Returns home to South Buffalo to study geography, spelling.

By Frank Brutus

Mayoral candidate Micheal Kearns announced yesterday that he is suspending his campaign indefinitely until the presidential election crisis in Iran is resolved.

Kearns: Brick Bar appearance still on.

Kearns, seeking to disprove the results of a recent Channel 7 poll that indicated Buffalonians believe he is “weak on foreign affairs” and “likely to bring back strip mining” held a press conference from his living room where he was surrounded by an entire set of the 1987 World Book Encyclopedia.

“This isn’t just about Iran,” said the South District Common Councilman, holding the Letter I encyclopedia in his hand.  “This is about a chain reaction of chaos, followed by a lot of other countries in that part of Europe and eventually the whole problem blows right over the English Channel and lands at the doorstep of Buffalo.  I’ve seen it happen so many times before and I’ve always just sat back and watched.  Not this time.”

In suspending his campaign indefinitely, Kearns was forced to cancel an appearance at the Dom Polski Pancake Breakfast on Sobieski Street in addition to a publicity event at Wegman’s Supermarket on Amherst Street where he planned to hand out lemons to shoppers in the produce section while he inquired “Why are you so sour on my candidacy?”

“I’m going to lend my skills to the crisis at hand while at the same time Mayor Byron Brown sits back and does absolutely nothing,” said Kearns.  “Just like he did when Cuba threatened to invade Texas and look at how that mess turned out.”