By Ronn Chesmonde
In an emotional plea to the Hamburg town board, Eric Chmiel demanded recognition for his “God-given right as an American to swim this summer in the [expletive deleted]-strewn waters of Lake Erie near Woodlawn Beach.”

Chmiel addresses Town Board

Applause erupted as Chmiel spoke from the public podium and a number of town board members could be seen nervously discussing the Woodlawn resident’s request.

“We’ve never had a resident invoke his rights as an American so eloquently in a matter as contentious as this,” said Hamburg Town Supervisor Jennifer Thompson.

Chmiel, who was born and raised in Woodlawn, said that swimming in human feces and raw sewage is “second nature” to him and all the other residents who have grown up in the shadow of the Sewage Treatment plant adjacent to the beach.

“It wouldn’t be Woodlawn Beach if it didn’t smell like crap,” he insisted, adding that if he wanted to swim in “[expletive deleted]-free water, I’d drive to Canada.”

Woodlawn Beach is closed 95% of the time during the summer months due to what the Health Department claims are “unsafe levels of inorganic waste” that permeate the water.

“I’ve got the best dried corn collection in the Southtowns thanks to what washes up on that shore after a good storm,” claimed Chmiel, who noted that he has been depressed ever since the pedestrian bridge to the Ford plant was demolished two months ago.

“Please.  I’m begging you,” he said.  “Leave us in peace to enjoy our feces-infested Woodlawn Beach.”