By Ronn Chesmonde

Buffalo Bills owner Ralph C. Wilson Jr. thinks new head coach Chan Gailey looks “hotter than a four-alarm fire” when he’s wearing the red, size 16 dress given to him by the Bills 91-year-old owner.

Gailey: Lady In Red.

“The last few years we haven’t had a coach who looked classy dressed as a lady,” Wilson said Thursday from his home in Michigan.

“Chan Gailey is the new black,” Wilson said, growling like a cat in heat. “He’s the Lady Gaga of the NFL.”

Wilson acknowledged that the Bills’ streak of seven straight seasons without a cross-dressing coach has weighed on him as much as everyone else. It’s the longest stretch of fashion futility of its kind in team history.

“It’s been painful,” Wilson said. “I remember the silky satin underwear that Chuck Knox used to show off to the team on game day and the special underwire bra that Marv Levy kept in a cedar lined box especially for the playoffs.  I can’t tell you how badly I’ve missed a coach who could sip brandy while wearing stiletto heels in my Florida room during the off season. ”

Asked about the Bills’ pursuit of big-name coaches Mike Shanahan and Bill Cowher, Wilson said, “Shanahan’s sagging behind and Cowher’s abnormally-shaped hips were both unflattering when they put on the dress.”

“We were not looking for big names, we were looking for somebody who looks fantastic in shimmering taffeta,” Wilson said. “We hired Buddy and I gave him the dress and Chan Gailey looked the best in it. Now we’re trying to go forward.”

Beyond that, Wilson would not be lured into a discussion about the Bills’ process for finding Gailey a matching purse for the dress.

“There’s been speculation all over the place about what goes with the dress,” Wilson said. “There’s 500 matching accessories the media can speculate on but I’m not going there.  We gave Chan the dress. He put it on.  I became aroused.  He’s the new coach.  End of story.”

By Jerry Mulligan, Ruse Sports Editor-At-Large

"I Guess So."

Former Georgia Tech coach Chan Gailey reluctantly agreed to take the head coach job offered by the Buffalo Bills after his wife Laurie told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to “buck up and bring home some bacon or I am leaving you tonight, Chan.”

The offer to Gailey was officially extended to the former offensive coordinator of the Miami Dolphins only after Leslie Brady, the head coach of Buffalo’s Burgard Vocational School Varsity Girl’s soccer team said she needed to “talk it over at length with my dad” after the Bills offered her the coaching reins in Buffalo.

According to Bills GM Buddy Nix, Gailey “rocketed” to the top of the Bills list of prospective coaches when “candidate after candidate” ranked ahead of Gailey rejected Nix’s offer to coach the hapless Buffalo football team.  “Some of them wouldn’t even call me back,” said Nix.  “They communicated electrically over the Interweb using Twister and MyFace to tell my assistants ‘no.’  It’s been a long few months but Buffalo’s long national league nightmare is finally over.”

Gailey’s track record of never beating his in-state rival University of Georgia was just one of the qualities that made him “150th on the list of perfect coaches” for the Bills said Nix.  “Chan is a proven ‘yes man’ who couldn’t demand a lot of Mr. Wilson’s money up front because he doesn’t have a track record of playoff success.  But he does know his way around a computer,” said the 70-year-old Nix, who admits that he has struggled since taking over as the GM when using “any technology that comes with a plug or a battery, other than my wife’s vibrator,” which she uses, he quickly added, “for her rheumatoid arthritis.”

Nix detailed Gailey’s “extensive collection” of American Football League action figures from the 1960s.  “This is a guy who can teach a quarterback the ‘Jack Kemp offensive method’ in a single weekend using the dolls that he collected from the long-forgotten days when pro football was a man’s game.  Chan lives and breathes the AFL strategies that most of today’s coaches never even know existed, which will give the Bills a leg-up in the department of rarely-used but possibly extremely successful offenses next year.”

Gailey has led a number of college and professional teams into the playoffs, only to see the hopes of both fans and management alike dashed in the first round.

“I guess I hope to bring some of those same mediocre accomplishments to Buffalo,” said a mumbling, down-trodden  Gailey from his home in Dorks Corners, Georgia.  Gailey’s wife was busy packing his bags while simultaneously arranging for her monthly “girls weekend” in Chatanooga.

A sedate and depressed-appearing Gailey would neither confirm nor deny reports that his wife had already hired Jim Ringo and Chuck Knox to serve as his assistant coordinators.