Strip club owner “really disappointed” in the FBI.

By Hardy Astrom

Snowden's "family" jewels.

Richard Snowden, the millionaire owner of Rick’s Tally Ho Gentlemen’s Club expressed concern over what he calls an “irresponsible, and reckless” investigation of his bartender and stripper employees.  He says his reputation as a “guy who puts troubled young women on stage without their clothes,” has been irreversibly tarnished.

“I worked long and hard and throbbingly at being the best I can be for these girls.  And this is how the FBI repays me for providing what is essentially a public service.”  Snowden says that beyond monetary and business ramifications, his feelings are “really hurt” by the FBI’s investigation.

After a year-long investigation, the FBI charges that his strippers bought and sold heroin and engaged in prostitution in small, private “fox dens” in the rear of the club.  Snowden, who prides himself on taking young, attractive girls off the streets and putting them into the workforce, says he’s most concerned for his employees.

“These people aren’t just my employees, they’re like really pretty step-daughters to me,” Snowden said.  “I don’t believe my girls did those things anymore than I believe cigarettes are addictive.  It’s ridiculous.”

Asked about video survaillance that FBI agents obtained during their investigation, Snowden says, “And I saw a cat that supposedly danced on piano keys on that interweb.  It’s a con-job they’re pulling here.”  He also said that on many nights since the raid, he’s been crying alone at his Nottingham Terrace mansion.  “The girls come by, of course,” he said.  “They’re like really attractive counselors, or massage therapists.”

Snowden is working with lawyers to see if any legal action can be taken against the State Liquor Authority after they stripped him of his liquor license.  “They didn’t even ask me to explain the ”High School Sports Saturdays,” a day when students can show their high school IDs for free pop and pizza.  “There’s an underage section that is draped off so the kids can enjoy their pizza without being distracted by things they don’t understand,” Snowden said.  The FBI released video footage of the drapes, showing them to be transparent shower curtains.  “We’ll, they’re much easier to clean than cloth,” Snowden explained.

The loss of his liquor license has changed the daily operations at Rick’s Tally Ho.  “Now we have to let in kids as young as 18 and the girls are forced to take off their pasties.  It’s ruined High School Sports Saturdays and now we’re busier than ever.  I’ve had to personally interview and audition dozens of new girls.  It’s been difficult on my staff and my employees.”

As the investigation continues, Snowden said his sadness over the allegations may force him to sell his strip clubs and his mansion and focus on antiques.  “You wouldn’t believe the freaks that are into naked old ladies,” he said.

Davis, pooing his pants in innocence.

Common Council member tries to sell dead bodies to clear his name.

By Hardy Astrom

Tuesday night, Brian Davis thought that his computer had frozen, shut it off and went to bed.  When he was unable to get into his eBay account Wednesday morning, he was ready to call the computer auction giant and file a complaint.  When FBI agents crashed through his front door and pinned his chest to the shag carpet that covers his bedroom, he soiled himself, then silently wept, according to FBI reports.  It’s not been a good week for Davis, as financial mismanagement accusations gain steam and his political future is looking more and more bleak.

According to federal officials, Davis’ computer was seized after items he had up for auction on eBay were reported as fraudulent.  Ebay received enough complaints to contact local law enforcement, who quickly turned the case over to the FBI.  Davis, whose eBay username is ‘BiggMember’, was selling local ‘artifacts’ to the highest bidder.  FBI Internet Fraud Agent Rocco Distillo spoke to reporters and explained his department’s interest in Davis.

“We were called in to investigate sales that were reported as fraudulent and after collecting evidence felt we had enough to bring Mr. Davis in for questioning.”

Distillo said that several items for auction raised a red flag for investigators:  ”There was the “Commemorative Piece of Memorial Auditorium,” Distillo said, “which was simply a rock in a box, a ’Whammy Weenie’, which promised a ‘fan favorite for fending off football foes,” but was simply a dried hot dog painted green, and ‘O.J’s Ugly Ass Shoes.’  Those were just a pair of Bruno Maglis knockoffs.  Well worn.”   Distillo said the most trasparent item was listed as “Michael Jackson’s Glove,” in which the winning bidder was delivered a blue and red mitten.  “This guy is just lazy,” Distillo said.

The most disturbing auction was for “Spare Parts, many.”  Pictures were included and directions were provided to what ’BiggMember’ called his ’showroom.’  Potential buyers were told they could ‘look around and take what you need.’  Investigators were shocked with what they found.  “Mr. Davis provided directions to the Buffalo Science Museum.” Distillo said.  “The spare parts were human, to be taken from the Body Worlds exhibit.”

Davis’ mother posted $40,000 bail.  Leaving the holding center with her son, she issued this statement.  “My son would never do the things he is accused of.  He is not a thief.  This is the man that tried to help start an upscale restaurant for poor people.  He donates most of his paycheck to his kids and other folks who need it.  I see it on his check every week.  He garnishees lots of money to folks.  My son is a good boy.”

Davis’ lawyer issued a statement on Facebook last week saying that Davis was nearly out of personal debt.  Ronald Churchill esq. posted his status as, “Glad that Bri Guy thought to charge $5 handling fee for each petition he collected for Byron.  Can now get Sabres season tix!!!”  Davis did not return phone calls.