hockey players.

“I spent a lot of time outside as a kid,” said team Captain Craig Rivet.  “I’ve been sending the message to these guys for weeks: walleye season starts April 12th.”  Rivet, clutching his hockey stick in one hand and a tackle box in the other, told his teammates after Saturday’s game, “We’re almost there.”

“I know a lot of the guys are pretty excited about what the next few weeks will bring,” said forward Drew Stafford.  “My destiny is a bass guitar.”  Stafford’s band, ‘Red Seal Peach,’ has achieved a cult following among golf fans and 11-year-old girls.

Every Sabre seems to be wearing a new attitude this April.  Derek Roy was seen leaving HSBC Arena with a fistful of complaint forms that he intends to send to NHL officials.  And Andrew Peters was trying hard to correctly spell his name on the application he has for summer employment with a local roofing company.

Larry Quinn visited the locker room before players left the facility.  “This is what it’s all about, boys,” said the lanky puppet who has helped to drive the franchise to the brink the last two years.  In one hand Quinn held a copy of Forbes Magazine and in the other, a Sabres’ highlight movie titled, “Sabres Hockey 1980-1990:  Mediocrity on Ice.”

By Larry Flesler

-I was fortunate to meet Ronan Tynan after the last Sabres game. I was entering the back room at the Colonie Lounge when I ran into him as his lap dancer was beating him on top of his pumpkin head with one of his prosthetic legs. I asked if he was Ok and he said “I’m just fine laddy, now go get me a scotch.”

-I love my cell phone and this new fad called ‘Sexting.’ Van has sent me some nice shots of himself in front of the fish tanks at The Grapevine.

-Is it just me or do my turds get smaller as I get older?

-Jay Cutler’s recent trade from the Broncos reminds me when Joe Dufek demanded to be traded from the Bills. The only problem was he had already been cut and was selling insurance at the time.

-I love going to the Buffalo Casino. I smoke 6 packs of Indian Cigarettes, get snozzled on free generic Dewars and hit on all the grey-haired beauties. I usually score with a few of ‘em.

-Michele Obama has great reflexes. I sat next to her at a charity dinner 4 years ago and tried to get friendly with her. I had my hand on her silky chocolate leg when she grabbed a salad fork, dipped it in Tabasco sauce and plunged it into my forehead - all within a split second. It was worth it.

-I was saddened to hear about the death of Ed Asner.  He was one of the good ones.

-I once played stickball with Gordon Lightfoot.  He wasn’t very good but always gave me a foot massage when we were done.

-Godspeed Ed Asner.