Porcine appearance is tell-tale symptom

By Wad Rotson

Erie County Health Department officials grimly announced yesterday that Buffalo had its first confirmed cases of the swine flu.

Swine flu victim.

“Just look around and you’ll see the victims everywhere,” said Health Department Commissioner Anthony Billittier.  “They’re pouring out of area Tim Horton’s, Louie’s Hot Dogs and the Anchor Bar at epidemic rates. The symptoms are consistent: excessively large behinds, multiple chins and fat deposits that basically protrude from nearly every orifice of the victim’s body.”

Billittier explained that the virus is called the swine flu because victims spend years satisfying the urge to gorge themselves on high-calorie meals to the point where they physically resemble pigs.

“Swine flu is highly contagious and spreads through the sharing of milkshakes, nacho cheese and 1/2-pound burgers from Gabriel’s Gate,” warned the Commissioner.

Billittier said that WNY has actually suffered from the swine flu for over 57 years but that his department kept a “lid on the problem,” fearing negative publicity for the Queen City.

“I’m actually thrilled that the current outbreak came from Mexico,” said Billittier, who explained that Buffalo’s version of the swine flu is a little different from Mexico’s in that years of joblessness and apathy preceded the onset of the flu in Mexican victims.

Another victim.

“In Buffalo, the victims were able to hold down minimum wage jobs for years while they quadrupled in size after the initial infection set in.”

Billittier announced that the only cure for swine flu is to “take a look in the mirror and decide if you can stand your disgusting appearance for even one more second.”