By Frank Brutus

Mayor Brown scrambled today to contain a small but growing firestorm of controversy over his failure to perform a national search for candidates who might lead the Buffalo Police Department.

The Mayor released a copy of a memo that he says he wrote to himself last November regarding the hiring process for the next Police Commissioner.  The Mayor maintained that the memo contains “the things that I am looking for in the person who will be the next leader of our brave men and women in the Buffalo Police Department.”

According to the memo, here are Mayor Brown’s requirements for the job:

*Candidate cannot have been corrupted by higher education. College makes people think they’re smarter than they really are.  Look at Mickey Kearns.
*Candidate should probably be white. The last guy didn’t work out so well.  Try a different color this time.  Are Italians white?  Have one of my assistants check on that.
*Candidate should be at my beck and call. Will someone from outside of Buffalo fit this requirement?  Probably not.  Try to promote from within.
*No one is going to listen to a female Police Commissioner whine and gripe about how we need “new colored police cars.”  Therefore, hire a guy.
*Anonymity is a virtue here.  No prior headlines about politics, loyalties, corruption or graft.  The dumber the better (see first requirement).
*Candidate shouldn’t know anything about the time my son stole my car.  If anyone asks about that in the interview they are finished in this town!
*No Irish. I don’t need Mickey Kearns sticking his fat little fingers into my Police Department.
*Candidate should have trouble counting past 40 (see first requirement).  Because the new Commissioner isn’t going to approve any overtime while he’s working for me.
*Candidate shouldn’t be intelligent enough to even think about a run for Mayor in four years (see first requirement).

By Bob Loblaw

Mayor Byron Brown declared his innocence today in the Leonard Stokes’ handicapped-parking-ticket caper of 2009.

He was at the ground-breaking ceremony for a new restaurant started by James Pitts called ‘One Sunspot’ when a reporter asked him if Mr. Stokes was brought to his office in lieu of the police station.  Mayor Brown responded “Who’s Lou?”

With the Democratic Primary just days away, the Mayor then started to list his accomplishments since being elected in 2005:

-Initiated ‘Clean Sweep’ program that cleaned up high-crime areas.  “We sent out an impact team to cut down tall weeds and overgrown shrubs to help law enforcement find weapons and perpetrators,” said the Mayor.  When told that everything grew back even higher, he said he was not aware this could happen.

-Started Handicapped Parking Tag Buyback Program.  “We purchased over 600 tags from the general public, no questions asked,” said Brown.  When asked what they did with the tags, the Mayor said he thought they were on his kitchen table.

-Started new ‘Meet the Mayor’ program for Buffalo residents. Any Buffalo resident that is arrested will be given a free ride in the back of a police cruiser directly to his office for a meet and greet.  “This allows me to stay in touch with Buffalo’s young men with promise.”

-Added 126 Police Officers during his term as Mayor. One hundred of them are assigned to his personal security staff and the other 26 follow his son around.

-Started new Electronic-Get-Out-The-Vote Program for local politicians.  “It works like this: hand-selected employees at City Hall send e-mails to every Buffalonian asking them to vote for me. It’s a real time saver,” said the Mayor.  When told that it was not legal for this to happen at his direction, the Mayor said he would “fact check” the legality issues with himself and get back to us later.

-Directly responsible for record profits at Giant Key Locksmith Company of Meadville.  “We hand out Keys to the City faster than they can make them,” said Brown proudly.

“In summary, I feel that I have given the fine people of Buffalo a reason to vote for me again, right Steve?” asked the Mayor as Steve Casey nodded in approval.  “I must now meet my good friend Brian Davis for lunch at Crystal Barton’s house.  She has free soda.”

Economic Czar Sought Cheap Labor To Offset Expanding Healthcare, Retirement Costs

By Ronn Chesmonde

In a shocking investigative report that you’ll read only in The Buffalo Ruse, City of Buffalo economic development officials used federal grant money intended for the prevention of poverty to purchase 120 enslaved teenage “relief workers” from Kazakhstan.

Kazakh slaves arrive in Depew.

“On paper this seemed like a good idea,” said Brian Reilly, Buffalo’s czar of Economic Development.  “Obviously, it turns out not to have been so great once the plan was put into action.”

Looking to improve efficiency in all levels of city government, Reilly bought the enslaved Kazakhs by placing what turned out to be the winning bid for their services on the website www.cheaplabor.org.

In a pilot program that Reilly designed, the majority of the displaced teenagers were to be deployed as affordable replacements for Buffalo’s worst public school teachers, its aging NFTA bus drivers and the city’s least competent police and fire officials.

“No health care costs, no pensions and, thanks to all of the vacant property on the East Side, extremely low overhead in terms of housing the slaves,” said Reilly.  “I thought I had found the panacea to all of Buffalo’s ills.”

What Reilly found, however, was much more than he bargained for.

“I don’t care what line of work you’re in: you take 120 teenagers from Eastern Europe who have been entered into a life of servitude and try to tell them what their expected duties will be after they’ve arrived in Buffalo…I’ll just say that not all of them were thrilled to be here,” said Reilly, who lamented the fact that raising children of his own did not adequately prepare him for the hostility he faced when he met the slaves at the Amtrak station in Depew last Friday.

“I think we were close to making this work,” said Reilly.  “It all came down to a few bad apples who ruined it for the majority of the slaves who were excited to see how far Buffalo has come with its waterfront development,” said Reilly.

Mayor Byron Brown was quick to point out that the enslaved workers were not “chained, beaten or coerced physically” before being brought to Buffalo.  “Make no mistake,” said the Mayor.  “The modern slave trade is much more humane than the legacy of inhuman suffering that permeated the pre-Civil War era of the United States.”

Mayor Brown admitted that he freed the Kazakhs “immediately after being contacted by officials in the Justice Department who informed me that slavery is not a permissible use of the anti-poverty funds generated by the federal government.”

The Kazakh teenagers have been placed in the custody of the Erie County Department of Social Services and have each been assigned a legal guardian, deluxe accommodations at the Mansion on Delaware and unlimited use of mid-size Chevrolets, courtesy of Billy Fucillo.